Maul of America

This is another perfect reason for neurotic people like my mom and ignorant neurotic people like America to never leave the house again. Every time there's an animal mauling, the news media explodes. People eat this shit up. Pun totally intended.

You may not know it because the article is near impossible to find at this point, but there has been a series of shootings all over New York. Unfortunately, all they get is a crappily-written article with no picture. The animal story has trumped it because being mauled is such a shit way to die. What seems to be forgotten at times like this is that getting shot is ALSO a shit way to die. The problem is that shootings in a big city are so commonplace that nobody wants to hear about them anymore.

Shootings aren't real or interesting unless they happen in a school or a shopping mall or somewhere else where the people are innocent and hopefully healthy, wealthy and white. In other cases, there's this general assumption that if a guy (male) gets shot on the streets of New York, he somehow deserved it. He lived in a bad part of town, he ran with the wrong crowd, he had it coming. Who cares, he was probably on drugs anyway. You barely ever hear "Oh, the humanity!" or "Gun control!" after things like that. The school and mall ones, though? They always spark the same tired debate that goes nowhere.

In a similar vein, why is it that when an adult is killed, it's pretty sad, but when a child is killed, it's "Oh, again, the humanity!" and "He had his whole life in front of him!" And at what age does that shift happen? Does a 30-year-old not also have his life in front of him? And why is it that there's a difference between the death of a 20-year-old man and the death of a 20-year-old college sophomore? You know one tugs at your heartstrings more than the other, which is pretty much proof positive that you're capable of valuing one human life over another, you dick.

Here's a quick-reference guide to how people react to the unnatural deaths of the innocent:

• Elderly death -- "Well, they were gonna eat it soon anyway."
• Middle-aged death -- "Yeah, it happens."
• 30-something death -- "Only sad if he/she was hot."
• 20-something death -- "Pity. What a world."
• Student death -- "What is our society coming to?? How can we let this happen????"
• Child death -- [tears] "An innocent child! I can't even.... please, no... it's too much."
• Baby death -- "I can't believe it! Animal! Why didn't she have an abortion or put it up for adoption?"
• Miscarriage -- "Yeah, it happens. They were gonna eat it soon anyway."

But back to the tiger. That's what this entry was supposed to be about before I got all distracted with how bad I feel that I'm no longer young enough for people to care if I'm murdered.

Anyway, they shot the tiger dead, which I must honestly say I found more upsetting than the death of the man. This is for hippie reasons of the injustice of animal captivity and stuff. Tigers are carnivores. They prey upon the weak by nature. If you're going to put yourself within 50 yards of a tiger, much like mixing with gangs and walking the mean streets of New York, you probably have it coming.

That's not to say that all zoo-goers should be mauled. I like the zoo too. I'm just saying that this is what tigers do. Here's my favorite part of the article:

Officials said that the same tiger, a Siberian named Tatiana, had mauled a zookeeper in front of horrified visitors about a year ago.

Maul me once, shame on you. Maul me twice...

I know the same guy was not mauled twice. Just go with it.

Right, so after this big coup at the zoo, we're going to be hearing all about zoo safety and tiger taming and crap like that. Typical media hooplah. "It could happen to you!" "Wild beasts! In your own backyard?" I hate this stuff, but there it is. They say it's in the name of security and protecting the children and "better safe than snack food", but really it's a sad attempt to make our lame lives sound more interesting.

Don't fall for it. People don't just get mauled. They do, however, just get shot. But that's not so exciting anymore.