Watch This

WARNING: This blog contains spoilers for The Even Stevens Movie and by continuing it you agree that either you've seen it or you don't give a shit about what happened at the end or about how bad Christy Carlson Romano's shitty pop song was because the only good thing she ever did was voice Kim Possible.

So I haven't blogged in 11 days because, as I constantly harangue strangers about, I haven't been inspired or anything, but it occurs to me that I don't HAVE to be inspired or have anything special to say and I can write stuff even if all I did all weekend was sit around with an upset stomach for 75% of it so from now on I will bring you breaking news about every retarded little detail about my life.

Starting with The Even Stevens Movie, which I watched yesterday in my first and last attempt to see everything Shia LeBeouf has ever been in. Did you know he used to look like this?

Yeah so basically The Even Stevens Movie has nothing that makes Disney Channel stuff good (wholesomely-sexy 18-year-olds playing 14-year-olds, hokey charm, deceptively catchy pop songs, and Raven-Symoné) and all the stuff that makes it bad (shitty jokes, kids who think their hijinx are funny, and lastly FAT UGLY kids who think their hijinx are funny but do get some props for playing "Chunky Kid" in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer seven years ago.)

Luckily this movie is about how the Stevens family gets tricked into thinking they won an exotic vacation on a tropical island but really it's a reality show that makes their life miserable and tests their strength as a family using starvation and animatronic squirrels. I say "lucky" because the premise means Nick Spano has a long shirtless scene and he's hotter than he looks here on the right:

FEED OUR FATHER!

I CAN'T WAIT TIL MY CONTRACT IS UP!

In the end, the Stevens family learns a valuable lesson about love and togetherness and then Shia LeBeouf and Dave Coulier have an obnoxiousness contest and tie for the win.