Crappiest Blog Entry in History

Yesterday was Yelp Gay Night VI at the remarkably unremarkable G-Lounge and it was fun but I have no pictures because I forgot my camera but my hair was awful anyway so I don't care.

There was this kid there who was really cute until you realize he has no personality or sense of humor. A bunch of us were in a minivan cab later and he was next to me in the back and he made some reference to Aaliyah that didn't make any sense and basically shut everybody up because nobody knew what he was talking about and in the middle of the awkward silence I said "I liked her in that vampire movie" IRONCALLY and everyone got it and laughed but he said to me like "Good, everyone thought I was a freak but now they think you are too so it's not so bad" because he missed the point entirely, the point being that it was a jab at him and that I am a cooler and he is a drooler.

At least I think everyone got it, maybe there were really laughing at me so let me announce that I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT SHITTY MOVIE. Anyway the point is that later apparently my friend touched him in the bathroom because my friend's a slutbag and that's why I like him. I can say that because he reads my blog now.

Anyway that story was more funny last night when I remembered it better and was drinking, so I'm not going to tell any more of it. Look, I took more pictures with my cat in them. She got an Easter basket from my mom with nothing for me inside.

Also here's a MySpace-style picture of my butt and lower abdomen for Bagel. Don't worry, this doesn't count as the backlit sexy one you requested, I'm having trouble working the lighting for that one. I'll work it out.

This pic can also be found on my Flickr, Facebook, and hopefully one day on gay.com so I can get all the boys.

I bought a new iPod today, so I celebrated at home and it looked like this:

Anyway I know I'm a walking cliche, but that's ACTUALLY ME and it took me about 2 hours to make this crappy imitation so you'd better appreciate it and leave me LOTS OF COMMENTS ABOUT HOW AWESOME I AM AT PHOTOSHOP AND ALSO ART AND IF YOU DON'T I WILL KNOCK DOWN YOUR HOUSE!

Ok I am drunk and I am going to bed now bye.

Inauguration

Hi guys! What have I been doing? Oh, not a lot. Little laundry. Little picture-taking. Little gaining 3 pounds. Oh and I went to a really shitty party last weekend for which the Architect owes me dinner and $90. It would be $100 but I stole his underwear.

The most important thing that happened at work this week was that Timothy passed away. My more loyal fans will remember Timothy Pirhana from last year. He was my dear friend and Lord of the Staple Graveyard, but he died in the field last week while removing a staple.

Actually, he exploded in my hand and it hurt like a bitch. Anyway, I had to make last-minute funeral arrangements and inaugurate his heir.

Timothy Pirhana's Final Hour

Anyway, he's dead now boo hoo I NOW PRESENT HIS HEIR the Mistress of Terror and Lady of the Staple Graveyard: Imogene Olivia Pirhana!

Hail to the Queen!

Isn't she sassy!?! Olivia Pirhana is a vixen!

Beneath those smouldering, heavily-lidded eyes lies a mysterious soul. Olivia Pirhana is a woman of many tastes, but she especially enjoys pain, vodka martinis, and smoking cigarettes with one of those Cruella DeVil holders. She also gets her eyebrows threaded at Pinky's on 6th Ave., that's why they're a little bit crooked.

Anyway, I hope you will all make her welcome. But watch your fingers!

Here is Olivia guarding the Staple Graveyard

That's pretty much all I've been up to. Well, that and taking pictures with my new camera. It's pretty cool. I take a lot of pictures of myself because I am self-absorbed, so I will show you them later.

Bad Hair Day: The Photoessay

I'm being lazy lately on the writing front, so here's another photoessay. This one's name I call "Bad Hair Day 101." It is 12 steps for how to create a bad hair day and feel stupid all day until your coworker says "Oh your hair looks good today" and then you feel ok for 5 minutes until you see a mirror and realize she's just crazy.

Incidentally, I also really like the second picture down.

Moral of the photostory: If you can't look good, smell ok.

Here's a picture of my cat.

Trix

hey, boy
let's get surreal

this Cap'n Crunch wants a piece
of your pirate booty

i'll jam it in
shred your wheat
and tickle your fruity pebble
til I cherrio-oh-OH!

then i'll reach around
loop your froot
and apple jack til you honey nut

Yelp Party Photos (5)

Here are pictures from the Yelp.com Elite event at 49 Grove, which was the first event I took the new boy to, but he hates all the pictures of him from the night, so I'm going to keep them off here except they're on my Flickr. I'm just gonna post one of him. This is the world's shortest photo essay. It starts with this great picture of me and a friend of mine and has the same ending as Cloverfield.

Yeah, we wear fucking nametags WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT!?!

Here is our host who wears a nametag too.

Here is the sexy new boy about to catch some bugs.

Ok that's all the pictures I'm gonna show because you probably don't give a shit anyway. I gotta shower.

