I don't know what happened, but last night I got a total of 15 hours of sleep and woke up with that headachy lethargy that takes a while to shake. I guess that reunion tuckered me out and I can't handle that college lifestyle anymore even though this weekend's lifestyle included full nights of sleep as well as afternoon naps.
Anyway, I slept through the time I was meant to be processing pictures, so you don't get to hear about it yet. I know it kills you.
Dudes, I'm totally at my 5-year college reunion and nobody recognizes me because I'm SO TOTALLY DIFFERENT and such a turnaround beauty, right?
I'm totally wearing a new bracelet and pendant and pretending I love my job so everyone things I'm the picture of success.
Oh shit I forgot the library totally closes for lunch, which is so retarded, but I gotta go k bye.
So that guy who found No Ass Me in that porn a few weeks ago has now found Total Dweeboid Me at an Obama Rally in Oregon.
He didn't say which one it was, but it was pretty obvious. But seeing as though I've never been to Oregon, I don't really support Obama that hard, and my mouth only makes that shape in select circumstances, you can tell he's a total imposter. I like his shirt, though.
Anyway last Friday I went to a Gay Blogger Meetup hosted by the illustrious David where I managed to meet zero new gay bloggers because I am socially awkward. That's not true, I talked to a couple people, I just don't know who they are. One was rude to me in this superior way and I was like "WhatEVER I could cool you under the table!" but everyone else was pretty nice. Too bad I have no idea who any of you are and didn't give out the name of my blog really. I wore my Princess Peach tie.
Anyway my socially awkward antics continued last night at this dinner party called Sup that The Architect dragged invited me to. Basically every month this guy gets a chef and and bunch of people to come over and you all eat this delicious food they make. And you pay because it's expensive to buy all that stuff. It's all word of mouth apparently, so... Right basically nobody there had a normal job, they all have cosmo-sounding jobs like "architect" or "interior designer" or "lingerie designer." Nobody was just like "I'm in retail" like you hear everywhere else, so I was totally out of my league. Luckily "music librarian" is pretty cool so people were fooled into thinking I might have class even though I wouldn't eat half the foods they put in front of me like the mushroom or the green soup. The food was really really amazing, tho, maybe I should say that so I can get invited back.
The lingerie designer found my pickiness appealing, so she was my first new friend. I also made friendly with the interior designer, who does really neat work if you follow the link on his black business card (because everyone but me apparently has fucking business cards). He grilled me on music, and I owe him an e-mail telling him to listen to Gorecki 3 and Schnittke 8, oh but I gave him my blog address let's see if he actually reads it I'LL KNOW IF YOU LIE TO ME DUDE!
Another person I liked was this gregarious video game producer who invited me over for dinner and Rock Band sometime. Considering how much time I spend sitting on my ass playing video games lately, it's pretty much an ok idea.
UPDATE: While self-obsessively trolling my blog stats, I found I was linked to by one of the nice guys I talked to for more than two seconds on Friday at the blogger thing. His name is Hawley and you should all be friends with him immediately. I guess I gave out some info after all, I am SUCH the networker PR CAREER HERE I COME!
I'm so glad I got two hits to my blog yesterday from people searching for "xtube super fat belly boy" because that pretty much sums me up completely these days. I've decided to up my work-out commitment because gay marriage is no good to me if I look like a cow in all my pictures. Ok new topic.
So a couple things. First of all, I'm watching Krull, some 80's fantasy/sci fi movie starring Ken Marshall and I have no idea what's going on in it because I'm not paying any attention WOW but I just looked at the screen and Liam Neeson is in it for some reason.
Anyway I mostly like it because the female lead had bad teeth and Ken Marshall looks kind of like a rugged Errol Flynn.
Oh look an alien.
Also I realized I don't think I've shared any pictures of The Architect which is mostly because he told me he's not photogenic and then proved it. .... wait maybe I have shared a picture OMG I DID I just remembered the fire-breathing one. Anyway here's another:
Alright I'm falling asleep. I don't think I'm going to make it through the end of this movie. Oh speaking of giving up in the middle of 80's movies, The Architect and I watched half of The Blue Lagoon last night and after all of Brooke Shields' lines, I'd hear in my head Fake Brenda Dickson saying "That was acting. Thank you."
So at about 1:00 today, and after 2 years of deliberation, the California Supreme Court announced that it is unconstitutional to disallow same-sex marriages in the state. Want some tiresome legalese? Granted. My friend directed me to p. 120-121, which is a relatively readable portion.
