Watch This

WARNING: This blog contains spoilers for The Even Stevens Movie and by continuing it you agree that either you've seen it or you don't give a shit about what happened at the end or about how bad Christy Carlson Romano's shitty pop song was because the only good thing she ever did was voice Kim Possible.

So I haven't blogged in 11 days because, as I constantly harangue strangers about, I haven't been inspired or anything, but it occurs to me that I don't HAVE to be inspired or have anything special to say and I can write stuff even if all I did all weekend was sit around with an upset stomach for 75% of it so from now on I will bring you breaking news about every retarded little detail about my life.

Starting with The Even Stevens Movie, which I watched yesterday in my first and last attempt to see everything Shia LeBeouf has ever been in. Did you know he used to look like this?

Yeah so basically The Even Stevens Movie has nothing that makes Disney Channel stuff good (wholesomely-sexy 18-year-olds playing 14-year-olds, hokey charm, deceptively catchy pop songs, and Raven-Symoné) and all the stuff that makes it bad (shitty jokes, kids who think their hijinx are funny, and lastly FAT UGLY kids who think their hijinx are funny but do get some props for playing "Chunky Kid" in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer seven years ago.)

Luckily this movie is about how the Stevens family gets tricked into thinking they won an exotic vacation on a tropical island but really it's a reality show that makes their life miserable and tests their strength as a family using starvation and animatronic squirrels. I say "lucky" because the premise means Nick Spano has a long shirtless scene and he's hotter than he looks here on the right:

FEED OUR FATHER!

I CAN'T WAIT TIL MY CONTRACT IS UP!

In the end, the Stevens family learns a valuable lesson about love and togetherness and then Shia LeBeouf and Dave Coulier have an obnoxiousness contest and tie for the win.

Get Over It

Eat your heart out, guys, I got another Connexion message from Melvin! He is 49 and enjoys reading "LOTR and religious books."

Connexion is this gay facebook-type site that I found in grad school because it shares a name with the cooperative cataloging client that I use 8 hours a day every day. When I tried to go to the client's website for the first time, it was this gay networking site, and I was like OMG WEIRD! Nobody uses it, but I have a librarian pen pal in NH who I correspond with through there, so I sign on now and then. I wonder if he found the site the same way.

Anyway that's all I have to say about Melvin except that this is like the third message I've gotten from him that says "write back if interested" and nothing else. I don't feel bad ignoring them because I'm just following instructions.

Speaking of shitty teen romantic comedies, I watched Get Over It last night because I am stupid. It's like 10 Things I Hate About You without the cleverness or charm or Heath Ledger but with Kirsten Dunst and her teeth like a mouth full of broken glass.

The plot is this cute guy loves this hot redhead until she dumps him for a boy band singer and he joins the school play to get her back but falls in love with Kirsten Dunst instead for some reason. I'm kinda surprised I made it through, but I did. Here's how I felt after:

Don't see it. I know you're all disappointed. In case you decide to disobey me and see it anyway, just remember that Sisqo is in it and you'll change your mind.

Anyway since this entry is filled with unpleasant topics like Melvin and Kirsten Dunst, I'll cheer you up by letting you look at that picture of Scott Porter again.

Celebrity Hard-On: May 2008

Last night I watched a shitty movie called Zerophilia in which this not-quite-cute-enough guy who's a douchebag has this genetic disorder where he turns into a girl when he has sex. And then he turns into a boy if he has sex again. It's a cute idea made shitty by being realized as a cheap romantic comedy that's neither romantic nor comical. My favorite part was sexy Kyle Schmid, this month's Celebrity Hard-On, whose illustrious acting credits include that Blood Ties show about vampires and an episode of Degrassi.

Here he is looking hot:

Here he is making me jealous of his hair:

Anyway, he's pretty much beautiful and has the most perfect body, so today I went to the gym so I can be just like him. It didn't really work, but I feel good about it anyway. Maybe by the end of the week I'll have an acting career too. I hope to be in an episode of Blood Ties as well, followed by a brief 4 or 5 episode run in Gossip Girl before moving on to Cinemax softcore porn. When I hit my thirties, I will be appearing in Lifetime Original Movies alongside Amy Jo Johnson, whom I will force to sign all my Power Rangers paraphernalia.

Ok that's all that's new with me lately except that also I kick ass at Mario Kart Wii.

One Bird, Many Stones

Ugh YOU GUYS I'm in a shitty mood now because I just watched this movie that makes me upset.