GODZILLA ATTACKS TOKYO!!@!#!!!!21

So I took a break from video game coma to go to an actual social event last night, from which I am totes hungover and cursing my miserable existence at this desk. I'll tell you about the party later when I can put up SEXY PICTURES OF THE ARCHITECT but right now they're stuck on my camera.

Oh, wait, I gotta go bye!

The Boy with the Camel Coat

I was standing on the platform today waiting for the subway when I realized something I haven't had occasion to think.... ever. I was part of an in crowd!

Ok, maybe "realize" is the wrong word and I should be saying "made up something I haven't had occasion to think because it's really not true" but go away. Anyway, I realized that my car is the most attractive subway car on the 6 line.

Ok, it started because for the second time in a row, someone I saw by my apartment and thought "She is fashionable" ended up 10 minutes later near where I always wait for the train, on the far south end of the platform. I noticed this particular woman because she had one of those scarves that's made of a bunch of fuzzy balls all strung together like a necklace of slaughtered tribbles. I like those.

Anyway, I noticed how there are always attractive people around me during my morning commute because we are the South Car Popular Clique! It's just like high school again, only I'm not in the band. There was even this Asian nerd who tried to be part of us and even push on before this pretty girl but everyone was all "Uh-UH, not EVEN" and he got shoved into a corner to play with his electronics.

So, on the train I naturally had someone to look at: a brooding, punk rock boy with dark hair and a hoodie. He was a welcome addition to the group, if not your typical UES fare, but he soon sat down out of my line of sight, so I had to start daydreaming about my REAL south car lust object, the Boy in the Camel Coat.

The Boy in the Camel Coat is a Type B professional (my favorite, btw) with perfect skin, large features, and thick, dark hair. He always looks really put together, and he keeps to himself. I know everyone on the subway keeps to themselves, but he has a quality of more to-himselfness that I like. He is shy, and I can't tell if he likes girls or boys, but it is probably girls. I look at him a lot because he appeals to me on many levels.

I'm seeing somebody right now (The Architect; more on that and a better blog-nickname later) and one morning last week or the week before he slept over and we went to the subway together and I dragged him all the way down to the south car because I refuse to ride any other and the Boy in the Camel Coat was there and I was ripped in half by having to split my attention! Obvs I like my boy on MORE levels than the Boy in the Camel Coat, but they are different levels and I didn't want the Boy in the Camel Coat to think I didn't love him anymore because my love will never die and also I wanted to tell The Architect to look at the Boy in the Camel Coat so we could enjoy him together, but I couldn't do that without the Boy in the Camel Coat hearing me so it was the WORST!

Every now and then I want to follow the Boy in the Camel Coat when he transfers to the 4/5 at Grand Central, but I have been told that is weird and counts as stalking. I'm pretty sure taking a picture of him on the train would be weird too, so I'm too scared to do it, but if I ever get up the courage, I'll be sure to show you all. For now, I'll keep this entry unadorned in honor of his ellusive appeal.

Oh wait, this guy too.

Eat your heart out, Xtube!

Here I am!

Anyway my coworker on maternity leave came in Monday and gave my other coworker two big boxes of those Luna Bars "nutrition bars for women" that I call Breast Bars because I'm convinced if I eat enough, they'll make me grow breasts and that's what I'm trying to do. They're really gross.

Thanks, princess_of_llyr!

We have Cookies 'n Cream and Chai Tea flavors. Why a company would make a nutrition bar chai-flavored is something you can figure out on your own. All I know is that it tastes nothing like chai and everything like nothing.

I'm pretty sure Clif Bars are Luna Bars for men, but they can't say that because you know how women get when men try to have something of their own.

Clif Bars are disgusting too. Cardboard isn't supposed to have such an afterdistastefulness, and it makes me mad because I'm determined to get through those Luna Bars if it kills me. GYAH! Ok, I just wanted to get that off my chest... y'know, to make room for the breasts.

What else can we talk about? Oh I know! I was sick on Monday so I stayed home all day playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I know it's been a while since I've mentioned it on here, but I'm pretty much a total loser. Anyway I'm the best at that game there ever was except my friend Kev who kicks my ass a lot when we play online.

Yes. I now play video games with people online but you can't make TOO much fun of me because I'm not ruining my marriage by masquerading as a brooding half-elf druid for 18 hours a day and flirting with fat 14-year-old boys because they chose a female avatar. And I don't play fucking Second Life either.

When you play SSBB online you can write your own taunts, which is pretty fun. There's something of a dirty thrill in making Princess Toadstool dance around yelling "Touch my butt!"

Isn't it great that I can disappear from the Internet for over a week and the entire update consists of "I played video games and ate girl food"? Oh, and I didn't get hit on again unless you count this guy in my DREAMS:

I Got Hit On (Hopefully a more regular segment)

I just got hit on at Starbucks because I am a sexy Adonis-breath and you are not.

