Chinese Vampire Primer

Nothing at all happened yesterday or today; all I did after work was play video games and watch TV, and all today I worked real hard, so I haven't even read the news or anything. So instead, I'm going to tell you about the Chinese vampire movie I saw this week (Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters) about these vampire hunters that pretend to be caterers for some reason and then wait for this vampire to come. I am going to talk to you about it by teaching you what it taught me about Chinese vampire mythology:

Chinese vampires start out as zombies because they are unlucky. They rise from the grave or are resurrected by a necromancer and then hop around with their arms straight out in front of them like hopping mummies. Zombies are mindless hopping killing machines, and the only way to stop them is by putting a piece of paper on their face. Once they kill someone, they get promoted to vampire (with extra responsibilities, but a hefty raise to go with it.)

Chinese vampires are made out of still-wet paper maché. They are very powerful. Their superpowers are flying, evil halitosis, super-strength, and Go Go Gadget Arm with fingernail guns and kung-fu action grip. Do not get close to a Chinese vampire because the evil halitosis is deadly and will set you on fire. If it does not set you on fire, it will paralyze you and then you will start to jiggle and your blood will come out of your eyeballs and mouth in a fine, refreshing mist that will float into the vampire's face through his mouth and eyeballs. Then it will set you on fire. It's pretty cool to watch, but not to experience.

All Chinese vampires are pregnant, and if you cut off the head with your flying-zen samurai moves, the fetus will be very angry. He will come out of the vampire's stomach and become a new vampire with Super Scary Slime coating. It probably smells pretty bad too.

Oh, I forgot to say that Chinese vampires have Gopher Powers and can burrow underground very fast. Prepare to dodge the moving mound of dirt. Sometimes the vampire will put his special metal hands in your body and move them around real fast until you turn into a pile of skin. Try to avoid that too.

The only way to kill a vampire is to be a zen master. Teamwork is also a good strategy. Grenades and dynamite are the weapon of choice, but don't stand too close.

That is all there is to know about Chinese vampires. This movie also teaches you valuable lessons about snakes, consummating your marriage when you have the chance, the value of friendship, and why to avoid covering your dead relatives in wax and putting them in a room together to have dinner (because they can come to life and hop around and even kung-fu can't stop all 25 of them--that part was pretty funny... put them in bunny suits, and it would look like Revenge of the Mall Easter Bunnies!!!!!)

Anyway, the movie was awesome even if it was in Chinese and the subtitler sometimes made up English words that don't exist. Let's calculate the score:

Evil hopping zombies : +10
Plot like an episode of Three's Company : -5
Snakes (+1 ea.) : +1
Confusion factor because all the characters look the same (this is NOT a racist thing) : -20
Paper maché vampire : +50
Engrish subtitles : -2
No hot actors: -5
Tilt for awesomeness : +700

All in all this movie gets 729 stars. Rent it for your niece or the girl you babysit for. She'll love the bunnies.