Oooh, what if Carol played Alice???

Ok I have a surprise for you all but I can't give it to you until I find the cord that connects my camera to my computer. I remember coming across it a million times in recent months, but now that I need it there's no way to find it.

Anyway yesterday I watched Alice in Wonderland on DVD despite Netflix insisting it would be a "Long wait". It stars Natalie Gregory, the worst child actress ever, and Carol Channing at her best.

This was a two-part TV special in the 80's, the first part based on Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and the second on Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There, both were an hour and a half long. We taped them, and I was obsessed with them. I watched them over and over and over until my dad taped over them and I swore I'd never be happy again. But now some freak decided to release them on DVD even though they're terrible and have no value beyond nostalgia, but I don't care I'm so excited! I Netflixed them in case they sucked all these years later, but they don't so I'm buying them.

They completely massacre the books even though lots of dialogue is directly imported, but if you're going to get all upset about that, spare us all your complaining and don't watch this. It's terribly written (though the teleplay is by Pigman author Paul Zindel), Alice is awful, and it has these revolting little songs that have nothing to do with anything. Tweedledee and Tweedledum, played by husband and wife duo Eydie Gormé and Steve Lawrence, sing about shaking hands, the Mad Hatter sings about the virtues of laughter, and more perplexing of all, the red and white queen, in the middle of a conversation about how cool it is to be a queen, bust out in a little song about math. The math song rocks, by the way: "Do you know addition, what is one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and two?" That's Carol Channing. (I know the line comes from the book, but the song itself still has no context.)

Speaking of Carol Channing, even when I was 10 she was my favorite part of this production. It's the only thing I've ever seen her in, and its influence was enough to make her my personal hero. I've dreamt of her, I smile at her name... she represents to many wonderful things to me, and it's only her role as the White Queen that I have to go by. Anyway, she's fab and has crazy hair and flaps her arms around singing "Jam tomorrow, jam yesterday, but never ever jam today" and I just have to get up and dance. She's perfect. Every word, every gesture. I would rewind and watch her scenes over and over to the point where little white lines would appear because the tape was getting damaged. From the website I linked above:

When Carol Channing asked whether Allen thought she should develop an English accent for her role as the White Queen, the producer wailed, "I don't want any accent. I brought Carol Channing to do Carol Channing..."

Yes. She did Carol Channing.

Oh and wait until you see the special effects, they're fantastic, especially the part where she cuts the cake and PING it's back in one piece again.

The most amazing result of my obsession with this film was that when I finally read Lewis Carroll's books for the first time and every time since, I cannot read the poems "Old Father William" and "The Walrus and the Carpenter" without singing them like they do. It's awesome. Sammy Davis Jr. does the best "Old Father William", his most brilliant performance ever. I know I said the songs sucked but also, they're awesome.

Anyway, none of you will like this unless you've seen it as a kid, in which case I don't have to tell you how amazing it is. But now you all know it's available so go buy it immediately ok bye.