He was alright looking, but I was more alright looking and he knew it and I could tell he was staring while we were waiting for our drinks, and he was kind of inching over and building up courage. It was totally adorable in a zero self-confidence, odd shoes kinda way. He finally leaned over and said "Why is it that we're the only people who have ordered drinks in the last 5 minutes, yet they're making stuff that's not ours and it just sitting there?"

From Flickr.

Typical flirting technique: Stock Conversations. Whining about service at Starbucks counts as stock because it requies absolutely no wit to observe. It's as creative as putting clip art on a homemade birthday card and just as effective, but I gave this guy a pass on account of being on a timeframe and because I hadn't given him any eye contact beyond the initial 'Oh You Like Me So I Will Smile So You Keep Looking Because I Feel Fat Today' glance.

Anyway, I was all "I think it's part of the Starbucks Experience" and he was all "Huh huh, yeah." And then he said "I don't mean to be impertinent--" (then don't say anything impertinent) "--but I was noticing that those pants look really good on you.'

Then it was my turn to be Awkward Loser Boy because I said "Yeah. Thanks. They're jeans."

Yeah, great. They're jeans. Stupid. But it was hard! Usually I return a compliment with a compliment, but I couldn't think of anything to say! I didn't like any of his clothes. Plaid! What do you want? Nice 5-o'clock shadow?

But whatever my drink came and I said "Oh, yippie, I beat you!" and then I took it and left with a "See ya!" which translated to "Haha, you didn't move fast enough to give me your number which is fine because I didn't want it bye!"

Getting hit on in public is my favorite thing even if it's from people I'm not remotely into like today. It's well-lit, nobody's drunk, people usually aren't trolling the Starbucks line in a horny way.... You're able to say "Someone finds me attractve" without any of that second-guessing that comes from being in a bar. So I don't feel fat anymore. I feel pretty.

Anyway, I'm going back tomorrow at the same time and maybe my Starbucks will be free!

More Food Talk

Oh my God I'm starving like a lonely baby right now! Thanks a lot, Fat Sunday, you put the devil back inside and now I will binge eat all night until I run out of food at home and then I will binge eat cat food! Nom nom nom I get spacy and stupid when I get hungry I feel like a lolcat right now.

I can has feedbag?!?

Ok in way other news I watched Super Size Me for the first time last week, and am I the only one who was NOT blown away by the results of his experiment? Like ok, he threw up one time which was totally weird because I've eaten more McD's than that in one sitting and been fine, right, but then he gained a few pounds, which is all OBVIOUSLY and BIG DEAL and the liver thing was pretty bizarre, but who says that's a symptom across the board? Pretty much all he did was whine about how tired and impotent he was, but everyone already knows that gross food does that to you.

Seduction

Basically people who eat that crap every day aren't going to change because either a) they don't feel like that so why would they or b) they do feel like that but clearly they haven't stopped eating it yet so why would somebody saying "You feel gross" make them?

There was nothing new to learn for the rest of us who are smart enough to know that McDonald's is only A Sometimes Food.

To conclude, the doc was entertaining but the guy was kinda whiny (but in a funny way, so I liked him) and stretching for stuff to complain about so basically all the movie did was make me hungry for a Big Mac so I ate one.

Moo and Oink

Yesterday I performed an experiment in excess. I chose a sin (one of the seven) and embodied it to the fullest extent imaginable. The sin: Sloth. The embodiment: Bloblike.

I woke up at 9:30 with a splitting headache that I pretty much owe to David Bowie. After an hour of laying in bed pretending the world didn't exist (an art I perfected on Saturday when I spent about six waking hours cuddled up in a bed), I got up and walked a full 9 steps to my couch, dragging my comforter behind me like that Peanuts kid who always drags his filthy blanket around.

When I finally arrived huffing and puffing to the internet couch, I looked at my little Google calendar and saw NOTHING! This was me:

Thanks, nataliedee.com!

So I indulged in my favorite pasttime ever: playing the Sims and watching Charmed for 12 straight hours. It's really exhausting and a great workout. You can tell because at 10:30 that night I was exhausted and went to bed and today I woke up totally sore in my right leg and along my right oblique from all the work I had to do grabbing the remote to skip the title sequences. What with selecting episodes and occasionally switching discs, I may have burned as many as 20 calories! Eat your heart out, South Beach Diet!

Speaking of calories, clearly I could not prepare food on a day such as this so I ordered in an omelette with ham on the side in the morning and a huge bowl of chicken curry with rice in the evening and I ate everything on the couch and got rice all over me. This was me:

Thanks again, nataliedee.com!

In conclusion, my couch has a butt dent the size of Alaska and pretty soon I'll be washing myself with a rag on a stick.

Watch this!

Yeah. I never blog anymore. STFUnGOI. Shut the fuck up and get over it.

