One of the traits I've inherited from my mother is this stupid tendency to assume that people hate me. At best, it just makes me a little paranoid about getting along with new people. At it's worst, it causes me to be too accomodating and to sabotage relationships by assuming that people would rather me be out of the way.
This isn't an issue of a poor self-image. I like myself very much and think that all you losers would do well to have me in your life. No, I'm aware of how irrational it is, but I can't seem to get past it nonetheless.
If someone's called me and I let too much time pass before calling them back, I assume they're mad and then I get too scared to pick up the phone and do it, even if we're close friends. If I go on a date, the time between the date and the first time we talk again is filled with "I don't wanna bother him" and "He probably thinks I'm too quiet" and "He probably only said those things to be nice."
The thing I hate most about it is that it causes me to question the motives behind compliments. This isn't all the time, and I take compliments well, but in my head they're often tagged with "Well, she's my mom, she has to say that" or "He probably just wants to sleep with me" or "Well, he loves me, when you love someone you even like the yucky parts." It doesn't make the compliment any less true, and the opinions of others have helped me feed a positive and healthy self-image (yes, validation from others is important for me, and it is for you too so don't even go there.) I didn't even know I had pretty eyes until people told me, and I believe it. But believing a compliment isn't the point, appreciating it is. And I'd appreciate them a lot more if I could get that stupid voice to shut up.
I also tend to agree with people a lot, and this little paranoia causes me sometimes to be unsure whether I'm being easy-going or acquiescent. Being easy-going is something I pride myself on. It's hard to upset me and most of the time I really don't care where we go for dinner or which channel we watch. But now and then I feel like I'm silencing myself for the "benefit" of other people, even when those people want to hear what I have to say. I'm a hell of a lot better at identifying this and stopping it than I was when I was younger, but every now and then it creeps in.
Luckily, this isn't a terribly serious issue. It mostly leads to personal anxiety, but when I think someone hates me, I never lash out and hate people back. It's a stupid defense mechanism some people have, and if you have it you'd better stop before people start hating you for real.
Further, it's so super-easy for me to get over it. If I can do anything right, it's admit to myself when I'm being a tard. Next time we talk, I'll totally forget about any paranoia that I may have felt. Next time I get an e-mail from you, I'll realize we only went out two days ago and that's not much time at all. But next time I see you, I'll probably let you pick the restaurant.
I, personally, think the mommy and the you are both wonderful, but NOT the same. I also usually only see the side of you where you DO stick up for yourself (I don't know how to do italics on here so you're stuck with the irritating caps). Maybe it's because you've known me long enough to tell me when you think I'm stupid, and I laugh because you're usually right :)
ReplyDelete--The person who still lives at home.
I think a little insecurity is cute and endearing. As long as you're not letting it ruin your life don't worry about it too much.
ReplyDeleteI have similar problems, although mostly when I first meet people and not so much with established friends. Regardless if you been like this for a while your friends are likely used to it and all will be fine.
"I like myself very much and think that all you losers would do well to have me in your life" also pretty much describes how I feel about myself too. Stupid world should've realized how great we are by now.
At times, I think of the same thing: Will they like me? Did they like me? Why do they hate me? What is wrong with me?
ReplyDeleteIt's a part of life and it's what makes you a human being.