Keeping in the spirit of years past, I waited a few days before posting my New Year's resolutions to let the "spirit of the season" wear off and life return to normal. Everyone gets all wrapped up in New Year's and makes these stupid resolutions that are at once boring and unattainable. "I will lose 20 pounds this year." Yeah, good luck, cow. "I will be nicer to people and pet animals and feed starving babies." Yeah, not if you're feeding yourself, cow.
Anyway, my resolutions are way better. Last year, there were 14 resolutions (we don't count the last one), and I didn't keep a single one. This year, I hope to build on that success:
- I promise to dress like a rich kid and forego meals to afford to do so. Style and weight-loss in one!
- I promise to call more people cow.
- I promise to continue yelling hateful, racist things at the television when I'm alone. (Guaranteed success.)
- I promise to stop telling people about their friends' weird penises as if it says something about their personalities.
- I promise to finally take the Harry Potter 7 countdown clock off of my blog.
- I promise to stop talking about my hair for 2 seconds (nonconsecutive).
- I promise never again to affect an Australian, British, or Slavic accent and say "I'm not from here" just because I don't feel like giving someone directions.
- I promise to stop shaping meat on my plate into a model of the animal it used to be.
- I promise to stop sleeping with the unemployed.
- I promise to masturbate to a picture of Zac Efron just once to get it out of my system.
- I promise to care about the presidential election. HAHA just kidding, no I don't!
- I promise to read a book to a child. HAHAHAHA, ok, I'm not even taking this seriously anymore. I guess I'm done.
those made me laugh. i talk back at the TV - but not racist things. though i have said, while cranking my neck "mmmmhmmmm you know dat shit is right girl" while watching Oprah.
ReplyDeleteand unemployed guys are fun to go out with because they have no schedule. though they can never pay for dinner.
xo,
WDL - who pledges to adore you even more in 2008.
If a guy can't pay for dinner, he's not fun. He doesn't HAVE to do it, but if he can't then there's no chance he ever will. Forget it.
ReplyDeleteI notice YOU'RE looking awfully employed these days. What are you doing Friday night?
I like you resolution. Keep it up.
Oh, and I forgot to say:
ReplyDeleteShut up, cow.
I pledge to:
ReplyDelete1: Stop pretending to be a helpless child to get free stuff, even tho pedos do have the best candy.
2: I'll try to stop filling my spare ipod with skinhead music and leaving it laying around just to freak my brother out.
3: Drink an entire glass of water at some point in the year. Does Aqua Java count?
4: Stop lying about my age. I mean, there's no shame in being 21, is there? :)
You're an inspiration to us all.
ReplyDeleteWhat's Aqua Java?
It's the post Jolt, pre-RedBull college drink.
ReplyDeleteCaffinated water!
Years ago, my jerk stepdad was complaining that he wasn't sleeping well, and he might be coming down with something. I noticed he was drinking Water Joe (a knock off brand). I'm thinking the dumbshit didn't read the label.
Guess whether I told him or not :)
I love that about that.
ReplyDeleteThere aren't enough fairy tales about evil stepdaddies.
Did I tell you that you're my hero?
ReplyDeletenope...
ReplyDeleteOh, wait. You prolly meant Hotty.
Too late, I claimed it! I am a hero!
bagel: lol I totally meant Hotty over there. But... never fear. I can be your hero, baby (WHOA Ricky fucking Martin? That was unexpected). Holy shit, I can't believe I remember that song.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah. You're a hero of mine too ;)
havoc:
ReplyDeleteYou can totally be my hero. I'm into role reversal like that. Come play with me sometime :)
you really should vote this election.. You guys really need better health Care..And a presedent that isn't a bloody moron! But until someone you love or yourself get really sick and is screwed over by your private health care company..You wont completely understand..
ReplyDeleteIf your Country doesn't find a presendent that truley cares about the peolpe that live here.. It is going to continue to fall apart..Gas will keep rising..People will continue to die for a cause they don't even understand..A cause that isn't worth dying for.. I really do feel for Americans. The land of the free.. The most prosperous Country in the world.. Anywho.. just thought I'd drop a line..or twenty hahahhaa