I gotta go, but you have to watch this, the best movie death of all time. Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea from 1999:

I ganked it from NY Mag, but they kinda ruin it by telling you what happens before it happens.

Ok have a good weekend.

Daily Curios: It's Raining Out Edition

I hate everything about the fact that it's raining right now because I just agreed to go out later and now I'm stuck going out in the RAIN so everyone can S my D because I'm mad.

And now I'm over it. Anyway, look at this stuff. It has nothing to do with rain, but one of them got me wet.

Blah blah blah this paragraph is just filler so I can get the YouTube video far enough down that it doesn't clash with the photo because my blog is shitty and I don't know anything about formatting.

Boasas on disgusting babies.

I don't know how to embed this, so go to Ze Frank and watch the cast of Spongebob do classic movies.

Since old crushes never die and I am still 16 inside, I'm still in love with David Boreanaz who gets all nakedish in some shitty movie nobody saw.

I know you all saw the Oscars already, but I found this Best Actress adorable:

Flying the Bitchy Skies

Too Pretty to Fly?

Yeah, the hell you are. First of all, people don't discriminate against pretty people. More importantly, neither of you is pretty. That kinda throws your whole theory out the window. Twice.

But ok, girls, maybe you have a valid discrimination case here. Maybe they hate white people. Maybe they discriminate against sub-literate bitches with an entitlement complex. MAYBE they discriminate against disfiguring chin growths that eat your face for dinner and second chin for dessert!

I love how they're only giving half the story. It's so obvious they're hiding all the cunty things they did in the interest of looking good on the news. What these two -- and I laughingly use the term -- "ladies" did, in my professional opinion, was act all jappy and then get mad when people didn't give enough of a shit about them.

Thank you cnn.com this is good news coverage A+.

Celebrity Hard-On: February 2008

On the right...

Hey does anybody remember when Hanson was popular? Yeah, it was about the same time Joey Fatone was attractive, so just shy of never. Sadly, with a series of not-quite-hits and a fandom that does not age along with them, one of Hanson's late-blooming but only assets has developed silently beneath the radar.

That asset is the Hotness of Taylor Hanson.

The first person to whom I confessed this secret lusting (my friend Sam) thought I was crazy and that Taylor Hanson is going the way of Donald Trump. Yes, with the sexy blonde (real) hair, angular features, smooth skin and fuck-me eyes, Donald Trump really does have a simliar appeal to the middle Hanson kid. :-\ Seriously, if anyone can see the resemblance, PLZ speak up.

... left...

For the rest of us, I suggest we sit back and gaze upon Taylor's dirty-ish sexiness. It's the kind of sexiness that would make out with you at the back of an indie rock concert or squeeze your knee while having boring shop conversations with fellow musicians to remind you he knows you're there and will have lots of sex with you later to make up for ignoring you now. It's hot without having that Fruity Microbrew look that's just so awful.

Try to forget that he's been married for a while and has like 19 children already. It ruins the image, but not too much because fatherhood is sexy. Fact. I can prove it: a) it means a man is virile, and b) pregnancy doesn't make men fat. It only makes women fat.

The major drawback to Taylor Hanson is that he's so often pictured with his brothers, Horseyface and the Fat Kid. I'm gonna suggest you crop them in Photoshop or draw smileys over the faces in MS Paint before adding those shots to your little folder of hot guy pics I know you all have on your computers.

I know Taylor Hanson may not be everybody's first choice for a celebrity bone, but you can't deny that he gives you a tiny bit of that down-low tickle. Am I wrong?

... and center.

Daily Curios: Absentee Father Edition

Ok ok, so the whole motivational fibrous post-regularly thing didn't pan out. But Q: Who's crying over my absence? A: Nobody.

To update, I saw like 3 concerts and met someone neat and mostly sat in my apartment eating candy and cookies and giant cheeseburgers, which coincidentally, is what I plan on doing this evening.

I am Codename: Loser. Look at this stuff:

Stuff White People Like

White Ninja made me snort at work.

Twice.

Business Time

20 Products Guaranteed to Anger God

Colin: Would you eat a chocolate cruficix?
Me: Yes.
Colin: Me too.

And lastly: Stuffed Animals Inside-Out (Link ganked from Ze Frank)

Daily Curios

David Garrett

It's raining out, so no proper blog entry today. This is all you get.

Rain stifles creativity. Everyone knows that. It also makes everything gray and wet and drowns things. This is my mood. The only thing that'll perk me up right now is cookies. I want cookies.

Perhaps some potato chips.

---------

For the nerds: This guy does awesome video game video reviews. Today's is on Sim City Societies but they're all awesome.

Violinist trips and destroys priceless Strad. Story sad because he's so hot otherwise nobody would care.

The sexy librarian image in a futile attempt to be debunked.

Source

Here's another picture of David Garrett before you go:

Daily Curios

Overcompensating on Scientology Protests.

