The Breasts of Mortal Kombat

Dudes, I'm gonna tell you right now this one is about video games. You have been warned.

Anyway, has anyone played the new Mortal Kombat yet? I got it earlier this week because my Rybrarian friend made me buy it

I've never been the fighting game type, but turns out I can kick some ass. So far, I am nigh unstoppable as Sonya "Pink Ranger" Blade and Queen "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" Sindel. (I generally play as women.)

But I love it. It handles well, it's attractive and detailed, and even I -- a MK neophyte -- identify with the nostalgia dripping from the story mode.

That's not what this post is about, though. This post is about the one major objection I have to the new Mortal Kombat: the boobs.

Now, I'm not here to talk about the gargantuan proportions. This is video games, and the topic has been done to death. I'm just happy that at least one plastic surgeon found a market in the demonic Outworld. Those ladies need false self-confidence too. (Speaking of Outworld beauty, razor-toothed half-demon-thing Mileena has an adorable do. That stylist must have some big, brass testes. I'm thinking Tabatha Coffey.)

I'm also not going to complain about the practical issues of a giant-chested woman moving, jumping, and punching with narry a nip slip. No, the problem I have with those boobs is that they're all exactly the same... and they don't move!

First off, if you're designing women after adolescent boy sex fantasies, that's fine. To be honest, I actually like the aesthetic even though my preferred MK bedfellow is a coked out Johnny Cage. But you can't alienate all your small boob lovers out there (and I know you're out there.) I would love to have seen just one nymph-like physique in the cast. I vote Jade, I guess. Or, hey, what about an unlockable? There's Cyber Sub Zero, so why not Reduction Kitana?

And then there's the rigidness. I mean, ok, the concept of jiggle physics is a joke at this point, but if you're going to design a desert arena where the shuffling of the fighters actually affects the sand at their feet, you might as well have a little movement in the chest region. I guarantee you not one of those outfits has any built in support, yet the breasts are like rocks. When one of those women is knocked to the floor after being beaten to death with her own tibias, the globes on her chest being at full attention is just... disturbing.

Where's the sex appeal in that?