I'm assuming this is exciting, yes? I'm hesitant to pick out a cumberbund just yet because a) I'm politically/legally ignorant, b) I don't know if I want black, white, or grey at my wedding, and c) the issue has had this torrid history... and I also haven't gotten to read any reactions, so I'm forced to come up with my own opinions, and that's never very easy for me. :-/
But my informed, worldly lawyer friend mentioned that he believes the CT and U.S. courts may use this in upcoming decisions. NY also has a pending decision, if I'm not mistaken. The three states plus MA make up a fair portion of the U.S. population.
So I suppose I'll go ahead, pop a cork, and drink to the Supreme Court of California. Thanks for being rational! I knew republicans weren't all bad. Now let's just see how this plays out.
UPDATE: I just realized I never linked to an actual news article so here you go.
Barf me out, man if my mother breastfed me until I was 8 I'd sue her for making it impossible for me to form a regular social relationship with ANYONE. I'd probably also be into men with tits.
I was never breastfed at all, and it didn't make a damn bit of difference in my life.
Look at this picture from when I was 18.
Wasn't I attractive? I used to use this picture on slutty websites because it got a good response, but I eventually stopped because I felt like I was lying. That's one thing I appreciate about my college experience in northern Ohio: If I didn't go to school in such a tiny shit town with nobody to meet, I'd probably have some of those STDs that don't go away.
The Architect: today you get me. wonderful me.
me: how much are you worth?
The Architect: 2$
me: Unacceptable.
I blogged.
I didn't tell you this story on purpose yesterday because I wanted to blog about it.
Is that some sort of social condition?
I think it is.
Also 2$? What nationality are you it's $2.
I forgot to tell you about yesterday when I was walking down the sidewalk to lunch with my coworker and there were a million people about (because it's Midtown) and this woman in her sixties (probably fifties) came up behind us trying to walk all fast. I saw her in my keen peripheral vision, but before I could even react to get out of her way she was all "Jesus Christ...." under her breath like "why aren't these people catering to my every whim?" I'm thinking HELLO your line is "excuse me" you entitled little harpie! Luckily I was feeling good and felt like giving some back, so as I moved I said "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were in such a hurry." Then she rounded on me and said "I have a JOB! Maybe one day you'll get a job and then you'll understand!"
Clever retorts exploded into my brain like my muse had this huge, epic O, but they were overshadowed by my coworker and I doubling over in laughter. She walked on and didn't look back, at which point my coworker and I started talking about how she probably thought I didn't have a job because I was wearing jeans. (That's a tardy conclusion, btw, nevermind the fact that no self-respecting 20-something would ever be caught dead hanging around midtown at 1:30 in the afternoon unless they worked there.)
Anyway, since my jeans made me unemployed, we decided that her leopard print trenchcoat, bleached hair, and black leggings made her a washed-out Russian hooker late on her way to blow some John on his lunch break. Some people get ALL the class, you know?
So yeah if you meet some trussed-up old banshee from the softer side of Sears who invokes Christ instead of showing some manners, you can tell H.R.H. I said hi and that I apologize for brushing up against her fetching red pleather handbag as she shoved my layabout ass aside.
Eat your heart out, guys, I got another Connexion message from Melvin! He is 49 and enjoys reading "LOTR and religious books."
Connexion is this gay facebook-type site that I found in grad school because it shares a name with the cooperative cataloging client that I use 8 hours a day every day. When I tried to go to the client's website for the first time, it was this gay networking site, and I was like OMG WEIRD! Nobody uses it, but I have a librarian pen pal in NH who I correspond with through there, so I sign on now and then. I wonder if he found the site the same way.
Anyway that's all I have to say about Melvin except that this is like the third message I've gotten from him that says "write back if interested" and nothing else. I don't feel bad ignoring them because I'm just following instructions.
Speaking of shitty teen romantic comedies, I watched Get Over It last night because I am stupid. It's like 10 Things I Hate About You without the cleverness or charm or Heath Ledger but with Kirsten Dunst and her teeth like a mouth full of broken glass.
The plot is this cute guy loves this hot redhead until she dumps him for a boy band singer and he joins the school play to get her back but falls in love with Kirsten Dunst instead for some reason. I'm kinda surprised I made it through, but I did. Here's how I felt after:
Don't see it. I know you're all disappointed. In case you decide to disobey me and see it anyway, just remember that Sisqo is in it and you'll change your mind.
Anyway since this entry is filled with unpleasant topics like Melvin and Kirsten Dunst, I'll cheer you up by letting you look at that picture of Scott Porter again.
Hooray I still have a hangover headache from two days ago!