Chris has got me beat. (He calls me Uma.)

Greg Johnson hates Perez Hilton and that other asshole.

Valentine's Day Cards from: The GOP :: Diesel Sweeties

Ooh and this flashlight makes scambled eggs!

oh and NO FUCKING POETRY!

How to Have a Not Shitty Blog

I'm the authority on having a not shitty blog because I have a shitty blog and know just how it's done. Rules:

1. Nobody gives a shit what you ate for breakfast or what song you're listening to or any of that livejournal crap. Unless you saw Mary in your cornflakes or built a really cool Cheerios empire WITH PICS save it for the old folks home.
2. Do you use your blog to complain about the same problems that you can't fix because you're emotionally inept? The internet is not your shrink or your diary or your mom.
3. Don't post porn. It's 2008 and unless we are 12, we already know where to go to see all the free porn that we want so don't post pictures of your stolen porn because you probably only like boring stuff like half the porn-posters do. If you have a porn blog you get a pass.
4. Don't post artistic porn EVER EVER. First of all, going on about how pornography is art and the beauty of the human body isn't original and it doesn't make you edgy like your overexposed myspace pictures of your eye do. Most of it sucks, and we don't want to see lame colorized shots of shaved plastic statues staring into middle distance like they got punched between the eyes.
5. Are you posting about how good your haircut looks? No it doesn't.
6. Don't write about politics if you're an idiot.
7. Kev says: Don't talk about your boyfriend, nobody loves him but you.
8. If you MUST talk about your boyfriend, don't refer to him as your "sweet cookie face" or I will come to your house when you are sleeping and barf on your pillow and eat live scorpions beforehand.
9. Are you writing something only your friends will understand? Do only your friends read your blog? Do you spend all your time making awards in MS Paint and cycling them around the same 10 people? You don't need to blog, you need to go to the mall.
10. Do you link to me? Good, that makes you have a good blog.
11. Are you posting over and over about the tricks you bring home and how you keep in touch but OOH FEELINGS and it's SO DEEP and now you don't talk anymore and the same thing cycles every weekend? That's SO interesting, but next time, try sleeping with someone with more than three chest hairs and remember not to blog about it.
12. Do you use your blog to snark back at people who leave you bad YouTube comments on your crappy videos? Good, keep it up, you are funny.
13. If your blog is very sad, remember to make it red and black and have lots of pictures of fairies with torn wings.
14. If what you're posting has been posted on a gazillion other blogs already post it anyway but don't act like you're original and made up the ideas yourself.
15. Kev also says: Oh add pictures to all your entries and don't use too many words because no one likes to read. [I don't follow this rule but I have a shitty blog so it's ok.]
16. Last, if all you can think of to do is post camera phone pictures of yourself and your sunglasses and hats collection, don't think we're impressed by your style and you look like a bug.

If reading these rules made you out of ideas for what to write, you have a shitty blog and you can be in the club. I'm president.

One Bird, Many Stones

Ugh YOU GUYS I'm in a shitty mood now because I just watched this movie that makes me upset.

Ok, so I was 14, right, and I caught the middle of this movie on TV where this woman totally gets stoned to death by her family and neighbors as part of some stupid yearly tradition, and it really bothered me. The image stuck with me for years of this poor woman in her ugly blue dress and her poor pretty daughter in her ugly green dress and it would make me sad every time I thought of it.

But I sorta forgot about it eventually, y'know, but a couple weeks ago at work it came up in conversation and I just had to Netflix the movie to torture myself and relive this horrible upsetting memory.

Felicity? Topanga.

You've probably guessed already that it's a movie adaptation of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" starring Keri Russell as the girl in the ugly green dress. Anyway, I just watched it and it UNSURPRISINGLY bought back all those horrible feelings.

But what made it even worse this time is that it's a SHITTY TV MOVIE like beyond normal shitty TV movie quality. Luckily it stars this ABSOLUTELY DREAMBOAT SEX MAN (who's ugly now, so I'm not posting a link) so that made it a little less boring. It also starred Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World as the preacher. "No Mr. Matthews, you cannot pour your father's ashes on your mother's grave!"

The point is it's one thing to get sentimental over disturbing images in a compelling film, but it's another to weep over some shitstorm of a TV movie. C'mon, me, Lifetime Original much?

Then I tortured myself more by listening to the original story afterwards, which is just like the movie except of ACTUAL quality. Luckily the little commercial at the end of the recording completely destroyed any effect the poignant ending may have had.

I forgot where I was going with this. In conclusion, try not to have feelings.

Daily Curios

America eats some real disgusting stuff.

Tuscaloosa Cookie Man is Kinda Cute

Remember the Vegetable Orchestra? This one's out of car parts.

Epic Fail Guy -- Can someone explain this to me?

