Moo and Oink

Yesterday I performed an experiment in excess. I chose a sin (one of the seven) and embodied it to the fullest extent imaginable. The sin: Sloth. The embodiment: Bloblike.

I woke up at 9:30 with a splitting headache that I pretty much owe to David Bowie. After an hour of laying in bed pretending the world didn't exist (an art I perfected on Saturday when I spent about six waking hours cuddled up in a bed), I got up and walked a full 9 steps to my couch, dragging my comforter behind me like that Peanuts kid who always drags his filthy blanket around.

When I finally arrived huffing and puffing to the internet couch, I looked at my little Google calendar and saw NOTHING! This was me:

So I indulged in my favorite pasttime ever: playing the Sims and watching Charmed for 12 straight hours. It's really exhausting and a great workout. You can tell because at 10:30 that night I was exhausted and went to bed and today I woke up totally sore in my right leg and along my right oblique from all the work I had to do grabbing the remote to skip the title sequences. What with selecting episodes and occasionally switching discs, I may have burned as many as 20 calories! Eat your heart out, South Beach Diet!

Speaking of calories, clearly I could not prepare food on a day such as this so I ordered in an omelette with ham on the side in the morning and a huge bowl of chicken curry with rice in the evening and I ate everything on the couch and got rice all over me. This was me:

natalie dee
Thanks again, nataliedee.com!

In conclusion, my couch has a butt dent the size of Alaska and pretty soon I'll be washing myself with a rag on a stick.

Watch this!

Yeah. I never blog anymore. STFUnGOI. Shut the fuck up and get over it.

I gotta go, but you have to watch this, the best movie death of all time. Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea from 1999:

I ganked it from NY Mag, but they kinda ruin it by telling you what happens before it happens.

Ok have a good weekend.

Daily Curios: It's Raining Out Edition

image004

I hate everything about the fact that it's raining right now because I just agreed to go out later and now I'm stuck going out in the RAIN so everyone can S my D because I'm mad.

And now I'm over it. Anyway, look at this stuff. It has nothing to do with rain, but one of them got me wet.

Blah blah blah this paragraph is just filler so I can get the YouTube video far enough down that it doesn't clash with the photo because my blog is shitty and I don't know anything about formatting.

Boasas on disgusting babies.

I don't know how to embed this, so go to Ze Frank and watch the cast of Spongebob do classic movies.

Since old crushes never die and I am still 16 inside, I'm still in love with David Boreanaz who gets all nakedish in some shitty movie nobody saw.

I know you all saw the Oscars already, but I found this Best Actress adorable:

Flying the Bitchy Skies

Too Pretty to Fly?

Yeah, the hell you are. First of all, people don't discriminate against pretty people. More importantly, neither of you is pretty. That kinda throws your whole theory out the window. Twice.

But ok, girls, maybe you have a valid discrimination case here. Maybe they hate white people. Maybe they discriminate against sub-literate bitches with an entitlement complex. MAYBE they discriminate against disfiguring chin growths that eat your face for dinner and second chin for dessert!

I love how they're only giving half the story. It's so obvious they're hiding all the cunty things they did in the interest of looking good on the news. What these two -- and I laughingly use the term -- "ladies" did, in my professional opinion, was act all jappy and then get mad when people didn't give enough of a shit about them.

Thank you cnn.com this is good news coverage A+.

Celebrity Hard-On: February 2008

taylor(right)
On the right...

Hey does anybody remember when Hanson was popular? Yeah, it was about the same time Joey Fatone was attractive, so just shy of never. Sadly, with a series of not-quite-hits and a fandom that does not age along with them, one of Hanson's late-blooming but only assets has developed silently beneath the radar.

That asset is the Hotness of Taylor Hanson.

