Not that there's anything wrong with Chelsea (or Chipotle)

Yet another friend of mine is having issues with one of those ridiculous "tragic" gay boys that have afflicted all of our lives in some way or another. You know the type, and you know you've either dated, slept with, lived with, or been one before, probably all at once, which is basically the recipe for a supernova of inevitable yet needless drama about which you feel the need to complain to me even though I told you to stay away from the asshole in the first place. In case you're still unsure about to whom I am referring, here are some characteristics to help you paint a mental picture, though I encourage you to use washable paints:

• Is under 21, though as I progress through my own early twenties, it would seem this age level is negotiable
• Wears eyeliner, perhaps foundation (and if you're really lucky, eyeshadow) for attention because he's so unique and then wonders why he gets his ass kicked all the time
• Steals from, lies to, and plays head games with friends and is then gets mad when they get upset because they don't understand him
• Clothing and appearance can only be described as a cry for help
• Is convinced that all his hardships as a kid are worse than they really were and that somehow, that makes him better than the rest of us, I guess it's because he thinks bad things make them more mature or something, whatever get over it
• Usually is thin, goddamn him, but not in a sexy way. Gym what?
• Regardless of context, inserts stories of dubious veracity about how he sleeps around, knows lots of guys, strips, is addicted to drugs, and/or prostitutes himself (not that there's anything wrong with that) in a faux casual way, again, as if that makes him better because ooooh you have so much life experience and command over men, yet with this tragic acceptance, you must be really strong inside, but I still feel sorry for you, sure you can live with me until your parents let you go home again

You get the idea. And you probably have somebody in mind too. Right, so my friend was dissed by one even though he walked right into his stupid trap. So they have been talking for a while, and the kid says really nice things and calls him all the time but then is all mean and evasive, but my friend sticks around anyway. A few days ago, they're talking online when the kid said "I need sex" or something, and my friend was all "Yeah, right, well I can't right now, sorry" (only something more playful and coy) and the tragic kid was all "Whatever, I wasn't asking" (even though he was) and then my friend got all upset because he really liked the tragic kid, I dunno, maybe because of all the stimulating conversations they've had, who knows. The point is, the tragic kid told him he had no interest even though all he ever does it call my friend and act all interested, it's retarded. And he said some mean things.

So my friend writes me this whole big e-mail because he's upset (right, valid, the tragic kid is, after all, upsetting) and I'm like "Yeah, ok, I've heard this story before and I tried to tell it to you two weeks ago" but I didn't say that. I said this:

He's screwing with you. I wouldn't take anything he says seriously, be it nice or mean. His behavior is too inconsistent to be genuine, and I think you should just wash your hands of him and move on. If he calls to apologize, it will probably be to just string you along. People like him feel the need to collect followers, not necessarily for the purpose of having loyal subjects, but to have people to refer to in their head to justify their own image of value that they construct with exaggerated stories and made-up drama. I've come across 1,000 people like him, all the same, and they'll all end up either growing up and being mortified at how they acted as teenagers or not growing out of it, moving to Chelsea, sleeping around, pretending they've experienced everything and they know so much, and working the counter at Chipotle until they find some deluded younger guy to move in with (and not pay rent) because they think they can shape him into a decent human in their own image. So forget about it.

And don't feel bad about what he says. You can't properly construct an idea of what he really thinks of you when he plays games like that. At best he likes you and can't handle the prospect of a real friendship or relationship. At worst, he doesn't like you and is holding you in a manupulative limbo for his own benefit. Either way, there are better ways to spend your time.

Pack up, move on.

That's what I have to say. Oh, and also that you're 5 years older than me and even I'm too old for him, so you can borrow my calculator next time you meet someone who can't go to the bars.

That was the e-mail. Anyway, this is basically my public announcement that I don't want to hear it anymore, and if you're going to insist upon fawning over people with abhorrent personalities you deserve what you get. I encourage you to print out the above list and keep it with you when you go out so you can refer to it when you meet people. If they fit any one of those items, just walk away, except for the eyeliner one, that can be ok because boys in eyeliner are hot as long as they do it right, which a lot of them don't so use your judgment if you have any.