Grinding Away at the Ol' Factory

It smells like feet in my office today, and I'm such a dork that the only jokes I can think of about that involve Kimmie Gibbler. Q: How many Kimmie Gibblers does it take to make my office smell like a foot? A: One.

Anyway, winter's finally arrived. You can tell because the city has transformed into a network of intersecting wind tunnels thrashing and destroying the only Good Hair Day I've had in 2 weeks. Negative points for timing because today I was supposed to show off my haircut to Coworker Liz, but she approved anyway, which is important. My life is so interesting, aren't you glad I'm blogging more?

She Ain't What She Used To Be

I went to the salon today. Got my hair trimmed.

For a few days I've been toying with the idea of ceasing to dye my hair. I haven't had it natural in a while. Well that went all to shit when Agnes told me I'm fucking GREYING!!!

Fabulous. Fucking fabulous. She said I have a lot more grey hair on the sides than I did last time I was in. I have some pretty significant roots, that's how she can tell.

Stupid asshole adoption agency couldn't let me know I'd be getting grey hair at 25!! ENOUGH GREY HAIR, IN FACT, THAT MY STYLIST COULD TELL THROUGH A DYE JOB!

Well sure enough I went home and looked and found them and was ready to die. So that's it for me. I might as well get fat and develop some sort of Delta Burke OCD packrat disorder. I have plenty of time to slip into senility now that I won't need to bother having sex or a social life for the next 25 years until everyone I know starts catching up to me in the aging process.

If you need me, I'm checking into the fogie home. I'll be sure to hold up a sign so you can tell me apart from all the other withering inmates because God knows there's no further way to tell us apart.

Daily Curios

Deb on the Web showcases her son's Innocent Cow Car (below).

Cow Car w/ Cute British Owner

First, guy gets his shit stolen. (Link ganked from Kev.) Then, guy takes shit from strangers in typical YouTube fashion. Last, guy sets shit-taken to music

Something I did: In response to this, I helped my friend (Kev again) travel the world and take pictures of him by monuments with his mouth agape: Agape Slideshow

Maryland's Governor O'Malley supports Hillary Clinton, so fuck you!!!!! (Photo courtesy The Baltimore Sun.)

Shakespeare invented the eyeball. Or at least, the "eyeball."

Lent Ills

SO, Lent, right? Lent came early this year, made more apparent by the fact that New York has had no snow worth mentioning and only a couple of really cold days, so it feels like winter's not even underway and everyone should be putting up Christmas trees. On Wednesday otherwise normal people we walking around the city with crap on their heads, apparently as an act of repentance. Granted this is no more retarded than the Jews' tradition of throwing rocks into the water, but isn't repentance supposed to be, y'know... repentant? Flogging, apology letters, and emo self-mutilation are repentant. Putting dirt on your face is just dirty.

I like the idea of Lent because I'm amused by the fact that people believe some omnipotent being creator of the universe type is going to give a rat's shit if they stop eating sweets for a month. Yeah, I know it's to signify Jesus' life in the desert when he resisted the temptations of Satan for 40 days, but what I want to know is what temptation was there in the first place? It's a freaking desert. Other than feverish masturbation, there aren't a whole lot of sins to commit, and after a couple days in the sun, I'm pretty sure one's desire to wank is automatically quelled by heavy sunburn and dehydration.

And seriously, if you're going to emulate Jesus' restraint, then you should resist the ENTIRE lure of Satan. I love that the people who say "I'm giving up salty things!" or "I'll stop having sex!" will still commit every other sin to which they are accustomed and continue to curse out people on the subway and smack their wives and stuff. You can't be like Jesus, ok? Quit pretending.

I did Lent one year. When I announced this, everyone was all "OMGWTF, you're a Jew" but they didn't understand that I had this all worked out. For Lent, I gave up Judaism!

It was pretty easy. About as easy as my friend who gave up cake but not frosting. I half-assedly tried to curb my Yiddish exclamations, which were spare in the first place, and I didn't light a single Hannukkah candle. I didn't feel much closer to God in the end, but as a post-modern experiment, I think it went fairly well. (I can't define post-modernism, so don't bitch at me if I'm misusing the term because I don't care.)

But I still hold that giving up personal sins for Lent is largely pretty lame. So many pious traditions are so self-involved. So instead, I want to encourage people to instead observe the "charity" portion of Lent that seems to get left out most of the conversations. Charity's hard because it's money, but there are other ways to put something into the world. Make something!

That's what I'm doing. Yeah, so I've decided to to Lent again, only this time, I'm not giving up anything (except perhaps eating an entire bag of Oreos like last night.) This year, I'm going to try and make something every day for 40 days even if it's really stupid and pathetic.

Yesterday, I made a slideshow so my friend could see the world. (I'm linking to it in another entry, so hold you horses.) Wednesday was before I had this great idea, so I didn't make anything that day. Unless you count how I made fun of that guy whose ash smudge looked like a smiley face.

