Has everyone seen the Superman movies? I hope so because if not, I'm going to spoil the ending. Now's your chance to go away.
Really, I only saw the first two. Even though I lied to my friends and said I liked the first one, I kinda didn't. The second was better, but y'all have to bear in mind that I was watching the Richard Donner Cut, which I am told is so beyond different that the two almost tell different stories. The Donner Cut is evidently more narrative-heavy, which is fine because I tend to ignore action sequences anyway (excepting those from Underworld: Evolution because they make me feel all manly.)
Anyway, for those of you who don't know, Superman has so many powers that he's nigh indestructible. You can shoot him, dunk him in water, electrocute him, step on his toes, kick him in the nuts (pictured below), and launch him into space before you realize that you are merely repeating his morning calisthenics routine. Pretty much the only things he can't do are stretch his arms out real far and go invisible, but these are lame powers anyway. But this is part of the problem with Superman. Nothing really bothers him, so there's no tension. In the first movie, the Lex Luthor started an earthquake because he wanted his cheap California land to become beachfront property (see below for further discussion of the dumbness of Lex Luthor). Superman had to do a million things at once, and you're just sitting there like "Yeah yeah, make with the speeding bullet and get it done, you might be more convincing if you broke a sweat." But somehow, despite all his power, Lois Lane dies anyway. "But wait," you say. "She's in the next movie, so something has to happen."
Yes. Superman has failed. But as they say: "If at first you don't succeed, fly real fast around the world and make it spin backwards until everyone goes back in time and you can give it another go." Apparently for Superman, life is a giant video game with a reset button. Lame, lame, and lame. Who knows how many times he's played this card? Bad dates, forgotten birthdays, premature ejaculation. No problem! Granted, this is the difficulty with older science fiction. It's sometimes hard to tell where the cliches began, so maybe when this movie came out, things like this were ok. That would never fly in modern cinema. (Get it? Never...fly! Hilarious.)
Now I'm going to talk about the other reason I don't like the first Superman movie. Quite simply: crappy villain. Again, this is probably more of a time period thing, but Lex Luthor needs work. Gene Hackman was pretty cool in the role, and Lex is a fun kinda guy, but there doesn't seem to be much reason for his existence or his inclination towards evil. Money? I guess, though your underground mansion with no windows is already pretty neat.
Personally, I think Lex's goal should be new sidekicks. The woman's alright, though I'm confused on how she can switch so quickly from total moron to bad-ass spy who can work a hot air balloon and other technology things and back again. Nonetheless, I can accept her, but that man. That man who's name I can't bother to remember... NOT. FUNNY! The schtick between him and Lex was tired after 10 seconds. The idiot sidekick thing only works in Spongebob Squarepants.
Luckily, Lex is a genius. Genius enough to draw the conclusion: "A meteor fell in Africa! Clearly it is a rock from the distant planet Krypton that has been made radioactive and is thus the only thing in the universe that can drain Superman of his powers!" Wow, Lex, Miss Cleo really came through this time. (Speaking of Miss Cleo, did you guys hear she came out as a lesbian?)
Thankfully for me and for my Superman-fanatic readers, I liked Superman II WAY better. I think it's largely because it was the Donner Cut, but the story and characters were much more solid. The evil woman was especially awesome. I forget her name, but she reminded me of Bellatrix Lestrange. (Yeah, you thought you'd get a whole blog entry without a Harry Potter reference, didn't you?) Anyway, you may have noticed, but I'm only good at talking about things I hate, so this concludes our discussion of Superman II.
OH! Except I need to point out that in the Donner Cut, Lois Lane finds out that [SPOILER WARNING] Superman and Clark Kent are the same. [End spoiler warning.] In response, Superman pulls out that stupid gay-us ex machina and turns back time again to she doesn't know anymore. Unfortunately, this also resurrects the evil people, but for some reason, this is okay with everyone and they go undefeated. So the ending sucked real hard. Thought you oughta know.
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