IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE! BURNIN' IN MY HEART!

I'm going to tell you a story called this morning I fought my way through a throng of A-cup Jonas Brothers fans and their unemployed moms and confronted an NYPD cop trying to stop me from entering work though I had practically shoved my ID into his (rather chiseled and dreamy) face ONLY TO GET TO MY OFFICE and find out the air conditioning's broken and it's like 80 degrees in here.

My first thought was "Oh, I never noticed we don't have windows to open, probably because of the abundance of natural lighting from those skylights we have." My second thought was "Oh good I can't wait until noon when the sunlight turns this place into a real live sauna only without the free sex!"

So while I suffocate, let me tell you another story called last night on Xena, Xena and Gabrielle teamed up with the King of Thieves who looked like an ugly Matt Dillon to steal a chest that contained a powerful weapon. Xena pretended to be a whore, which was neat because she kissed a long-haired guy I liked and then blah blah blah and at the end the chest had a light inside the set you on fire if you ran away, and it turns out the chest was the Ark of the Covenant.

And so Xena brought the Ten Commandments down to the Jews, who were homeless people on an ox cart. I recently started reading the Bible (for literary purposes), and I'm up to the second plague of Egypt, but I think I can skip ahead past the rest of the Moses part because that's obvs not how it really happened, THANKS XENA FOR SETTING ME RIGHT!

Ok from now I'm going to tell you all about that happened in Xena after I watch it 12 years after it aired.

Lastly before I spontaneously combust here is a picture of my cat I took last night.

Sabon

I went to Sabon today and bought some new awesome skin care products and I came home and showered and used my new scrub and lemon-mint moisturizer and my skin is so soft and fragrant that my cat won't stop licking me.

Crappiest Blog Entry in History

Yesterday was Yelp Gay Night VI at the remarkably unremarkable G-Lounge and it was fun but I have no pictures because I forgot my camera but my hair was awful anyway so I don't care.

There was this kid there who was really cute until you realize he has no personality or sense of humor. A bunch of us were in a minivan cab later and he was next to me in the back and he made some reference to Aaliyah that didn't make any sense and basically shut everybody up because nobody knew what he was talking about and in the middle of the awkward silence I said "I liked her in that vampire movie" IRONCALLY and everyone got it and laughed but he said to me like "Good, everyone thought I was a freak but now they think you are too so it's not so bad" because he missed the point entirely, the point being that it was a jab at him and that I am a cooler and he is a drooler.

At least I think everyone got it, maybe there were really laughing at me so let me announce that I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT SHITTY MOVIE. Anyway the point is that later apparently my friend touched him in the bathroom because my friend's a slutbag and that's why I like him. I can say that because he reads my blog now.

Anyway that story was more funny last night when I remembered it better and was drinking, so I'm not going to tell any more of it. Look, I took more pictures with my cat in them. She got an Easter basket from my mom with nothing for me inside.

Also here's a MySpace-style picture of my butt and lower abdomen for Bagel. Don't worry, this doesn't count as the backlit sexy one you requested, I'm having trouble working the lighting for that one. I'll work it out.

This pic can also be found on my Flickr, Facebook, and hopefully one day on gay.com so I can get all the boys.

Nyup nyup...

My morning:

So you'll very kindly let me have my way today. Alright, I'm going to work.

Meow.

Hey, guys, I made my cat a Facebook profile so now you have to go be friends with her.

Weekend, Tonys, shittiness.

I was supposed to do this big hilarious post about my weekend and the Tonys, and you were going to laugh, but I'm soooo beyond tired. I didn't sleep last night because I went to bed at one and my body said NO YOU CANNOT SLEEP UNTIL THREE and then my cat said NO YOU CANNOT SLEEP UNTIL THREE THIRTY so I put my cat in the bathroom and she said IF YOU KEEP ME IN HERE I WILL ROLL AROUND IN THE LITTER BOX AND YOWL AND SHRED THE TOILET PAPER AND YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN so I murdered her in my head over and over and counted them until I finally got to sleep, bludgeoning one decapitation two gradual starvation while I dangle raw fish just out of reach THREE HOW'S IT TASTE BITCH!?!?!

So I'm in a crappy mood and I don' thave much to say about the Tonys anyway. I learned a lot about Christine Ebersole and how awesome she is. (Link to YouTube. I'm a work, so I can't watch this and find out what it is, but it leads to all sorts of Grey Gardens clips.) No power on this earth will keep my from this show.