Anyway, I'll probably fail because everybody fails at Lent, but at least I don't really think God's paying attention to me.

What are you guys doing for Lent?

Asian Beauty is a Phone Call Away

Good morning! Here's TV's Asian Nancy Kwan with some Friday morning beauty secrets:

in the what? : February 2007

I was looking back at my blog archives this morning, and I realized that I used to write a hell of a lot more. I'd have these entries with actual words and more than one of them a week even. It was this GOLDEN AGE.

So new goal: do that again. But not right now. Instead, let's take a trip back.

February 2007 Archives

Went on a date with a hot Icelander but was too culturally retarded.

I am Britney Spears with a cat

Chinese people are crazy

Asshole cab experience makes me hate brown people.

Will you be my Valentine?

Crash, Burn

I have a curse. Did you know? A real one. From a witch.

The witch in question is whatever ex-boyfriend I feel like blaming when the curse takes effect. The curse itself is that one time and only one time every winter, I will slip and fall spectacularly, injuring my tailbone and my pride in the process. EVERY WINTER! But just once!

This is me.

Last year, I was lucky because I slipped outside of the laundry room early on a Saturday, and nobody was around. Two years before that was the worst one emotionally because it happened when I had been looking for a parking space for 30 minutes and was already running late for my interview with the Indiana University musicology department. I was walking with serious purpose down the road in my new overcoat and cute outfit when I hit a patch of black ice and my legs FLEW into the air like a cartoon character! I landed flat on my back in SO much pain and SOAKED. So I entered my interview totally pissed off, which was only made worse because my first interviewer was a dickbag. Whatever, I got in the program anyway, which goes to show that I'm smarter than a sore ass.

Anyway, you may have guessed that this season's humiliating crash came today in a season I thought was safe because we have had NO ICE OR SNOW SO FAR! Turns out all I need is drizzle and a staircase.

Yes, a staircase. I fell down the stairs on the way to the subway this morning. Don't worry, I didn't tumble and break all my bones. It was more like the IU Interview Day fall where my legs flew out in front of me (WAAUGHH!) and I landed on my ass on the stairs... and slid down the last five. And cut my hand.

The woman behind me was really nice and made sure I was alright even though the fall made my umbrella open at her and she could have easily killed herself too. Another woman asked "Are you ok?" but walked by without waiting for an answer. I love that unique brand of New York compassion. Anyway, now my ass hurts again.

The worst part about a bruised tailbone is that it's impossible to sit comfortably. I've been shifting in my chair like I have hemorrhoids all day. Worse still, I have shoe crap all over my butt. At least I'm wearing ugly clothes today.

I choose to blame the Witch Ben, even though he's not a proper ex. He never called me back, so gets to be the asshole. I HOPE YOU BURN LIKE MY ASS!

Kenya

Kenyan death toll reaches 1,000

With a headline like that, don't you think they'd want a picture of someone who looks just a little bit sad? Not someone joyfully proclaiming: "I went shopping!"

**UPDATE 2/6/08** CNN went and changed the headline and article after I linked to it. They're annoying, I'm not dumb. Ok.

Welcome Class of 2022!

After all my effort to provide sub-quality entertainment to the lowest common denominator, I am proud to announce the following:

Booyah, grandma! Doing my part to keep America illiterate!

Of Monsters and Monkeys

Everyone's talking about Cloverfield, which I suppose is the blockbuster movie event of January, that month when all the good monster movies come out. I, on the other hand, have zero desire to see the film, not least because I find cryptic, viral marketing not only ineffective, but annoying.

For the past couple of months, I'd walk off the 6 train coming home from work and come face to face with a giant poster depicting lower Manhattan, a dessimated Statue of Liberty and a URL: http://www.cloverfieldmovie.com.

"Oh, monster movie, huh?"

Unfortunately, since "Cloverfield" is such a shit name, by the time I would walk 5 blocks to my apartment, I'd forget it. The conclusions I had to draw were:

• This movie thinks that broken Statue of Liberty imagery is somehow still original.
• New York turns green when threatened
• They REALLY want me to care what this is about, and I don't.

Then I found out it was all filmed on a handheld camera, which is pretty stupid, plot-wise. If you're my friend and we're running from a giant monster, you try and film the event and I'm gonna throw you in the monster's path. There's a time and a place for your stupid hipster artistic bullshit. Armaggedon is not that time. So basically, Blair Monster Project is not high on my list of must-sees.

Alarmingly, this movie is doing well. I don't mean to say that it shouldn't, as I'm sure it's entertaining if you're into that kind of thing. What's scary is that after Blair Witch, this is the second hand-held camera movie that's doing well in the box office, and we all know Hollywood's track history. In the words of Breathless Mahoney from my favorite movie of all time:

One is fun, why not two?
And if you like two, you might as well have four,
And if you like four, why not a few, why not a slew more?!

