Movie Night: The Wizard

You guys, it's been a terrible month. I'm single now, my house is a wreck of unfinished materials, I ripped through another pair of jeans, and the rapture didn't even come to put us all out of our misery. When things go down like all that, I react by dropping off the face of the Internet.

But there are also a lot of things turning around right now including how I came back to the Internet, grabbed a shitty default blog template, and powered up the typing fingers just to tell you that I watched The Wizard starring Fred Savage, Christian Slater, and Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley. It was SO GOOD so I've decided you all are going to watch it with me right now. Warning, the following blog contains spoilers for 1989's The Wizard and by reading it, you agree that this is the best movie about a video game competition ever made.

Ok cue title.

This is my TV and it is playing The Wizard.

"Everytime I make a wide eyes and teeth face take a shot. Take two if I make this face at Jenny Lewis."

"No dad, you can't put our autistic brother in a home!" Ok the plot of this movie is that Christian and Fred's little monkey half brother (born with their mom's new husband's plasma) keeps running away from home, and the only thing he says is "California!" and builds things. So eventually Fred runs away with him to take him to California for some reason because he is 12 and the little brother is like 6 so it is one of those things that only happens in 80's movies.

This is all he had to do the entire movie. Anyway, Fred Savage catches him playing this game at the shitty diner they're at, and he's like:

TAKE A SHOT, he's like "Whoa, 8 whambillion at Double Dragon, shit!"

And Simba is there, and that's when the movie gets good. So Simba tells them "We will use the little monkey to win $10,000 at a video game competition at Universal Studios!"

Nice flyaways. We find out later she's total white trash.

"I'm the only reason you're still watching this movie, dudes." Way to use a cream rinse, Simba.

Remember when these glasses were cool haha trick question they were never cool. He is the P.I. the parents hired to find the kids. He's the bad guy because he represents rules and the establishment and it turns out he kinda hates kids. Pretty sure that's Allison Janney back there before he career took hold. No lines, so I can't verify.

What stinks?

Oh it's you guys. Mrs. Doubtfire called, she says she can't see since this family stole her glasses, yet she's still positive it was a run-by fruiting.

Whoa, dude, who are you? "Who, me?"

"It's Lucas, bitches."

Lucas is the undisputed Lord God King Bufu of Video Games. He's gonna challenge the little monkey to a video game showdown and when he loses, his friends will kick the shit out of Fred Savage... or something, I don't remember. Lucas has a secret weapon.

In case you couldn't tell, this is the point in the movie when shit gets real.

Lucas is literally part machine.

Pederast Warning, this one gets me going a little. Anyway he's totally kicking ass at his shitty racing game.

His actual line at this moment: "I love the Power Glove."

Fade to black BOOM game over, what, you think the rest of the movie will be anywhere near as good as the Power Glove? It's not.

Christian Slater playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He's on a road trip with his dad to catch Fred and the monkey before that shitty PI does, so obviously he brought his Nintendo to hook up in the seedy motels.

Then dad gets into it. "Come back to bed, honey."

Rape scene, guess Dakota Fanning was busy being unborn.

Haha take a shot for this one too. That's for the Wonder Years.

Photo of monkey's dead twin because exactly what this movie needs is more plot. It came with the frame.

That's Spanky, the gigantic, uneducated black guy with a heart of gold. Simba is calling out bets for him and they win a ton of money.

The best this movie could do with a training montage is put her on the phone with one of those expensive hint lines (remember those? I called about a King's Quest game once I think). She looks like a snotty cunt here, but she's still white trash.

Watching Oprah.

Here's me over spring break, how did that get in here?

You have no idea how many shots like this I cut.

Fuck this stage and fuck Contra; this is as far as I ever got.

Ok end training montage, now the monkey is video game rainman. P.S. He doesn't enjoy any of this because of his brain condition.

aaaaaaaaaa

YEEAAAAAAH!

This one's for the men.

And for the ladies.

Oh no he found them at the casino resort somehow! Create a diversion, Simba!

"HE TOUCHED MY BREAST!" (Actual line)

Sorry, Fred, this is as good as it gets.

"So, you touched her breast, huh?" I wish I were making this up.

Make up your own joke for this one.

Spared no expense on the banner there.

Yeah right why would there be girls with clear skin looking happy here, is NKOTB playing at halftime?

Wow it's sure fun watching from behind the 24" tv sets. Here's another inexplicable hot girl.

Guess which of these girls made the finals. Hint: it's the one you expect.

"I am the MC and this is what I look like all the time."

Oh the PI found them so they ran away and ended up on the King Kong ride.

Watching Oprah again.

This is my favorite still from Lolita.

HO LEE SHIT and here we have the reason anybody saw this movie in the first place: a sneak peek at Super Mario Brothers 3! The contestants are aghast that they must compete on a brand new game.

No glove, no love.

Like looking into a mirror.

YOU DIDN'T GET THE MUSHROOM HOUSE!!!!!@U*!($YRIHF*FS$Y($&*@

O

Oh it's over. The monkey won, obviously and the parents and everybody ended up being there and seeing it, and they were happy which is great because their kid is still riddled with autism but none of that matters with Dr. Nintendo on the case. Anyway in the car on the way home, the monkey shrieked and made everyone stop at this dinosaur park to leave behind a lunchbox filled with his dead sister's crap.

Admiration shot.

Lunchbox. The end.