The first person to whom I confessed this secret lusting (my friend Sam) thought I was crazy and that Taylor Hanson is going the way of Donald Trump. Yes, with the sexy blonde (real) hair, angular features, smooth skin and fuck-me eyes, Donald Trump really does have a simliar appeal to the middle Hanson kid. :-\ Seriously, if anyone can see the resemblance, PLZ speak up.

taylor(left)
... left...

For the rest of us, I suggest we sit back and gaze upon Taylor's dirty-ish sexiness. It's the kind of sexiness that would make out with you at the back of an indie rock concert or squeeze your knee while having boring shop conversations with fellow musicians to remind you he knows you're there and will have lots of sex with you later to make up for ignoring you now. It's hot without having that Fruity Microbrew look that's just so awful.

Try to forget that he's been married for a while and has like 19 children already. It ruins the image, but not too much because fatherhood is sexy. Fact. I can prove it: a) it means a man is virile, and b) pregnancy doesn't make men fat. It only makes women fat.

The major drawback to Taylor Hanson is that he's so often pictured with his brothers, Horseyface and the Fat Kid. I'm gonna suggest you crop them in Photoshop or draw smileys over the faces in MS Paint before adding those shots to your little folder of hot guy pics I know you all have on your computers.

I know Taylor Hanson may not be everybody's first choice for a celebrity bone, but you can't deny that he gives you a tiny bit of that down-low tickle. Am I wrong?

taylor(center)
... and center.

Daily Curios: Absentee Father Edition

Ok ok, so the whole motivational fibrous post-regularly thing didn't pan out. But Q: Who's crying over my absence? A: Nobody.

To update, I saw like 3 concerts and met someone neat and mostly sat in my apartment eating candy and cookies and giant cheeseburgers, which coincidentally, is what I plan on doing this evening.

I am Codename: Loser. Look at this stuff:

Stuff White People Like

White Ninja made me snort at work.

Twice.

Business Time

20 Products Guaranteed to Anger God

Colin: Would you eat a chocolate cruficix?
Me: Yes.
Colin: Me too.

And lastly: Stuffed Animals Inside-Out (Link ganked from Ze Frank)

Daily Curios

davidgarrett2004b
David Garrett

It's raining out, so no proper blog entry today. This is all you get.

Rain stifles creativity. Everyone knows that. It also makes everything gray and wet and drowns things. This is my mood. The only thing that'll perk me up right now is cookies. I want cookies.

Perhaps some potato chips.

---------

For the nerds: This guy does awesome video game video reviews. Today's is on Sim City Societies but they're all awesome.

Violinist trips and destroys priceless Strad. Story sad because he's so hot otherwise nobody would care.

The sexy librarian image in a futile attempt to be debunked.

Here's another picture of David Garrett before you go:

David Garrett

Daily Curios

Overcompensating on Scientology Protests.

Chris has got me beat. (He calls me Uma.)

Greg Johnson hates Perez Hilton and that other asshole.

Valentine's Day Cards from: The GOP :: Diesel Sweeties

lohan's back

Ooh and this flashlight makes scambled eggs!

oh and NO FUCKING POETRY!

How to Have a Not Shitty Blog

I'm the authority on having a not shitty blog because I have a shitty blog and know just how it's done. Rules:

