AS PROMISED!

Yeah, who wants to do me now? I bought a two-month supply of band-aids for until the thing goes away completely and the redness fades.

Anyway now I'll talk about something else I WENT SHOPPING! After work I was walking up 5th Ave. to go have a nice free afternoon in the park when I saw this beautiful jacket in the Versace window so I veered in. The jacket ended up being $5,000 so... no. But I love being tended to in these places, and this gaysian guy kept telling me about everything and seemed to think that I could afford ANYTHING, so it was kinda nice, and I ended up getting these shoes that were totally awesome and half off. I've wanted white shoes for a while. I've wanted silver shoes for a while.

BAM I got both for half. I'm the best shopper ever.

Thrilling conclusion

Great news, it wasn't a cyst after all, but a viral abcess! He froze it with this cold air gun that looks like you'd clean your keyboard with it. I said it stung a little and he told me my body can't feel the difference between heat and cold, and I was like "Thanks, quack dermatologist, but it feels cold to me!" Anyway if it doesn't completely disappear in 4 weeks I have to come back.

Right and then I went to the bank and was charged THREE FREAKING DOLLARS to get money out of the Chase ATM. Anybody remember when that stuff was $1? I know! Yeah, so does anyone else remember when there was a good reason that shit should cost anything at all?

After paying Chase $3 to use two cents of electricity to spit some bills at me, I went to my cafe and had a chicken salad sandwich and cafe au lait for $11.50. The chicken salad sandwich came with nothing. It's the most overpriced place I know about, but I still like going there and I only do it after seeing my quack dermatologist, which I haven't done in almost a year and a half anyway.

I gotta go home now bye.

Customer needs acystance

Ok full disclosure: I have this gross red bump cyst thing on my abdomen right where my beautiful skin should be. Some people have suggested it's an ingrown hair, but I don't have any hair there so I'm thinking it's a new strain of melanoma or something. Whatever it is, it most seriously needs to go away without scarring because this used to be my favorite part of my body. I'm going to my quack dermatologist today during lunch, which is a double win because it's right near this awesome bakery/cafe on Lexington. Actually it's a TRIPLE win because my boss isn't in today so I can take a slightly long lunch.

Anyway if you're lucky maybe I'll post some pictures later. Meanwhile watch this video I watched two times this morning.

Woe Betide

I don't care who you support or what your politics are. I'm very open-minded that way. But if you use the phrase "Barack 'n Roll" we are no longer friends.

Now it's time for math class. Solve the following:

(boss supposed to be gone but comes anyway) + (you came in late because boss is supposed to be out and so instead of leaving early, you have to say extra late) + (major dry eye today) + (flat awful hair) + (promise of going home to do long-postponed laundry) = ????

The answer is SHITTY DAY! The extra credit answer is SHITTY LONGEST DAY EVER!

Did you know that when I type things in all caps I imagine it's funny? But one time I heard someone quoting my blog out loud, and he did the caps lock parts all wrong, like with all this anger, and now I can't figure out why he thinks I'm funny. Actually all your internal voices are probably wrong, so I don't know why anyone at all reads my blog OH WAIT that's right nobody does.

Also my friend Matthew (you know my friend Matthew) wants everyone to know that Yelp made him famous. You should all get to know my friend Matthew by reading that interview and his blog or instead reading the following description:

Matthew is a Jew. His hobbies include talking about how great he is, taking pictures of himself with the same expression on his face, and dating some other Jew.

Nupshuls

White people wedding alert!

Here we have the back of my lovely cousin's head and the blurry face of my childhood best friend. They got married this weekend in Chicago, and it was a really really lovely wedding. Among the Top Two of weddings I have gone to, and that's not even counting the Swedish meatballs.

Anyway it was a Catholic wedding, and I guess that means only white people are welcome because that's all there was except this one Pakistani kid, a friend of the groom's. At first I was surprised I noticed such an anomaly, but then I was surprised that I was surprised. And then I just sat there for a few minutes thinking to myself "WOW, I can't believe this wedding is REALLY all white people." Then I remembered my upbringing and I wasn't surprised anymore.

This is my sister and my mom. I turned on the wind machine for this one.

Another reason I liked the wedding is because I was a freaking local celebrity there, being the only person who was both bride-side and groom-side. I was also voted Most Frequently Viewed in the Jennie/Jason Growing Up Video Slideshow playing in the lobby of the country club. (I told you it was a white people wedding.)

