I saw this movie last night, and it was Underworld: Evolution. The main plot is about how hot Kate Beckinsdale is. The secondary plot is about how hot Scott Speedman is. The tertiary plot is about how great it is to watch them have fake movie sex. Finally, there were some vampires and werewolves that were pretty cool.
Underworld: Evolution is a apparently a sequel, which I didn't know going into it. Nobody told me. So it took me a really long time to figure out what the hell was going on. For half the movie, I thought the human-version of the main werewolf guy was actually the main vampire guy, so I never really knew what he was doing. They killed a lot of important people at the beginning, and I got all their names confused, so I just made a word bank in my head entitled "Names of the Bad Guys" and just listened for their names when I wanted to know if they were talking about good people or evil ones. By the end of the movie, I noticed that you could tell people were bad because they were ugly just like in real life. From then on, I pretty much knew who I was supposed to be cheering for, but I really couldn't listen to the dialogue because it would get me lost again.
I also don't know where the movie took place. At first I thought it was England, but then everyone was speaking Russian or Czech or something, so I just decided it was some exotic foreign land where it doesn't matter if the extras die because they don't speak English anyway. It was pretty convenient that over the 800 years from the beginning flashback sequence to the main movie, nobody seemed to die or move around at all, so all the big important locations and artifacts and people were within driving distance. Thank God vampires never go anywhere ever.
The vampire mythology in the movie is pretty lame. In their universe, vampires are basically just really strong people with neat eyes who drink blood instead of eat food. Oh, and they're hard to kill. But don't get out your garlic and steak (I mean stake) just yet. Apparently there's no special way to kill a vampire, you just have to kill them more than regular people. You might have to sever an extra limb or impale them on a bit thicker a post in order to make sure they won't get up again. It's kind of a crap shoot in that respect. Here's an excerpt from the dialogue to illustrate this difficulty:
Kate Beckinsdale: "Is he dead?"
Scott Speedman: "I'm not sure. Did you shoot him enough times in the face?"
Kate Beckinsdale: "Yes, my automatic weapon fired about 15 bullets. We modern vampires enjoy automatic weapons. Thankfully the bad guys have not yet thought of this."
Scott Speedman: "Still, I think I saw his hand move. Perhaps you should punch him through the chest to make sure."
Kate Beckinsdale: "Very well. I say, this is rather tiresome."
And I think the producers of the movie forgot that people have bones. I guess it's a pretty common oversight. Not only are we boneless, however, but we are apparently made completely out of some bizarre colloid skin layer filled with not organs, but rather chocolate chunks and raspberry sauce. According to the movie, if you hit someone hard enough in the head, instead of the momentum of your hand (or wing extension) causing their head to be bashed to the side, they will instead remain perfectly still as if their neck is made of a steel rod. As a result, the colloid skin layer gives way, and the victim's interior deliciousness is merely brushed away in a clean line as if off a table. I love physics and biology.
My favorite parts were the sex scene, the outrageous violence, and the scene where there's a historian having a hot vampire orgy because I pretended he was a librarian instead and even though he was ugly, it make me think I could have a vampire orgy one day too. My least favorite parts were seeing the hand run through with a spike, the exploding head, and seeing the guy barf up potatoes.
If you like violence, see Underworld: Evolution. It doesn't have much going for it in terms of adding any value to the fantasy genre, but it has a lot of that lowest-common-denominator type of appeal. So that was pretty cool. I'd have liked it more if I were more masculine, so maybe I'll work on that for next time.
Entertainment value: 11 stars
Actual value: 2 stars
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