  1. Nobody gives a shit what you ate for breakfast or what song you're listening to or any of that livejournal crap. Unless you saw Mary in your cornflakes or built a really cool Cheerios empire WITH PICS save it for the old folks home.
  2. Do you use your blog to complain about the same problems that you can't fix because you're emotionally inept? The internet is not your shrink or your diary or your mom.
  3. Don't post porn. It's 2008 and unless we are 12, we already know where to go to see all the free porn that we want so don't post pictures of your stolen porn because you probably only like boring stuff like half the porn-posters do. If you have a porn blog you get a pass.
  4. Don't post artistic porn EVER EVER. First of all, going on about how pornography is art and the beauty of the human body isn't original and it doesn't make you edgy like your overexposed myspace pictures of your eye do. Most of it sucks, and we don't want to see lame colorized shots of shaved plastic statues staring into middle distance like they got punched between the eyes.
  5. Are you posting about how good your haircut looks? No it doesn't.
  6. Don't write about politics if you're an idiot.
  7. Kev says: Don't talk about your boyfriend, nobody loves him but you.
  8. If you MUST talk about your boyfriend, don't refer to him as your "sweet cookie face" or I will come to your house when you are sleeping and barf on your pillow and eat live scorpions beforehand.
  9. Are you writing something only your friends will understand? Do only your friends read your blog? Do you spend all your time making awards in MS Paint and cycling them around the same 10 people? You don't need to blog, you need to go to the mall.
  10. Do you link to me? Good, that makes you have a good blog.
  11. Are you posting over and over about the tricks you bring home and how you keep in touch but OOH FEELINGS and it's SO DEEP and now you don't talk anymore and the same thing cycles every weekend? That's SO interesting, but next time, try sleeping with someone with more than three chest hairs and remember not to blog about it.
  12. Do you use your blog to snark back at people who leave you bad YouTube comments on your crappy videos? Good, keep it up, you are funny.
  13. If your blog is very sad, remember to make it red and black and have lots of pictures of fairies with torn wings.
  14. If what you're posting has been posted on a gazillion other blogs already post it anyway but don't act like you're original and made up the ideas yourself.
  15. Kev also says: Oh add pictures to all your entries and don't use too many words because no one likes to read. [I don't follow this rule but I have a shitty blog so it's ok.]
  16. Last, if all you can think of to do is post camera phone pictures of yourself and your sunglasses and hats collection, don't think we're impressed by your style and you look like a bug.

If reading these rules made you out of ideas for what to write, you have a shitty blog and you can be in the club. I'm president.

One Bird, Many Stones

Ugh YOU GUYS I'm in a shitty mood now because I just watched this movie that makes me upset.

Ok, so I was 14, right, and I caught the middle of this movie on TV where this woman totally gets stoned to death by her family and neighbors as part of some stupid yearly tradition, and it really bothered me. The image stuck with me for years of this poor woman in her ugly blue dress and her poor pretty daughter in her ugly green dress and it would make me sad every time I thought of it.

But I sorta forgot about it eventually, y'know, but a couple weeks ago at work it came up in conversation and I just had to Netflix the movie to torture myself and relive this horrible upsetting memory.

lottery
Felicity? Topanga.

You've probably guessed already that it's a movie adaptation of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" starring Keri Russell as the girl in the ugly green dress. Anyway, I just watched it and it UNSURPRISINGLY bought back all those horrible feelings.

But what made it even worse this time is that it's a SHITTY TV MOVIE like beyond normal shitty TV movie quality. Luckily it stars this ABSOLUTELY DREAMBOAT SEX MAN (who's ugly now, so I'm not posting a link) so that made it a little less boring. It also starred Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World as the preacher. "No Mr. Matthews, you cannot pour your father's ashes on your mother's grave!"

The point is it's one thing to get sentimental over disturbing images in a compelling film, but it's another to weep over some shitstorm of a TV movie. C'mon, me, Lifetime Original much?

Then I tortured myself more by listening to the original story afterwards, which is just like the movie except of ACTUAL quality. Luckily the little commercial at the end of the recording completely destroyed any effect the poignant ending may have had.

I forgot where I was going with this. In conclusion, try not to have feelings.

Daily Curios

America eats some real disgusting stuff.

Tuscaloosa Cookie Man
Tuscaloosa Cookie Man is Kinda Cute

Remember the Vegetable Orchestra? This one's out of car parts.

Epic Fail Guy -- Can someone explain this to me?

Grinding Away at the Ol' Factory

It smells like feet in my office today, and I'm such a dork that the only jokes I can think of about that involve Kimmie Gibbler. Q: How many Kimmie Gibblers does it take to make my office smell like a foot? A: One.

