Dear John, Get a clue.

Tonight sucks a little bit because I have to break up with someone who I'm not really dating. We hung out two times. Wackiness ensued the first time leaving me with a battle scar that has only today fully faded from existence. Then he started getting all clingy. He calls me constantly with "Where are you?", "What are you doing?", "Let's go to dinner", "Come spend the night", "Come to my film class's screening", "Come move in with me and we can raise babies and you can live in a box under my bed so I can come find you when I need to feel validated." And then he started with the "I just hate sleeping alone at night. I get so lonely. If only someone would love me and make me forget that I'm an orphan/invalid/child abuse victim" bullshit. Wow... you're pathetic, desperate, and need a man by your side to make you feel like you matter. Can I tell you how sexy that's not?

I've been blowing him off for a week now. I finally ran out of things to say. You can only claim to be sick so many nights and later have him call at 1 a.m. to find out you're at the bar before it starts to be a lame excuse.

Now, he's a nice kid. I think. Well, I heard a story today that suggests he's not so nice. Whatever. The point is, we're getting together for dinner tonight... though I hope to cut things off before they get that far. I've decided to let him down easy. I spontaneously formulated my plan when I was speaking earlier with a friend of mine:

I am going to take him for a romantic dinner at Waffle House. I'll order nothing but coffee until he gets the point. If after 2 or 3 pots he hasn't picked up on it, I will throw up on his shoes. I will also tell him that I'll buy him waffles, but he has to pay for his own orange juice. When I have finished, I will get up and say something real mature like "Welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU!" and walk away. I am driving, so he will have to walk home, which is a considerable distance. He has strong legs. Then I have to go to a gas station real quick. When he is about halfway home, I will drive by and throw a red slurpee at him. I hope to have a friend with me to videotape this part. I'll send him a copy of the tape to show him that there are no hard feelings. I think that will effectively end the relationship.

Later, I will throw him a surprise party, only the surprise is that there are scorpions in his pillow. That's for calling one of my friends a whore.

Sometimes it pays to do nice things for people.

(x-posted for the most part in my Livejournal)