Anyway Friday I met The Architect's parents, who are fabulous. Dadchitect is enormous, which was intimidating until I realized we were going to dinner and not Wrestlemania, and Archimom reminded me of my Aunt Kathy's sister, and therefore somewhat of my Aunt Kathy, both of whom I like.
Oh, and I was asleep by 11 that night because as I've mentioned before The Architect and I are geriatrics and so we were up way early and he went out running while I stayed in like a housewife darning socks reading my book. Hey The Architect, I have an idea for our next date. Let's eat dinner at 4:30 and then go home and watch The Blue Lagoon but fall asleep halfway through. I'm serious.
The rest of the weekend I played video games and watched movies like The Dark Crystal and Speed Racer because on top of being a geriatric, I am also a 10-year-old.
Speed Racer was pretty much a 2-hour sugar rush and shitty but in a good way where you just have to say "This is a racing movie" and you get over the fact that it's kinda bad. Susan Sarandon is in it, and you could see it in her eyes: "OMG I hate reciting these cliche lines but at least this isn't The Hunger, God that movie sucked." She was thinking of The Hunger the whole time.
The visual style of SR was also pretty awesome because I like bright colors and shiny things. I also enjoyed this visual style:
Too bad his character eats it in the opening sequence SPOILER ALERT!
He's not like exceptionally hot but hot in a real-life kinda way and I like the fuzziness and stuff so you can all be as mean to me as you want but I'm not changing my mind.
Ok, I gotta go save the rest of the pictures to my desktop see ya!
Regarding my boring not-fit-to-blog life, David told me to sell it, to SELL the paint drying, so that is what I am going to do. Please give me $50 to continue reading.
This is my stuffed Wailord, the baleen whale Pokemon, flying in from the west. He is a stuffed animal Kevin gave me because he knows good friends are the ones that give the most presents. Right now Wailord is guardian of my pirated DVD's.
Wailord is enormous, which reminds me of this woman at the gym today. She was at the bench next to me laying on it with her legs in the air doing crunches and she had this big ol' chick butt, right, and I went over to rack some dumbbells and get smaller ones because I am a pitiful weaking when she farted right there with her ass in the air!
It was so loud I thought Jesus was coming back but then I realized what happened and was able to save myself from falling to my knees. I didn't want to go back over to my bench so I just pretended to look at the weights for a while when I realized the weights I wanted were on the rack right next to her butt so I decided to do another exercise instead.
I dunno why when that happens everyone's supposed to keep quiet and pretend they didn't notice because it's so awkward that way and it's not OUR fault, so anyway any normal person would have the decency to run away crying but not her, she just kept on crunching, which I guess I'm supposed to respect but I just don't. At least she wasn't doing squats.
Right so moving on these next three pictures represent the TOTALLY AWESOME BORING STUFF I DID LAST NIGHT:
I read a book with my cat.
I ate this sandwich. (Foot-longs at Subway are just $5 for a limited time only!)
I organized my comic books and caught up because I was a few months behind in reading. I'd just like to say that if the Buffy series doesn't freaking quit it with the over-the-top ridiculous Dracula crap I'm doing to quit reading them, just kidding I'm too much of a fanboy to quit so I'll just go over there and do violence on the writers.
BANG like that!!!
Oh my God, I can't believe I read comic books... it just sort of occured to me...
A couple people have asked me why I barely ever blog anymore, so I am going to tell you about my night last night, and you'll understand why.
Last night I got home from work and played video games for an hour. Then I watched a shitty movie, put some photos on Flickr, and read Harry Potter for a while. I also ate a frozen mini-pizza and updated my calendar that I never use. Then I made a big to-do list and then did some of the things on the to-do list.
Now I will tell you about the last date I had.The last date I had was Saturday and we went out and ate dinner after he got his hair cut. Then when my friend failed to call me back regarding her brother-in-law's klezmer concert, we wandered around and then went home where we watched Return of the King, the extended edition, but we didn't even make it halfway through before we got tired and went to bed at 11:30 without sex of any sort.
Now I will tell you about last week when I got sick.
Last week I got sick and sat around playing video games all day. Like... ALL DAY. I fell into that video game coma where you get obsessed in that bored way and when you turn the system off, you can't think of anything else to do because it's ALL boring and at least video games are boring and lazy, so you turn it back on even though you're really sick of playing video games and gaining weight all day. I call it Ennwii.
To conclude, I barely blog anymore because my life is like paint drying except for the slight change in color making the paint a little more interesting.
