Updates: I'm out of Luna Bars, they never get better, it's Take Your Spawn to Work Day, and I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow for reasons I can't tell the Internet about. Here's a hint: it rhymes with schmob splinterview. I'm starting to get smervous about it.
But back to more pressing matters: My work is crawling with children today. It's rather gross. Luckily, the only on in my work area is also the only one that I like. He is my coworker's kid (obvs) and he is 4 and "drew" me a "picture" of some sort of giant-headed leopard "pokemon". He also colored me a picture of Disney's Pluto about to attack and viciously devour a grinning ostrich. It says "Ostriches can't fly, but they can run very fast." I added "BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH!"
I don't know what it is about kids that I don't get, but I don't get them. This one likes to tell me about all the animals he saw at the San Diego Zoo, but whenever I try to interject something, he doesn't give a shit! I talk about chipmunks and skunks and my kitty cat and all I get in return is "Oh. And I saw elephants and tigers and it went RAHR!" He gives a shit when OTHER people talk but never when I talk. However, I also think I'm his favorite. Favorite enough that he tried to hand me a dirty napkin. I went "Eew!" and I think he was hurt. WTF?
Despite the affection, however, I got a pencil thrown at me when his mom and I were doing our daily crossword and ignoring him, but you can't say to a 4-year-old "You little fucker! Unless you can tell me a 4-letter word that means 'ess-molding' we don't need you!" Or can you?
(The answer is ogee. It's a good one to remember.)
Anyway, I'm a failure at children. The 4-year-old also knows more animals and speaks more languages than me and will probably grow up to be a lot hotter too so I'm also a failure at life the end.
OMG he stole my good pen!
I love kids.
ReplyDeleteSorry.
No apologies, love away! Any sort of distaste I show is merely a reaction to the fact that I have never been able to entertain a child.
ReplyDeleteHowever, having just enjoyed a dramatic 20-minute game of hide-and-seek between Olivia Pirhana, the staplers, and a mini-slinky he named Ogleboss, it became clear to me that kids can kinda entertain themselves and all you really have to do is watch and not try to get any work done.
omg. i'd totally be slipping benedryl into his lunch by now.
ReplyDeleteand i am the nicest, kindest, most attractive person i know.
xo,
WDL
He's dominating the conversation because he's trying to impress you. He doesn't care what you have to say because he's already impressed by you.
ReplyDeleteKids are assholes.