Anyway, winter's finally arrived. You can tell because the city has transformed into a network of intersecting wind tunnels thrashing and destroying the only Good Hair Day I've had in 2 weeks. Negative points for timing because today I was supposed to show off my haircut to Coworker Liz, but she approved anyway, which is important. My life is so interesting, aren't you glad I'm blogging more?

She Ain't What She Used To Be

I went to the salon today. Got my hair trimmed.

For a few days I've been toying with the idea of ceasing to dye my hair. I haven't had it natural in a while. Well that went all to shit when Agnes told me I'm fucking GREYING!!!

Greying!

Fabulous. Fucking fabulous. She said I have a lot more grey hair on the sides than I did last time I was in. I have some pretty significant roots, that's how she can tell.

Stupid asshole adoption agency couldn't let me know I'd be getting grey hair at 25!! ENOUGH GREY HAIR, IN FACT, THAT MY STYLIST COULD TELL THROUGH A DYE JOB!

Well sure enough I went home and looked and found them and was ready to die. So that's it for me. I might as well get fat and develop some sort of Delta Burke OCD packrat disorder. I have plenty of time to slip into senility now that I won't need to bother having sex or a social life for the next 25 years until everyone I know starts catching up to me in the aging process.

If you need me, I'm checking into the fogie home. I'll be sure to hold up a sign so you can tell me apart from all the other withering inmates because God knows there's no further way to tell us apart.

Daily Curios

Deb on the Web showcases her son's Innocent Cow Car (below).

Cow Car
Cow Car w/ Cute British Owner

First, guy gets his shit stolen. (Link ganked from Kev.) Then, guy takes shit from strangers in typical YouTube fashion. Last, guy sets shit-taken to music

Something I did: In response to this, I helped my friend (Kev again) travel the world and take pictures of him by monuments with his mouth agape: Agape Slideshow

Maryland's Governor O'Malley supports Hillary Clinton, so fuck you!!!!! (Photo courtesy The Baltimore Sun.)

Shakespeare invented the eyeball. Or at least, the "eyeball."

Lent Ills

SO, Lent, right? Lent came early this year, made more apparent by the fact that New York has had no snow worth mentioning and only a couple of really cold days, so it feels like winter's not even underway and everyone should be putting up Christmas trees. On Wednesday otherwise normal people we walking around the city with crap on their heads, apparently as an act of repentance. Granted this is no more retarded than the Jews' tradition of throwing rocks into the water, but isn't repentance supposed to be, y'know... repentant? Flogging, apology letters, and emo self-mutilation are repentant. Putting dirt on your face is just dirty.

I like the idea of Lent because I'm amused by the fact that people believe some omnipotent being creator of the universe type is going to give a rat's shit if they stop eating sweets for a month. Yeah, I know it's to signify Jesus' life in the desert when he resisted the temptations of Satan for 40 days, but what I want to know is what temptation was there in the first place? It's a freaking desert. Other than feverish masturbation, there aren't a whole lot of sins to commit, and after a couple days in the sun, I'm pretty sure one's desire to wank is automatically quelled by heavy sunburn and dehydration.

And seriously, if you're going to emulate Jesus' restraint, then you should resist the ENTIRE lure of Satan. I love that the people who say "I'm giving up salty things!" or "I'll stop having sex!" will still commit every other sin to which they are accustomed and continue to curse out people on the subway and smack their wives and stuff. You can't be like Jesus, ok? Quit pretending.

I did Lent one year. When I announced this, everyone was all "OMGWTF, you're a Jew" but they didn't understand that I had this all worked out. For Lent, I gave up Judaism!

It was pretty easy. About as easy as my friend who gave up cake but not frosting. I half-assedly tried to curb my Yiddish exclamations, which were spare in the first place, and I didn't light a single Hannukkah candle. I didn't feel much closer to God in the end, but as a post-modern experiment, I think it went fairly well. (I can't define post-modernism, so don't bitch at me if I'm misusing the term because I don't care.)