Last night I watched a shitty movie called Zerophilia in which this not-quite-cute-enough guy who's a douchebag has this genetic disorder where he turns into a girl when he has sex. And then he turns into a boy if he has sex again. It's a cute idea made shitty by being realized as a cheap romantic comedy that's neither romantic nor comical. My favorite part was sexy Kyle Schmid, this month's Celebrity Hard-On, whose illustrious acting credits include that Blood Ties show about vampires and an episode of Degrassi.
Here he is looking hot:
Here he is making me jealous of his hair:
Anyway, he's pretty much beautiful and has the most perfect body, so today I went to the gym so I can be just like him. It didn't really work, but I feel good about it anyway. Maybe by the end of the week I'll have an acting career too. I hope to be in an episode of Blood Ties as well, followed by a brief 4 or 5 episode run in Gossip Girl before moving on to Cinemax softcore porn. When I hit my thirties, I will be appearing in Lifetime Original Movies alongside Amy Jo Johnson, whom I will force to sign all my Power Rangers paraphernalia.
Ok that's all that's new with me lately except that also I kick ass at Mario Kart Wii.
I got a reader e-mail yesterday with a picture attached.
from: t**** ******
to: fivepointsfromgryffindor at gmail dot com
date: Apr 29, 2008 2:40 PM
subject: blog reader
and fan of course!!! i found this pic while surfing the internets for some porn i have yet to see and found this pic. is it you and is that how you secretly afford to live the high brow lifestyle in nyc? jus kidding of course, but use it to your advantage freely. good luck with ur job (search) in chicago, my fav u.s. big city!!!!
Here is a link to the NSFW pic.
Dear T,
No that is fucking not me, here is how you can tell:
1. My hair has never been that lanky and gross and rooty. I recolor it frequently and blow dry it every day!
2. I do NOT have skinny pale legs!
3. That kid has no ass and I have a gigantic ass.
Lastly. My features are more aristocratic. Also, I don't kiss because it distorts my face just like how girls weren't allowed to play the flute in the 18th century because it uglied them up.
Ok, I made up the last part. Anyway, thanks for thinking of me during your porn time, but next time you want to compare me to someone, check for no butt and pasty chicken legs and non-salon-quality sprouts. Are you in New York? We should probably have sex so you know better what to look for.
Maybe that was your goal in the first place. My friend wants to know if you're a foreigner.
Regards
2H
I named my penis!
Yeah, welcome to Douchebag Blog, I am your host. Naming your penis is retarded, mostly because most people give their penises stupid names like Spike or name them after themselves. I even had a guy once invoke the name of his penis during sex, which has got to be the biggest turn-off of all time.
Anyway, I'm not like that, I gave my penis and awesome name and I will never say it at inappropriate times, nor will I think it makes me manlier. My penis' new name is Ogleboss.
If you keep up with my deluge of comments (because of immense popularity) you know that that's the name a 4-year-old gave to my mini-slinky. Matthew writes:
That's great that you let a 4 year old name your cock.
That's not how it went down. Basically, the kid named the slinky and then stretched it out as far as he cool and started saying "Look how long I can get! I am the longest in the world! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"
It was totally disturbing, but it was then that my brain said "It is come. The name of your penis shall be Ogleboss the Transformer."
The Transformer because my penis is really tiny when it's not all big.
Anyway, now I am a douchebag too and must find further ways to exercise my douchebaggery.
Ogleboss likes the way you move tonight.
Updates: I'm out of Luna Bars, they never get better, it's Take Your Spawn to Work Day, and I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow for reasons I can't tell the Internet about. Here's a hint: it rhymes with schmob splinterview. I'm starting to get smervous about it.
But back to more pressing matters: My work is crawling with children today. It's rather gross. Luckily, the only on in my work area is also the only one that I like. He is my coworker's kid (obvs) and he is 4 and "drew" me a "picture" of some sort of giant-headed leopard "pokemon". He also colored me a picture of Disney's Pluto about to attack and viciously devour a grinning ostrich. It says "Ostriches can't fly, but they can run very fast." I added "BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH!"
I don't know what it is about kids that I don't get, but I don't get them. This one likes to tell me about all the animals he saw at the San Diego Zoo, but whenever I try to interject something, he doesn't give a shit! I talk about chipmunks and skunks and my kitty cat and all I get in return is "Oh. And I saw elephants and tigers and it went RAHR!" He gives a shit when OTHER people talk but never when I talk. However, I also think I'm his favorite. Favorite enough that he tried to hand me a dirty napkin. I went "Eew!" and I think he was hurt. WTF?