Ok, so I was 14, right, and I caught the middle of this movie on TV where this woman totally gets stoned to death by her family and neighbors as part of some stupid yearly tradition, and it really bothered me. The image stuck with me for years of this poor woman in her ugly blue dress and her poor pretty daughter in her ugly green dress and it would make me sad every time I thought of it.

But I sorta forgot about it eventually, y'know, but a couple weeks ago at work it came up in conversation and I just had to Netflix the movie to torture myself and relive this horrible upsetting memory.

Felicity? Topanga.

You've probably guessed already that it's a movie adaptation of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" starring Keri Russell as the girl in the ugly green dress. Anyway, I just watched it and it UNSURPRISINGLY bought back all those horrible feelings.

But what made it even worse this time is that it's a SHITTY TV MOVIE like beyond normal shitty TV movie quality. Luckily it stars this ABSOLUTELY DREAMBOAT SEX MAN (who's ugly now, so I'm not posting a link) so that made it a little less boring. It also starred Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World as the preacher. "No Mr. Matthews, you cannot pour your father's ashes on your mother's grave!"

The point is it's one thing to get sentimental over disturbing images in a compelling film, but it's another to weep over some shitstorm of a TV movie. C'mon, me, Lifetime Original much?

Then I tortured myself more by listening to the original story afterwards, which is just like the movie except of ACTUAL quality. Luckily the little commercial at the end of the recording completely destroyed any effect the poignant ending may have had.

I forgot where I was going with this. In conclusion, try not to have feelings.

Ben and Arthur: Convo Movie Review

me: I'm watching the most shit movie right now.

Kevin: what movie?

me: Ben and Arthur.

Kevin: I've never heard of it

me: I got it on Netflix. It's the number one worst movie of all time according to imdb user ratings.

Kevin: awesome i love bad movies

me: Yeah. It's about a gay couple. The guy who made it is playing one of them. He's fat and bald, and he paired himself with this dreamboat to be his partner. It's SO fake.

Kevin: omg omg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxKByXGC890
is that the trailer?

me: It was made with amateur equipment.

Kevin: that's not a movie, that's a home video

me: YEAH!
That's it.
Isn't it horrible?

Kevin: that's awesome!!
everyone has gay face
LMAO
I love it

me: Right?
It's amazing.

Kevin: i'm watching the trailer again
hehe
for ben and arthur
its like a porno with no sex

me: And a fat guy.
Ooh, they're dishwashers at a cafe together.
OMG Fatty's auditioning to be an exotic dancer.

Kevin: hahaha
are they consciously being bad?

me: No, I believe 100% that they're taking themselves seriously.

(hottie looks less like a crack fiend in the movie)

me: Ooh, a sexy!

Kevin: a what?

me: A sexy.
He's a PI apparently.
But he's hot.
He's a gaywad too.
But I don't think his character is supposed to be gay.

Kevin: is he the blonde dude in the trailer?

me: No, that's Victor, the brother who hates gays for religious reasons.
He hired the PI.

Kevin: nice

me: Now they're meeting at night and I hope they do it.

Kevin: oh you know they will

(there aren't any screen caps on the net so I'm stretching for graphic dividers here, ok?)

me: "I don't make sense? You don't make sense! I make sense, that's who makes sense!"

Kevin: lol wut?

me: Dialogue sample.

Kevin: It sounds like they're doing it as a joke!

me: But it's not

me: Eew, fatty shower scene. I can't believe I'm so engrossed in this.

Kevin: HAHA
you STILL watching that?
gosh!

me: Yeah, the minutes are inching by.

Kevin: did fatty get it on with someone?

me: No, he was just showering.
He's in it to win it with the hottie.
Who just got shot AGAIN.

Kevin: why does he keep getting shot

me: Blondie does it.
Or arranges it. I'm not really sure.
This one he did.
I want the PI back.

Kevin: what does he look like?

me: He's like 19 with a twinky face, brown hair, and thick eyebrows.
Eew, more naked for fatty.

Kevin: why is he getting naked so much?

me: EEW BUTT SHOT!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
God.
Again!

Kevin: hahaha

me: Man, the last 10 minutes of this movie are like Fattie'sbuttapalooza.

Kevin: that's so disturbing
maybe he wants to advertise his ass

me: Oh, it'sover.

Kevin: how did it end?

me: Bloodbath.
Oh, he made it with Adobe Premiere.