Two-Thousand and Eleventeen

Ok the thing about December is that it sucked. With the exception of Christmas and New Year's Eve, I was in a bad mood approx. 97% of the time. It is with this in mind that I make the sappy admission that the nascent new year actually feels like a clean slate for once.

I've always found it strange that people base their ideological renewal on the period of rotation of a giant rock in infinite blackness, but this time around I'm jumping on that dizzying bandwagon and saying "Huzzah for 2011!" Therefore, let us look back on 2010 and examine my accomplishments (snort). Then I will tell you my two REAL resolutions as opposed to the bullshit ones I do every year.

My accomplishments in 2010 are varied and numerous. They include such monumental feats as "continuing to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide using a complex scientific process most of you don't fully understand" as well as "playing Final Fantasy XIII for 20 hours without killing myself." I'm also quite proud of "having a better attitude than most of my coworkers about my office moving to a shitty neighborhood" and "gaining 5-6 pounds, thereby slightly throwing the earth off its orbit and contributing to climate change and the eventual 2012 disaster that sources say only John Cusack will survive."

But my most astonishing feat of 2011 was definitely "maintaining a romantic relationship for three months (and counting!) without losing interest at a decisive moment a month and a half in and waiting for the relationship to disintegrate on its own." That'll be with Wine Store Guy a.k.a. C.C. Babcock a.k.a. Fafner a.k.a. whatever other nickname I might have used. (They are all the same person. This has been confusing to some people.) Anyway, he didn't know about the threat of sudden disinterestegration so don't tell him. It's past the point of no return for that to happen anyway, so all is well.

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Ok now it's time for everyone to care about my resolutions! I have two this year.

1. Make something every day -- This sounds ambitious, but it's not. Basically, I resolve to do something creative every day. So far, so good. On the 1st, I made a Happy New Year flip book that features Stick Man drinking, passing out from drinking and creating floating Z's, and then the Zs disappear and he dies from alcohol poisoning. I wish I had a scanner so I could make an animated gif for all to see. Then yesterday I came up with the concept for my performance of LoveGame in karaoke league this weekend. Today I am making the costume... or at least buying all the elements of the costume. You may call it lame that so far I have nothing to show for the 2nd and 3rd days of my resolution, but I declare that I spent a lot of time thinking, and that is creative enough and also your resolution to lose weight is boring and shitty.
2. Make New York big again -- I resolve to not sit at home so much is basically what this one says. There was a time when I was constantly out and about, but last year I stayed in my (admittedly comfortable and amenity-rich) apartment. But that's not what I live in New York for. So this year I've subscribed again to Time Out New York and Cory has subscribed to NY Mag, so the goal is more music and art and restaurants. Especially I would like to do free things as long as my BOYFRIEND shows up on time and not at the last possible second so there are no seats left for the Monteverdi Vespers performance.

So that's that. I hope fulfilling those two convictions will lead to a third unspoken resolution: I promise to blog more. This is a resolution that I make every month and it never happens, but if all goes well, I will tell you about all the cool free events I go to and all the shitty little art projects I do at home.

Happy 2011 everybody! Your resolution is "read my blog every day"!

Captain's Log Day 2: Still in my freaking pajamas.

Wow, guys, 2010. Whatever that means.

It's important to start off the year in a manner indicative of how you want the whole year to go. It was in this spirit that I spent yesterday watching the "New Year's Slay" Buffy the Vampire Slayer Marathon on Logo for 13 hours. Basically they played all of Season 2, so not only was I sitting and watching television for that long, but I was watching television I'd already seen 15 times before.

I also spent the time memorizing all the commercials they play on Logo. There are some new Progressive auto insurance ads up. I tend to like those. They also advertise this tacky, crystal cross necklace that has the Lord's Prayer written really tiny in the middle. It's the most garish thing I've ever seen, so it made SOME sort of sense following an ad for the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race, but I'm pretty sure the ad money would be better spent on the Gospel Music channel during one of their Sister Sister marathons or something. Dunno how many GAY VAMPIRE FANS are looking for the perfect gift for a first communion.

But the commercial I most looked forward to and dreaded was the finallyfast.com commercial that got played once an hour. They were running an extended version of the one I'm familiar with, right, so there were some extra characters I had never seen before. The one I hated was this teenage boy playing some really pathetic airplane video game who whines to his mom that "This internet connection is SO... SLOW!!!" And then finallyfast.com fixes his slow computer and he's so happy, and I hate seeing him happy because I hate seeing him. Here is him:

Don't you just want to punch his face? I KNOW!

Anyway, after he's gone I feel better because another boy gets his computer fixed, and I have a crush on him because he's adorable. He's SO HAPPY! He says, "Hey, my computer's fast! Finally! Finallyfast.com!" and basically that cemented my love.