Despite the affection, however, I got a pencil thrown at me when his mom and I were doing our daily crossword and ignoring him, but you can't say to a 4-year-old "You little fucker! Unless you can tell me a 4-letter word that means 'ess-molding' we don't need you!" Or can you?
(The answer is ogee. It's a good one to remember.)
Anyway, I'm a failure at children. The 4-year-old also knows more animals and speaks more languages than me and will probably grow up to be a lot hotter too so I'm also a failure at life the end.
OMG he stole my good pen!
I have a friend in from out of town this weekend. He's coming today, right, and so starting Tuesday I did this SUPER INTENSE HOUSE CLEANING that was so hardcore it needs to be expressed in caps lock.
Houseguests usually require only B-Level Cleaning, but for some reason this week I got totally obsessed and upgraded it to A-Level. If you're wondering what the levels of cleaning are, they are as follows:
A-Level Cleaning -- SUPER INTENSE HOUSE CLEANING meaning going through everything and throwing away half your clothes and many of your belongings, totaling at least 8 garbage bags. I did 9 this time. Also everything gets scrubbed and vacuumed (even the TV) and the cat will probably hide for a couple days and refuse to sleep with you and instead wander around the house crying at 3 a.m. because it's so INTENSE! Requires many refrains of 'Happy Working Song' and possible furry animal assistants. Suitable for spring cleaning and OCD.
B-Level Cleaning -- Your general good clean. Wiping stuff down, dusting, cleaning up extra crap. Moderate garbage bag disposal. Suitable for houseguests, parental visits, and social services.
C-Level Cleaning -- General purpose tidying. Perhaps vacuuming all the cat hair off the couch. Suitable for post-third-date romantic partners who you know are beyond judging you and also for keeping general order in your life. Usu. performed at least weekly unless you're me.
D-Level Cleaning -- Faux cleaning. This involves shoving crap under the bed and kicking dust bunnies into corners and under the couch. Also "Dusting by Hand." Suitable for sudden hookups and Super Bowl Parties if you're gross.
E-Level Cleaning -- Turning off the lights.
Anyway, the cleaning has been so intense that I'm not even done, and when I get home today I'm doing another load of laundry or two and cleaning the bathroom, which I haven't even started. I like cleaning the bathroom, though, so it'll go quickly. Secretly pray with me that his plane is late.
The best part about ALC is all the neat stuff you find (and probably throw away.) I found a fish pen, my cat's favorite toy from like a year ago, a pretzel rod (in tact), about $10 in change, my copy of The Little Prince I thought was gone forever, the Beethoven Symphonies reduced for piano and cut into pieces for an art project I did 2 years ago, and a Game Cube that you can have for free if you want to come to my house and pick it up. There's treasure everywhere! Except the pretzel rod.
Anyway, all I'm saying is that my houseguest had better appreciate it even though he has no idea what the place looked like before. I should have let him sleep in my disgusting, grimy, furry, stank apartment for a night and then done it so he'd know the toil I have suffered for his comfort even though I know I already said it wasn't for him because he only requires BLC and I'm like SO HAPPY about it that it doesn't even matter what anybody else thinks because I feel like a grown up now.
This is the laundry room.
The only problem with all the cleaning is that my house feels really sterile and foreign now, much like Mars. It's got none of my trademark whatever. 'Oh how strange a place to be / 'til Colin comes for me / my heart is sighing....' Ok, it's me and this annoying song in my head for the next three weeks, get ready to want to punch me.
Anyone wanna be victimized?? Get your internalized homophobia here, folks! Apparently I've got some problems.
So that MRSA article photo from yesterday was featured on Towleroad today and most people thought it was pretty cool, but a couple people took issue with the caption, which ended "I hate to think this is all he knows about my lifestyle." 'John in Manhattan' writes:
"lifestyle"? TooHotty is clueless.
Yes, of course. How silly of me to choose my own word.
Anyway John in Manhattan learned on the GLAAD website that the phrase "gay lifestyle" is offensive, and despite my explanation that I didn't say "gay lifestyle", but rather "my lifestyle" to mean "the way I live my life", he seems to think I suffer from internalized homophobia.
I love being flamed on the internet, but this one was tame. There was a better one a few months back when an opera website linked to a passing and entirely facetious statement I made about a reviewer being pretentious, and they all got mad at me, again labeling me as this "clueless" typical young shallow gay kid. I get that a lot, which is so weird because my blog is SO TOTALLY FULL OF SUBSTANCE AND INSIGHT!
Anyway, you can read the comment thread if you want. You'll notice my new boyfriend Crispy stood up for me a couple times. That's pretty cool.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a shower and tidy my apartment because later I'm going out to beat up some queers.