But I still hold that giving up personal sins for Lent is largely pretty lame. So many pious traditions are so self-involved. So instead, I want to encourage people to instead observe the "charity" portion of Lent that seems to get left out most of the conversations. Charity's hard because it's money, but there are other ways to put something into the world. Make something!

That's what I'm doing. Yeah, so I've decided to to Lent again, only this time, I'm not giving up anything (except perhaps eating an entire bag of Oreos like last night.) This year, I'm going to try and make something every day for 40 days even if it's really stupid and pathetic.

Yesterday, I made a slideshow so my friend could see the world. (I'm linking to it in another entry, so hold you horses.) Wednesday was before I had this great idea, so I didn't make anything that day. Unless you count how I made fun of that guy whose ash smudge looked like a smiley face.

Anyway, I'll probably fail because everybody fails at Lent, but at least I don't really think God's paying attention to me.

What are you guys doing for Lent?

Asian Beauty is a Phone Call Away

Good morning! Here's TV's Asian Nancy Kwan with some Friday morning beauty secrets:

in the what? : February 2007

I was looking back at my blog archives this morning, and I realized that I used to write a hell of a lot more. I'd have these entries with actual words and more than one of them a week even. It was this GOLDEN AGE.

So new goal: do that again. But not right now. Instead, let's take a trip back.

February 2007 Archives

Went on a date with a hot Icelander but was too culturally retarded.

I am Britney Spears with a cat

Chinese people are crazy

Asshole cab experience makes me hate brown people.

karaoke1
Will you be my Valentine?

Crash, Burn

I have a curse. Did you know? A real one. From a witch.

The witch in question is whatever ex-boyfriend I feel like blaming when the curse takes effect. The curse itself is that one time and only one time every winter, I will slip and fall spectacularly, injuring my tailbone and my pride in the process. EVERY WINTER! But just once!

calvindadslip
This is me.

Last year, I was lucky because I slipped outside of the laundry room early on a Saturday, and nobody was around. Two years before that was the worst one emotionally because it happened when I had been looking for a parking space for 30 minutes and was already running late for my interview with the Indiana University musicology department. I was walking with serious purpose down the road in my new overcoat and cute outfit when I hit a patch of black ice and my legs FLEW into the air like a cartoon character! I landed flat on my back in SO much pain and SOAKED. So I entered my interview totally pissed off, which was only made worse because my first interviewer was a dickbag. Whatever, I got in the program anyway, which goes to show that I'm smarter than a sore ass.

Anyway, you may have guessed that this season's humiliating crash came today in a season I thought was safe because we have had NO ICE OR SNOW SO FAR! Turns out all I need is drizzle and a staircase.

Yes, a staircase. I fell down the stairs on the way to the subway this morning. Don't worry, I didn't tumble and break all my bones. It was more like the IU Interview Day fall where my legs flew out in front of me (WAAUGHH!) and I landed on my ass on the stairs... and slid down the last five. And cut my hand.

The woman behind me was really nice and made sure I was alright even though the fall made my umbrella open at her and she could have easily killed herself too. Another woman asked "Are you ok?" but walked by without waiting for an answer. I love that unique brand of New York compassion. Anyway, now my ass hurts again.

The worst part about a bruised tailbone is that it's impossible to sit comfortably. I've been shifting in my chair like I have hemorrhoids all day. Worse still, I have shoe crap all over my butt. At least I'm wearing ugly clothes today.

I choose to blame the Witch Ben, even though he's not a proper ex. He never called me back, so gets to be the asshole. I HOPE YOU BURN LIKE MY ASS!

Kenya

Kenyan death toll reaches 1,000

With a headline like that, don't you think they'd want a picture of someone who looks just a little bit sad? Not someone joyfully proclaiming: "I went shopping!"

**UPDATE 2/6/08** CNN went and changed the headline and article after I linked to it. They're annoying, I'm not dumb. Ok.