Celebrity Hard-On: April 2007

Oops I almost forgot to do this but I remembered today because of last night. This was supposed to be a monthly thing starting in February, but I forgot to do March and am now doing April at the last possible second. Whatever, read someone else's blog if you want consistent regular features. Yesterday I felt gross and had only a broken cell phone, so I stayed home by myself and watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights and The Princess Bride. What these two movies have in common is that they both star this month's Celebrity Hard-On, Cary Elwes.

You may be thinking "WTF gross," so let me explain now that like last time, this month's featured celebrity is here based on his appearance in the past. I hesitate to call it faded beauty because that's mean and girly and he's aged fairly well for the most part. Now he looks like a really good father. But what I want to point out here is that Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride is the sexiest man ever to live.

I was originally going to honor Errol Flynn with this entry, but I changed my mind. It was a narrow margin, and I like the two for the same reason, but Errol Flynn's little mustache bothered me a bit too much, and I prefer Cary Elwes' cheekbones and still-aliveness. But to be true, either would do.

When I grow up, I'm going to marry a swashbuckler. He's going to swordfight to win my hand and be all suave and morally ambiguous and he'll wear masks and always be faithful and love me only. And he'll be blonde. And can be a pirate named Captain Jack or Roberts or a rogue with a girly name or whatever, it doesn't matter as long as he wears a lace-up shirt because there's nothing hotter than a man in a lace-up shirt that gets all loose and open, revealing his glistening pectorals because he's been fighting for my honor.

To the right up above is a picture of Cary from the beginning of Princess Bride, one of the few scenes in cinematic history that makes me cry every time. He's so beautiful. I pretend he's talking to me. To the left is a picture of him waiting for me in bed wearing the shirt I mentioned before. He's only wearing the little mustache as a joke, it will peel off as soon as I climb in with him.

This picture is from when he was building our dream house. He's looking up from the blueprints because I just told him to grab his sword and put on his Zorro mask so we can play "Damsel in Distress," a game in which he saves me from the invading brigand horde and whisks me away to the unfinished bedroom where there are a lot of candles lit and we can have sex by them. I don't mind playing the damsel because I'm secure in my masculinity.