Pigeon-holed, ass-holed

You may have already noticed, but in case you have trouble figuring these things out, I'm a loser. Specifically, I'm a loser who wants attention for doing nothing. I don't update my blog in days because "I don't have the time to think of anything to say", which translates from my top secret coded language to "I was playing the Sims 2 and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer all weekend." In fact I was doing both at the same time. I have seen Buffy so many times that I can recite the lines along with the characters while simultaneously trapping middle-class suburban families in doorless, windowless rooms and lighting them on fire with a pork chop left on the stove too long. Astonishing, I know.

In between episodes, arson, and romantic turmoil in my all-gay cyber-neighborhood, however, I always found the time to check my Site Meter ratings. That's where the attention for nothing part comes in. I just want you assholes to read me even if I don't update. Read the archives. Already read it? Read it again. Try memorizing an entry or setting it to music. Leave a comment, maybe. I may not have anything to say, and I may suck at saying it, but you'd better show up every day with a #2 pencil ready to absorb the knowledge.

I only get about 2 or 3 hits a day that aren't me compulsively reading my own entries again and again, festering away in my on self-importance. I swear that when I die, I'm going to be leaving a comment to myself on my own blog while admiring to a mirror what I like about my face. And I'll probably be masturbating too. I really am my own best friend.

The point of this that I am still failing to reach is that most of the people who visit my blog come from predictable, boring places. What I rather enjoy, though, are some of the weird searches people use before accidentally coming across me. So far, it's only served to let me know that I have to find some new themes. Most people find me searching for gay porn because of that entry from the other day where I said the words "Bel Ami" and "Falcon" a lot. They must be so disappointed. Hey, I know! Let's piss off a few more:

cock twink slut big daddy having lots of gross sex with other men because his wife is inattentive and shopping for shoes on his dollar so he lashes out and fucks some poor insatiable teenage gay asshole. Oh, and cum bitch wet raunchy minge on my face leaving behind a mildly unpleasant smell and a nasty aftertaste that even brushing can't eliminate.

That's how cheap porn sites troll for hits, right? C'mon, pervs! Read my blog! (I use the term "perv" without judgment.)

My other two favorites:

Some guy found me through a Google Canada search for protruding tailbone, of which I was on the second page. Apparently this is an issue more common than I thought. At least one other person has it... unless the kid I was talking about in the Google-found entry is the same kid who did the search, in which case, I'm sorry I talked about you in my blog. Next time, try not to be such an objectionable asshat.

Lastly, and most commonly, people find me in searches for "rectal hygiene." I've gotten like 4 this week, which is a lot considering my blog is tiny and new, and nobody finds me through anything else I haven't talked about. It's not just from anywhere, though. Only people from Canada and the UK seem to care about this pressing issue. Americans seem too interested in gay porn (though I daresay, if they perhaps spent more time on their rectal hygiene, porn would not be such a necessity.)

Sex and ass. That's apparently all I talk about. At least, it's what I talk about that people want to hear about. Ass and sex, the new focus of this blog. At least the two go together... like chocolate and cream. Oh God, I just went to a bad visual place. Get away from me.