Brief Confession
Last night I got drunk. Really drunk, and I didn't even notice. Oops.
Today when I woke up, there were 7 Disney movies in VHS format on my kitchen table. I have no idea where they came from.
Oops, I tripped and fell on the keyboard and it wrote a drunk post
Wow, I'm never allowed to drink again. At least I can spell and type ok when I'm under the influence, though the period key seems to elude me. And the shut the fuck up key.
Goodbye, new readers. To everyone who hates me now: You're not stupid for being on a list at a club, I was just shooting my mouth off because one kid in line last night was a dickhead asshole who thought the world owed him and also because I'm secretly jealous that I'll never be on a list in my life because I'm unpopular and sit at home alone Friday nights watching vampire movies.
I'm also reading a vampire book right now called You Suck and my favorite thing to do is read it on the subway and look like I'm deliberately pointing the cover at someone with no self-esteem so they get paranoid. I don't think this is something A-list people do.
What I am not apologizing for is boasting about how hot I looked last night because you don't even know.
I am cool
OMG drunk post let's go HEY!
This is mostly a public service announcement. If your name is Gay Guy In New York, I'm going to advise that you never to go to a place called....ummm... Regal..... Rectum.... Rancid...... Rebel! It's called Rebel. Ok, don't ever go there because first they tell you it's $10 to get in, and you're like Fine, I have exactly $10 in my wallet and then they make you empty your pockets and they search you for drugs and bombs and finger your anus and it's totally invasive and the guy doing it isn't even cute and then they say Oh it's $15 so you have to ask the guy next to you to help you get in but it's ok because he invites you to his Oscar party and so you win but whatever still it's embarassing and then when you get in it totally sucks anyway and you're like "I wish they hadn't anal searched me because I'd really like to use that bomb I was carting around right about now" but you can't and then that guy with the really sexy long hair disappears into nowhere so there's nobody left to make eyes at and then all you want to do is get a beer but it's like $8 so fuck that and in conclusion gay people suck and the only reason there are lists at bars like this is because it makes stupid gay fag boys feel like they're important even though they can't even put a sentence together when you're like totally using words like miasma and paradigm and loquatious and versimilitude because you wish you were a famous writer even though you're not...
And oh my god, I wish you could have seen me tonight because I looked totally hot, like ok let's assume for the sake of argument that you thought I was hot and sexy and you were in love with me before, good, so you don't even know because I changed my hair and yesterday at work was a failed experiment but today it was so totally sexy and if you loved me before, you would probably shit yourself over how hot I looked tonight with my new hair even though it was kinda Happy New Year 1997 I don't care and I was wearing this cute shirt I bought in January with my sexy jeans and all these people were all "I may be 50 but let's totally do it" and I was like "As if" but then people were like "I may be 26 and hot let's totally do it" and I was like "Thanks, but no thanks" so tonight I ruled and you drooled, sorry that's just the way it is.
To conclude I've been drinking for 10 hours and I'm going to an Oscar party with some kid I took money from who I think might be Jewish but it doesn't matter I will probably forget he existed tomorrow my night was funner than yours k thx bie!
Kid's Tip
Since you're all keeping notes, I have something to add to your lists of "Things Never To Do Drunk At 6 a.m." Right after the entry for "Tell your ex-boyfriend you still love him" please write "Feed the cat." When I woke up Saturday morning, my entire kitchen was filled with crunchy cat food, half of which was smashed and stepped on. I didn't even know that much food came in a box, but it was seriously up to my waist.
Luckily my cat is gross and diseased and hates her bowl so she ate the stuff off the floor first before continuing her habit of pushing the food out of her bowl onto the floor. She hates her water bowl too, so I have to keep the toilet open or she'll turn to dust.
My cat is a pestilence.
Oh, and don't order a gigantic rare hamburger with bacon and avocado and extra mayo at 5 a.m. because you probably don't need the calories and your stomach will feel funny the next day unless of course it's because you ate some of the cat food and can't remember. That's the kind of mystery that doesn't make you more sexy.