Further highlights included the Swedish meatballs again, the Cake of Simple Elegance, my cousin Erica coming through with Aleve for my sinus headache, and "accidentally" being in the bathroom for the duration of the Chicken Dance. But the best part of the day was when I told my mom I hated weddings like this because I could never have one, and she told me not to worry and that I'd have one just as good. She told me all about my cousin's commitment ceremony with her lesbian partner and how it was even bigger. (I couldn't go.) So my mom said all I had to do was wait for my crazy racist homophobic grandma to die and I could have the wedding of my dreams with all my family there. So any minute now. It really was a comfort. I felt much less alienated.

She also reminded me I should find a fiance first, but I reminded her that that's the easy part.

Oh and then my camera started malfunctioning on the dance floor when I wanted to get some shots of my sister and cousins dancing, and the hired photographer came over to give me some advice. It wasn't helpful and when I asked him something specific he said he "didn't know my camera" even though it was a general purpose question, so he got an F for Advice and a D for Effort, but an A+ in Fucking Annoyingness and a B- in Looking Like a 50-Year-Old Virgin.

In conclusion, I'm secretly a sappy person and I always cry at weddings, even Catholic ones. My favorite part is when the new family goes to pray to the porcelain baby and he tells them what to do.

UPDATE: In further conclusion, the following is a picture of my grandma's first cousin, Bernice, who is one of my favorite people in the world and this picture is part of the reason why:

Don't be mad but I had more fun than you last night

I had serious hangover starvation this morning, I thought I was gonna pass out on the subway, which decided it needed to stop for half an hour because someone got sick at 68th St.

I'm sorry but if you're not feeling great and it's 80 degrees outside, be smart enough to keep yourself hydrated. And if you're the MTA, if someone gets sick on the train, push 'em out and move on. If they barfed, well... fine, but that doesn't take half an hour. Whatever, I'm over it. Maybe it was a heart attack or something. I can see how that would be a time sucker and hard to predict.

Anyway, I went out with Kevin last night, and we had happy hour at Gym Bar where we ran into this tiny little friend of his who was Italian and really tan and had a hat with his name on it and one of those narrow thin beards that just traces the jawline. Is there a name for those? Anyway, his name is Anthill or something and he's the type of guy who knows DJ's and goes to parties and stuff. That type usually doesn't mix with the type who can be perfectly happy spending an entire weekend with his Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs, but for some reason I totally fell in love with this kid, and I realized it's because he's got this friendly inclusiveness that makes me feel really good about myself.

Too bad Kevin LEFT ME and then when I finished my drink I felt too uncool to go say goodbye to Anthill so I snuck out. Social outcast alert!

I also ran into this guy I met two years ago and never talk to, but who is very thin. We said "Call me, we should hang out!" which is the same conversation we had a year ago around this time.

Oh, and I met a kid from Afghanistan who looks like he's from Iowa. He was also very small and thin. I wanted to ask how to say "I'm a big fat cow" in Farsi, but having also spent a large portion of his childhood in India, I was afraid he would think I was being arrogant.

Motherfucker.

MOTHER. FUCKER.

That is all.

Another visit from the Disapppointment Fairy!

Ok I'm back. Y'know how it sucks to get shitty news through the grapevine or by overhearing people talking when they don't know you're there like maybe you're sitting in a toilet stall and two other guys walk in talking about how much fun it was tag-teaming your wife? Only this time it was me at my desk eavesdropping as this guy from another library in my system was telling someone else that a girl he works with is taking a certain job. Yeah and what neither of them knew was that this is a job that I INTERVIEWED FOR and that I WANTED REALLY BAD so it was this horrible shitty moment and WHAT THE HELL, I even told the job to call me and let me know whether I got it or not and they never did I guess. I think I'm entitled to that. It's not like I'm applying to work at fucking Pottery Barn, this is a professional organization and they should stick to their word.

Whatever. So I'm not moving to Chicago. I didn't really want to leave New York anyway.

Anyway, in honor of Shitty News Day I'm getting ice cream on the way home and then ordering one of those big honkin' avocado and onion burgers from Jackson Hole. I eat my feelings.

Man, sometimes I wish I were a 16-year-old girl, I'd be such a cliche.

Vampire romance... more like TRAMPIRE ROMANCE!

I just rekindled my two-year-old tradition of sitting out in Bryant Park during lunch and getting tan! I'm so dark right now I look like a... well still like a vampire, but maybe one who's slightly embarassed.

Anyway now I'm back at work and I'm soaking wet and smell like a slaughterhouse. I also think I'm all uneven because I was more interested in lying on my stomach and reading my book than lying on my back and getting color on that side.

Yeah, I'm totally obsessed with this book even though it's annoying and exasperating and I'm 10 years too old for it. I'm reading Twlight by Stephenie Heyer, who can't spell her own name so she decided to write a novel about a teenage girl with no distinguishing characteristics except vague bouts with depression--that is to say no distinguishing characteristics--and the vampire boy she loves, played by Cedric Diggory in the upcoming movie.