I know he looks goofy in that picture, but basically we're lovers now and I'll defend his honor by spilling the blood of his detractors, so keep it to yourself. I hope you guys all find love in 2010 also!

New Year's Resolutions 2010

• I promise to blog every now and then, srsly.
• I promise to weigh 170 librae by March 15th using nothing but the power of my mind and my friend's Wii Fit.
• I promise not to burn down the crappy new office in the crappy part of town they're making us move to in 2 weeks.
• I promise to listen to more Depeche Mode. I dunno why.
• I promise to enact my awesome party idea even though nobody will come.
• I promise to keep the same hairstyle and color for the entire year, probably.
• I promise to stop being attracted to Disney channel teen stars and being sad when there is only one picture of the guy from Wizards of Waverly Place in an issue of Tiger Beat magazine.
• I promise to like Lady Gaga more than Hannah Montana.
• I promise to cook more because I'm damn good at it!
• I promise to stop being offended when people think my stuffed pillbug, Klappar Skalbagge, is creepy.
• I promise to stop eating sour cream straight from the container.
• I promise to do my origami page-a-day calendar every day so that by this time next year there will be 365 shitty folded disasters strewn about my workspace.
• I promise to embody Bree van de Kamp in everything I do. (I'm going to need the basket back.)
• Finally, I promise that this year will be a lot less lame and unfruitful than 2009.

2009 will be my year. For me. Mine.

Mother heifer, the year is over and I have once again failed to achieve any of my goals. Money? Uncheck. Love? Uncheck. Pony? This close!

I did get a lot of D this year, which none of you want to know about, and I furthermore spent a lot of money on books and clothes, both of which are arranged by color in my pauper's apartment. Paupartment, if you will. Will you?

My last goal of the year was to write a 2008 Year in Review, but there's really nothing to review.

Favorite album of the year: Something from the '90's.
Favorite TV show of the year: Something from the '90's.
Favorite movie of the year: Mean Girls again.

No, not even Batman.

What's to reflect on? Same little apartment, same bonehead job, same sense that I'm too weird to hold a lover. It's not a mindset that makes looking back a gay romp. I'm not normally one for that sort of depressive introspection, but for some reason this season is filled with my first-ever feeling of New Year's Guilt and Regret.

SO! In honor of the occasion, I hereby declare myself "Approaching 30." Ooooooooooh! Clock's ticking, dude!

I don't know what I want besides a change, and I have a good feeling I'll get one. I'm looking to move in April, which is a start, so hopefully having an actual bedroom will make me feel like I've made something of my life. Maybe I'll spring for one with a bathtub and some counter space.

Stupid rut. I diagnose myself brunches, dates, professional conferences, dinner parties, and maybe an orgy. There's really nothing to be done except getting off my ass and back into the world. And perhaps an internal change is in order as well... like not hating people by default. Yeah, I'll start with that.

2009 is going to be a good year. I can tell. Not even this depressing Emiliana Torrini song on my iPod can make me think otherwise even though she just called me a bleeder. So here's to a happy, healthy, peaceful, progressive, and enlightening year for you and your loves ones! And especially for me.

New Year's Resolutions 2008

Keeping in the spirit of years past, I waited a few days before posting my New Year's resolutions to let the "spirit of the season" wear off and life return to normal. Everyone gets all wrapped up in New Year's and makes these stupid resolutions that are at once boring and unattainable. "I will lose 20 pounds this year." Yeah, good luck, cow. "I will be nicer to people and pet animals and feed starving babies." Yeah, not if you're feeding yourself, cow.

Anyway, my resolutions are way better. Last year, there were 14 resolutions (we don't count the last one), and I didn't keep a single one. This year, I hope to build on that success:

• I promise to dress like a rich kid and forego meals to afford to do so. Style and weight-loss in one!
• I promise to call more people cow.
• I promise to continue yelling hateful, racist things at the television when I'm alone. (Guaranteed success.)
• I promise to stop telling people about their friends' weird penises as if it says something about their personalities.
• I promise to finally take the Harry Potter 7 countdown clock off of my blog.
• I promise to stop talking about my hair for 2 seconds (nonconsecutive).
• I promise never again to affect an Australian, British, or Slavic accent and say "I'm not from here" just because I don't feel like giving someone directions.
• I promise to stop shaping meat on my plate into a model of the animal it used to be.
• I promise to stop sleeping with the unemployed.
• I promise to masturbate to a picture of Zac Efron just once to get it out of my system.
• I promise to care about the presidential election. HAHA just kidding, no I don't!
• I promise to read a book to a child. HAHAHAHA, ok, I'm not even taking this seriously anymore. I guess I'm done.