Dear Hack Composer Who Can't Get Published:
PLEASE stop sending your music to my library. I'm so serious.
I spent the better part of my morning cataloging this binder filled with your outlandishly stupid songs that's been sitting in a box for 7 years. It came with a Christmas CD that I understand you've sent as a gift to numerous politicians including the President, the governor of New York, and the mayor of Los Angeles, though I don't quite get why you had to send 25 copies of form letters these politicians' secretaries sent you as thank yous for you "generous gift" which they're "sure will bring much holiday cheer". I see the Clintons sent you a nice card wishing you a Happy Holidays and thanking you for your "correspondence", though it is odd they made no mention of the CD. Perhaps they were waiting to review you in the New Yorker.
But probably not.
A word of advice to you and the countless other unpublished composers who send their music as "gifts": 1) Find a new way to disseminate your music, and 2) Don't send copies that you made yourself on Finale if you don't know how to make it so that all the lyrics and notes don't run together. (For the non-musicians out there, it's the equivalent of being done in crayon on notebook paper with the finges still attached.)
The only thing more striking than the mediocrity of your songs (that consist of non-modulating melodies and 3 chords) is your dubious command of the English language. I know ESL classes are expensive, but if you are going to write songs in English, understand that we prefer not to have three syllables on one note. Also, "candy" is not a synonym for "sweet" so describing a canary as "so candy" implies that it is edible, not charming.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Career,
~TH~
P.S. I mean it.
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