International Talk Like a Pirate Minute

Avast ye lubbers, it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day, arrrrrr!

And that's it. Here ends my observation of Interational Talk Like a Pirate Day, the stupidest holiday ever invented.

The concept works in theory, but the problem is nobody actually knows how to talk like a pirate. The pirate words in the vernacular of 90% of people are avast, lubber, arrr, and bastardized verb conjugation, so after they say the sentence above, they're tapped. Various sailing words may also be known (hoist the mainstay or something) but half the people saying them don't know what they mean, and also, we're not on a fucking boat.

And so, "International" Talk Like a Pirate Day usually consists of one guy telling everyone around "Arrr, ye must talk like a pirate for it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!" and everyone else either thinking he's an idiot or saying "Avast!" and forgetting about it until the cycle repeats next year.

So if you're gonna celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day (the "Inter" is inexplicable to me--I blame the Internet), do it with gusto! All day! If someone tries to kick your geeky ass, just yell "Parlay!"

Otherwise, I have a few alternate yet related holidays to suggest that I would much rather celebrate:

• National Don't Bother Showering (Like a Pirate) Day
• Go Swimming Day
• National Steal Crap From People Day
• National Have Sex With Johnny Depp Day
• International Close Your Lips Day (in honor of Keira Knightly)
• Grope a Serving Wench Day