Today is my day. I woke up feeling good, I sang a song in the shower I forgot I knew. I found $50 in my sock drawer.... everything possible was going perfectly.
On my walk to the subway, I remembered how I was out of granola bars at work, and I was upset because the first thing I do every morning is eat one. My favorite is Mixed Berry, but I don't like the almonds inside. My second favorite is Oatmeal Raisin.
Anyway, I was sad. Approaching the subway, I prepared to hunch my shoulders and ignore the two guys handing out shitty newspapers. This is a ritual I perform every day, and ignoring them takes a lot out of me because I'm never sure if I should acknowledge their presence or say hi or no thanks, but I always settle on total ignore, and it's hard for me to do. Whatever, the point is my world was turned all upside-down because there was a new face there! There was a third woman handing something out!
She stood out firstly because she was new and secondly because she was white (say what you will, but the Metro woman is Hispanic and the A.M. New York guy is black, so it's just an observation) and thirdly because the thing she was giving away was a granola bar! It was like the Lord sent her to me in my moment of need!
As it turns out, that's not too far from the truth because the deal was if you take the granola bar, you also have to take a little ad for Apostles Church NYC. I am linking to them to say thanks for the food, not because I endorse their mission or anything. For a minute on the subway, I was afraid my Judaism would cause the granola bar to react to my stomach like holy water to a vampire, but I took my chances. No heartburn yet.
According to their obnoxiously-designed website, Apostles Church NYC believes in proclaiming Jesus, assimilating believers like in Star Trek, developing leaders, renewing the city, and planting churches, which is my favorite part. I imagine little sapling churches springing up in Central Park trying like hell heaven to sprout a few buds before the athiest lawnmowers plow them into oblivion, laughing maniacally.
Oh, and their Saturday block party is directly outside my apartment building, so you are welcome to come along. I plan to stumble out on my stoop hungover and half-naked carrying a Friday-night trick on my arm to partake in the festivities.
If they get mad at me, I'll just tell them I'm sewing my Quaker oats.