Anyway it's awful because the girl is essentially in lo--well let me just copy/paste the comment I left on my friend's blog because i know you all care SO MUCH what I think about this book you'll never read. I encourage you to skip it.

I find it really exasperating that Bella lets Edward treat her like he does. He gives her nothing but cryptic non-answers and then gets mad at her when she doesn't do exactly what he wants, and she just sits there taking it like some idiot girl who cares about a boy more than her own self-respect. Essentially she's staying with him for being "pretty" and "mysterious", and we have enough vapid teenage girls in the world who already ascribe to this sentiment that we don't need Stephenie Meyer encouraging them.

He also lashes out at her for his own faults. If he's really SO dangerous and cares about her SO much, he's being incredibly selfish by imposing himself on her all the time, yet when he gets tempted to eat her or whatever it is, somehow it's her fault for not leaving him alone? I don't THINK so, buddy.

I also have a problem with the fact that he is drawn to her unpredictability. Of COURSE he finds her unpredictable. She's the only person he can't read. He's never had to PREDICT anybody's actions. So it's not that she's especially unique (because she's not), it's just that he doesn't have the usual early warning system telling him what to expect.

BLAH so it annoys me. Maybe I'm too old for the book. BUT, considering I read over 300 pages in one sitting and have so many feelings about it, it's obviously doing something right.

My favorite part is that it's in the first person so I spend a lot of time pretending I'm gazing into Cedric Diggory's eyes and admiring Cedric Diggory's beautiful muscles and kissing Cedric Diggory's.... hm.... I'm definitely reading the rest of the series.

In conclusion, you should all read this book because it's ACTUALLY rather good even though I happen to hate everybody under the age of 21.

Not everyone in the book, I mean everyone in the world.

That is... unless that under-21er reads my illustious blog, in which case I don't hate you, but I seriously question your intelligence for enjoying a blog that a 4-year-old would scoff at. And possibly pee on. Do 4-year-olds still wet themselves?

Whoa, gotta go.... just overheard a bombshell...

Sabon

I went to Sabon today and bought some new awesome skin care products and I came home and showered and used my new scrub and lemon-mint moisturizer and my skin is so soft and fragrant that my cat won't stop licking me.

Update. XANADATE!

Great news, everybody, we got a new office pencil sharpener! The old one would choke and sputter if you didn't put the pencil in exactly so, and you'd be afraid it would start spewing sparks and smoke and set the whole place aflame starting with your stray hairs. It was time for a replacement. Sigh. Life's like that. One day you're lively and whirring and getting plenty of wood jammed in your hole, and the next you're cast aside for the next generation with their trendy lines and smooth faces. Even though it's the same old ugly stumpy pencils, suddenly you can't measure up.

Luckily, MY life's not like that because I don't date old people who only use me for my body... which is really the only category of people that metaphor fit. Moving on, I'm seeing Xanadu again. I guess it's Boys' Night so it'll be all G's and their G friends. Reception to follow. I am excited except instead of like last time when I sat in the on-stage audience and stared at Cheyenne Jackson's ass the whole time, this time I will have to look at his face and arms. I can adapt.

To conclude, watch this but not for 2 straight hours like I did because it's pretty much the worst best gameshow ever made.

I have this total cottage cheese craving right now.

Hi I'm back. I'm a really busy guy lately. In a nutshell, here is what I am busy with:

More of the same.

If you want more detailed details, you can make them up and if they have to do with playing video games, eating pastrami, or seeing the new Indiana Jones movie, you are correct.

I was going to write about my reunion, remember?, only I realized that I don't feel like talking about my FEELINGS. Basically let's say that I still love all my old college friends, and even though we've all grown and changed, we still fit together really well, and I also pretty much think we should all live in the same place again. I approached the weekend thinking we'd sort of relive our past experiences, but we really weren't doing that even though we spent half the time talking about that past. This was especially evident when we realized all the restaurants we used to like SUCK NOW! Talk about dropping the freaking ball. Who'd have thought Asian food could suck so hard in podunk Ohio?

Nothing else has really changed, though, oh except this beautiful freshman turned into an UGMO fifth-year. But other than that, Yoko's still loco, my old professor is still robbing the cradle, and the conservatory library smells as it always did and makes me tired.

This is Bonnie taken in my totally dank dormroom with zero light.

This is Kim.

This is Kimtard.

Here is Chris and Janey.

Here are the most delicious garlic tots ever. My breath reeked for a week.

This is me and my pot belly in the con library.

These are the chairs in the library I slept in more than my bed.

Lastly, Mischka took this, but Bonnie and Jill look so beautiful I wanted to share.

Ok, that's all. I have to go do a crossword now so I can learn new words with which to dazzle your mind!