I also learned that bland performances are considered acceptable and that people can be tricked into liking Spring Awakening when shown the only 3 minutes of the show that were actually bearable I PROMISE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THE PERFORMANCE THE REST WAS SHITTY FIVE BILLION AWARDS OR NOT except ok, that guy who won for best actor in a featured role was good, so he deserved his award and also maybe I want to have sex with him a little bit.

I'll try to stop using caps lock run on sentences to express myself, I'm more refined than that because I have so much class.

Other features of the weekend include, but are not limited to the following:

• I saw Knocked Up and it was good and true to life and hilarious except the part with the yucky thing.
• I had brunch and it took infinity plus forever minutes to get our food, but it was super fun and there were important mimosas.
• I passed out in a bar because I am either irresponsible, date-rapable, diseased, or a starving orphan. It was really embarassing, but I felt fine right after. Don't worry, nothing bad happened, I did a scan. Two kidneys, two testicles, in-tact rectum. No harm no foul.

That's all, that's the recap. Also, I invented a new genre of poetry today during the Boringest Meeting in Boresville. The genre is called "shitty poetry" and it goes a little something like this:

Shitty Meeting : a shitty poem
This is the boringest meeting ever.
If you wonder when it will end, it is never.
This woman will not shut her mouth.
She makes me want to migrate south.
This man sounds like an ass.
I will make fritters from his hulking mass.
If this meeting does not end soon,
I will set off fireworks in this room.
The new presenter is really hot.
Ugly and boring he is not.
I am imagining having sex with him.
After the meeting I will say "Stick it in!"
But other than that, this meeting is snore city.
And that is why it is shitty, shitty, shitty.

I guess I'm a great writer after all. If you like the poem, you can set it to music and we can have a campfire sing-along.

Perfect

I just caught my cat batting around a dead cockroach, and now I want to die.

Walrus Taco Fairydust

Well, it would seem my site statistics are down to their usual piddly levels now that I'm no longer a celebrity. I guess all those people who visited me only liked me for my featured article, I GUESS I'M NOT WORTH SUBSCRIBING TO OR READING OR TELLING ALL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT!!!! Whatever, I don't read your shitty blogs either.

As punishment, I am going to tell you about my cat. Her new favorite activity is called Licking the Bedspread, and I don't know why, but it's all she likes to do now. I thought maybe she was trying to clean it like how she licks my hair when I don't shower, so I washed it yesterday, but she's still doing it. Also, when she eats she sometimes likes to push the food out of the bowl onto the floor before she eats it, probably so she can pretend it's alive and trying to get away, but sometimes she forgets it's food and she beats it all over the house like a toy, and she apparently is doing it a lot more the past few days because when I get home, there is cat food all over the place and she is licking the bedspread.

Here's a link about cat brains. Don't click on it if you don't like pictures of cats with no fur or eyeballs.

This is your final warning, if you guys don't make me famous right away, I'm going to make every blog entry stupid like this and then we're going to play Clockwork Orange where I'm the scientist and you're the psycho with his eyes forced open and all you get to do is read my blog archives all day until you stop impeding my inevitable stardom.

Kittens are starving in China

My cat normally eats Friskies. Y'know... "What's got into that cat???"

But she ran out of food the other day, so yesterday, I bought Purina Cat Chow. Apparently Purina's tagline is "What's come out of that cat?" because this morning she barfed it up all over the kitchen.

So I came home with a box of her normal food and gave her that again, but now she won't eat it.

The moral of the story is don't get a cat. And if you do get a cat, don't feed it.

Kid's Tip

Since you're all keeping notes, I have something to add to your lists of "Things Never To Do Drunk At 6 a.m." Right after the entry for "Tell your ex-boyfriend you still love him" please write "Feed the cat." When I woke up Saturday morning, my entire kitchen was filled with crunchy cat food, half of which was smashed and stepped on. I didn't even know that much food came in a box, but it was seriously up to my waist.

Luckily my cat is gross and diseased and hates her bowl so she ate the stuff off the floor first before continuing her habit of pushing the food out of her bowl onto the floor. She hates her water bowl too, so I have to keep the toilet open or she'll turn to dust.

My cat is a pestilence.

Oh, and don't order a gigantic rare hamburger with bacon and avocado and extra mayo at 5 a.m. because you probably don't need the calories and your stomach will feel funny the next day unless of course it's because you ate some of the cat food and can't remember. That's the kind of mystery that doesn't make you more sexy.