One thing I've noticed while planning my upcoming move to New York City is that everyone's an expert on the topic. It doesn't matter where you grew up or where your family's from or if you've ever been there on vacation or if you can even find it on a map. Everyone seems to think they have the final word on life in the Big Apple.
How is this possible, you ask? Well that's a good question. One theory is that knowledge of New York City -- and especially Manhattan -- is passed along biologically. Before we utter our first words, we are mentally reciting subway stops and categorizing the hippest hotspots by neighborhood and demographic. A second hypothesis posits that tiny little elves funded by the NYC & Company tourism organization come to us in our sleep and whisper in our ears. Through this elven propaganda, our delicate human minds are able to glean a veritable encyclopedia of facts and figures to pass on to anyone travelling to the area whether they ask or not.
But the theory that I have been forced to accept by analyzing the advice given to me by countless friends and relatives is that nobody knows shit about NYC, but because of the radiant awesomeness emanating from the city, they feel that if they are not tuned in to the knowledge base, they're not hip. Everyone knows NYC because to not know NYC is to be a failure at Cool.
In case you find you are unable to smoothly fake knowledge of this epic city, I provide you the following algorithm, which should allow you to derive any fact you may need to spew:
truth about NYC = (something you saw on TV + cryptic vagueness - admission to TV viewing) * (suave disinterest + implication that you could be living there if you wanted to) + made up fact you heard from your cousin's hairdresser's uncle who once went to a Bar Mitzvah in Jersey
Carrie Bradshaw wears Manolo Blahniks? Suddenly you know all about New York fashion. You once saw an episode of Law and Order? Please tell me the places to avoid if I don't want to get ritually sacrificed. You've stood on the intersection used for the establishing shot of the cafe on Seinfeld? Let's totally hang out so you can show me where to go on the weekends. But when you tell me about these things, remember to say it real casual-like so you can make me feel like the uncoolest blob for not already knowing. I'm not an insider. Did you just say SoHo? Let me kiss your feet.
The result of my algorithm is some keen advice on cool bars, property rentals, subway fares, the safety of Central Park at night, and where to catch celebrity sightings. The beauty of this system is that you're not the only one doing it, and nobody knows enough to verify your facts!
I've gotten so much crappy and contradicting advice from people, I don't even know what's real anymore. One friend grew up in rural Ohio and went to New York for 3 days, but he seems to know more about the City than the mayor himself.
I'm on to you. I can see through your petty charade. From now on, I'm only taking advice from three people, all NYC natives. The rest of you can keep your mouths shut. And for all you naysayers who think I can't make it in the city because "Oh, it's so expensive" and "Oh, it's so big": don't take it out on me that you're stuck in Indiana. I may not know what I'm getting myself into, but at least I won't have to take notes on old episodes of Friends to fulfill some cosmopolitan fantasy that I'll never pursue.
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