So get ready to barf into your $7 popcorn buckets because I bet we're gonna have a whole load of these things coming our way.

I, for one, will be staying at home watching things like Gorillas in the Mist, which is about as monster movie as I like to get. I watched it last night. Rampaging gorillas are funny, but I was grossed out by how attached Sigourney Weaver got to the monkeys:

Like this, only lesbian

Basically, any sort of movie with animatronic apes in it is fine by me. Animatronic apes working a handheld camera trying to document some horrible disaster, though, I dunno. Moving up and down at a steady pace from one perspective for an hour and a half doesn't scream epic to me.

Celebrity Decomposition Watch

Chris, whose blog I stalk, mentioned that horrible deaths happen in threes.

Brad "Huck" Renfro, teen dreamboat who, when I was 13 or so, made more than just my heart throb, and Heath Ledger, who didn't need to star in a movie for me to imagine him screwing Jake Gyllenhaal, both died needlessly this month. Chris asks "who's next?" but my question is more specific: Which masturbatory fantasy is next to be rendered flaccid with images of decomposing, drug-wasted faces and guilt pangs about disrespecting the dead?

I'm running out of ammo here! ... wait wow no, let me rephrase that. I'm running out of fodder here!

Ryan Gosling

Listen up, God! I've decided to believe in you for a few minutes so I can something off my chest. You didn't make up ALL the rules, and you seem to have forgotten some. For one, the young and the pretty do not die suddenly of drug overdoses. If that's gonna happen, it has to happen slowly like with Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amy Winehouse. We want slow decay and a media circus long enough so that we're no longer attracted to the victim and are happy to be able to talk about something else. Thanks. Ok, go back to what You were doing; I'm gonna forget about You again.

Anyway, it is with a heavy heart that I announce my candidates for the next Hot Celebrity Drug Overdose:

Eric Bana

Ryan Gosling -- I admit he looked a little better when he was younger, but he's still pretty, he's a good actor, and his "Young Hercules" was sort of a bridge between Renfro in my youth and Ledger in my young adulthood, not to mention that the show is in the same box as Ledger's "Roar." If you haven't seen Young Hercules, then... well that's really ok. Anyway, for me he has too much in common with the two who already ate it. HIGH RISK

Johnny Depp -- It would be SO LIKE this asshole world to take my man from me. He's too talented, too hot, and too smart. SUPER HIGH RISK

Eric Bana -- Eric is my current Sexiest Man Alive, and thanks to a new friend, I have an entire folder of pictures of him on my desktop. For the record, I prefer him "with beard" but when he shaves it, I'm ok with that too because my love transcends the physical. If he died, I'd kill myself, and that's probably why he's HIGHEST RISK

So say goodbye. There's another week and a day left until the end of January, which I've decided is the cutoff. I want to be proven wrong.

SAY NO TO DRUGS!

Saturday Morning CarTube: Hedgehog in the Fog

This is a Russian cartoon by Yuri Norstein called Hedgehog in the Fog. It's quite beautiful and a bit unsettling, and I think you should take 10 minutes to watch it and listen to the clarineterrific score that accompanies.

Something from the comments:

martijnkerk
Reply | Spam
I see myself in the hedhoge in the end with his friend bear is stil simple and doesn't think about all those bigger thinks.

Oh please. He's from the Netherlands, so this isn't a comment on his crap English, but 90% of people who claim they're more insightful and thoughtful than everyone around them are completely deluded. You should get to know your friends better, martijnkerk.

Also, the part where the hedgehog lost his satchel reminded me of last night when I LOST MY iPOD AND BRAND NEW EXPENSIVE EARPHONES so you can all deposit your sympathy in the comments.

Potty Humor

Check out this e-mail I just got at work:

During the recent maintenance of the 2nd floor staff lavatories, which have been experiencing back ups, facilities removed several items such as: a library I.D. card, plastic utensils, fruit(lemons, limes) and a pair of beige panty hose from a toilet in the south staff lavatory. In order to provide continuous service, please refrain from depositing anything other than material for which the toilets are intended.

This has served to confirm my theory that librarians are insane, socially retarded, and unfit to live in civilized society. They flush fruit down the toilet. Don't you love it?

The Lake of Innisfree

Though not in the vapid style of the rest of this blog, I want to share a video I found this morning. It's William Butler Yeats and "The Lake of Innisfree". This guy on YouTube made a bunch of videos with old recordings, many of poetry readings. Not all of them work, but this one's pretty mesmerizing.

I wish the mouth weren't moving because it looks ridiculous, but if you just listen to it, it captures... something.

Fundie Quotes

I found a site with quotes from some of the more idiotic fundamentalist Christians talking on Internet forums. These are hilarious. But mostly creepy

Here's my favorite from the first bunch:

"I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!"

Fundie Quotes