Flimflammed! Bamboozled! Hoodwinked! Egads, I'm upset!
A friend of mine has seen fit to dangle in front of me a shiny golden trinket, only to reveal later that it resides behind an invisible web of DECEIT!
I was supposed to go to the premiere of There Will Be Blood at the Ziegfeld tonight. I have this spiff new outfit for the occasion (as well as for a show premiere in LA this weekend, but pretend that's not happening to enhance the indignation.) Anyway, it should be clear by the fact that I'm blogging that I'm not wearing my sexy outfit on a red carpet with Daniel Day-Lewis! Instead, I'm sitting at home on my couch ALL BY MYSELF IN MY VOLDEMORT T-SHIRT! Yeah, I was stood up. AM BEING stood up.
Here's a MySpace-style mirror self-portrait to illustrate my annoyance:
Can't you just feel the flames of wrath?
Actually, I'm not in as shitty a mood as I could be, but it sure is fun to pretend. FUCK YOU!
Anyway, since I never post pictures of myself, let's take this opportunity to examine how much I've grown. Here's a closer, less irate, but still slightly constipated-looking shot:
You will notice that my hair is quite a bit longer than it used to be. It has also stayed a vibrant shade of red instead of fading to the anemic strawberry blonde of yestermonth. But mostly, I want to show off my new Voldemort t-shirt that I got on the Internet.
I'd also like to point out my enormous Jew nose, proving my ancestry for those who may think I was born gentile like my "friend" did today.
Anyway, enough examining my face. Put it back in your pants. I'm lookin' at you, Bagel.) I'm in a bad mood for being stood up, so I don't feel like being the object of anyone's affection. Oh, and by the way, observe here the cherry on top of a fabulous evening:
Wait, you can buy clothes on the internets? Or does it just come free with porn subscriptions?
ReplyDeleteKinda like the Sports Illustrated football phone, but neither a football nor a phone, cuz really, who wants a stupid football phone?
I'd pay them more to not send me that retarded phone.
I'll have to get back to you when I remember my point.
Your point was you don't find me hot anymore because these pictures were not heavily Photoshopped before publication.
ReplyDeleteIf that were the case, my mind wouldn't have gone all a'blank upon <strike>leering</strike> glancing at them. Briefly. In passing.
ReplyDeleteDamn, I had it and I lost it...
um, kvn didn't know you were a jew? the easiest way is to show him the result of your brit milah. noses can be deceiving. i mean, I'm one to talk.
ReplyDeletexo,
WdL
You didn't tell the story right. I knew you were a big Jew scott, I just didn't get how you were Jewish, with Jewish parents, while being adopted....
ReplyDeleteI figured, wow what a coincidence, I didn't realize there was such a thing as a jewish adoption agency!
Why did you quote/unquote "friend" me? That's the last time I lead you to cock while you're in LA!
WDL - WTF is a brit millah?
ReplyDeleteKevin - You didn't lead me to cock. OH! Wait, yes you did, I forgot to tell my story. So this big fat guy in overalls rolled up way above his knees was walking down the opposite side of the street and I found him funny so I raised my latte to him and then he waved and so I waved and then he beckoned me over so Mark and I had to scream and run away. It was the best! And I owe it all to you.