3M

Today my Starbucks croissant tastes like hot dogs. Eating it has made me crave hot dogs.

Oh wait, maybe it's more the fact that I ALWAYS crave fucking hot dogs. Yesterday for lunch, I had meatballs. Today for lunch, I am having Japanese, which will mean it's light and healthy. But do you know what I really want for lunch today? Meatballs again.

Meatballs make me feel like a man. It is the only food I know that combines meat and balls, two things that make men manly.

Another thing that makes men manly is being a bookie. For example, one time I met and took home a guy at a bar. He only had one ball, but he was a bookie, so it evened out. He also wore a Hawaiian shirt. Hawaiian shirts do not make men manly. They make men douchebaggy. Or tourists. Or just kinda unfashionable in a sometimes endearing way. They made the bookie douchebaggy.

Here ends my treatise on masculinity.

I Got Hit On (Hopefully a more regular segment)

I just got hit on at Starbucks because I am a sexy Adonis-breath and you are not.

He was alright looking, but I was more alright looking and he knew it and I could tell he was staring while we were waiting for our drinks, and he was kind of inching over and building up courage. It was totally adorable in a zero self-confidence, odd shoes kinda way. He finally leaned over and said "Why is it that we're the only people who have ordered drinks in the last 5 minutes, yet they're making stuff that's not ours and it just sitting there?"

From Flickr.

Typical flirting technique: Stock Conversations. Whining about service at Starbucks counts as stock because it requies absolutely no wit to observe. It's as creative as putting clip art on a homemade birthday card and just as effective, but I gave this guy a pass on account of being on a timeframe and because I hadn't given him any eye contact beyond the initial 'Oh You Like Me So I Will Smile So You Keep Looking Because I Feel Fat Today' glance.

Anyway, I was all "I think it's part of the Starbucks Experience" and he was all "Huh huh, yeah." And then he said "I don't mean to be impertinent--" (then don't say anything impertinent) "--but I was noticing that those pants look really good on you.'

Then it was my turn to be Awkward Loser Boy because I said "Yeah. Thanks. They're jeans."

Yeah, great. They're jeans. Stupid. But it was hard! Usually I return a compliment with a compliment, but I couldn't think of anything to say! I didn't like any of his clothes. Plaid! What do you want? Nice 5-o'clock shadow?

But whatever my drink came and I said "Oh, yippie, I beat you!" and then I took it and left with a "See ya!" which translated to "Haha, you didn't move fast enough to give me your number which is fine because I didn't want it bye!"

Getting hit on in public is my favorite thing even if it's from people I'm not remotely into like today. It's well-lit, nobody's drunk, people usually aren't trolling the Starbucks line in a horny way.... You're able to say "Someone finds me attractve" without any of that second-guessing that comes from being in a bar. So I don't feel fat anymore. I feel pretty.

Anyway, I'm going back tomorrow at the same time and maybe my Starbucks will be free!

Top 5 Reasons I Am Fed Up with Men

5. Ben didn't call me back.

The bastard.

4. I can't seem to get a blind date.

And by blind, I mean literally. There's nothing hotter to me than seeing a guy wave that stick thing around. Blind boyfriends come with advantages beyond the luxury of not having to look good every day. For one, they can't check out other guys unless you describe them first. Further, if you catch them flirting with someone, you can just say "Don't be fooled, he's looks like Lily Tomlin" and that's the end of it. And most importantly, you can sneak out of the house unnoticed, and by the time they realize it, you'll be halfway to whatever illicit activity suits your fancy. Just make sure to take the stick thing with you so they can't follow. I think it doubles as a dowsing rod for treachery.

The only drawbacks to a blind boyfriend are that they break everything and they can't tell what you're feeling without touching your face. I can live with that. If there are any blind boys reading my blog... I mean listening to it on JAWS (dun dahn dun dahn dun dahn), get a friend to click the comments link and hit me up. I'm a single non-smoker. I'm also a man, incidentally, but that shouldn't matter either way. If you're heterosexual, I can speak in a high-pitched voice and whine about my feelings a lot, and you won't know the difference.

3. I'm having a Penis Ugly Week.

I go through these phases now and then where I think penises are ugly and sex is gross. They never last long, but they're pretty intense. I usually try to get over it by looking at my "favorite" videos on xTube, but when I tried that this morning all I could think was: "Oh, sick! I can't believe I used to DO that." A few days without touching myself and it will pass. They're usually followed by heavily slutty phases, so get ready.

2. The only relationship-oriented men are the boring and the ugly.

Every unappealing man I meet wants a boyfriend. Every charismatic, attractive man I meet wants to screw and have fun. Nobody can explain this to me. Having felt intensely relationship-oriented this past month or so, I can only imagine I've become boring. Because I'm still hot.

There are exceptions to every rule, so don't get offended if you're relationship-oriented. If we're friends, your attractive, ok? I'm too shallow for anything else.

1. I don't have one.

Surprise! Believe it or not, this entire post comes from a place of loneliness and self-loathing! Waah waah waah, where's MY validation? Oh, that's right, my validation didn't call me back. (See above.) If you need me, I'll be cursing men, renouncing love, and spending the rest of my life alone like those women you read about.

Yeah, it's called "being empowered." Look it up.

Celebrity Hard-On: April 2007

Oops I almost forgot to do this but I remembered today because of last night. This was supposed to be a monthly thing starting in February, but I forgot to do March and am now doing April at the last possible second. Whatever, read someone else's blog if you want consistent regular features. Yesterday I felt gross and had only a broken cell phone, so I stayed home by myself and watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights and The Princess Bride. What these two movies have in common is that they both star this month's Celebrity Hard-On, Cary Elwes.

You may be thinking "WTF gross," so let me explain now that like last time, this month's featured celebrity is here based on his appearance in the past. I hesitate to call it faded beauty because that's mean and girly and he's aged fairly well for the most part. Now he looks like a really good father. But what I want to point out here is that Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride is the sexiest man ever to live.

I was originally going to honor Errol Flynn with this entry, but I changed my mind. It was a narrow margin, and I like the two for the same reason, but Errol Flynn's little mustache bothered me a bit too much, and I prefer Cary Elwes' cheekbones and still-aliveness. But to be true, either would do.

When I grow up, I'm going to marry a swashbuckler. He's going to swordfight to win my hand and be all suave and morally ambiguous and he'll wear masks and always be faithful and love me only. And he'll be blonde. And can be a pirate named Captain Jack or Roberts or a rogue with a girly name or whatever, it doesn't matter as long as he wears a lace-up shirt because there's nothing hotter than a man in a lace-up shirt that gets all loose and open, revealing his glistening pectorals because he's been fighting for my honor.

To the right up above is a picture of Cary from the beginning of Princess Bride, one of the few scenes in cinematic history that makes me cry every time. He's so beautiful. I pretend he's talking to me. To the left is a picture of him waiting for me in bed wearing the shirt I mentioned before. He's only wearing the little mustache as a joke, it will peel off as soon as I climb in with him.

This picture is from when he was building our dream house. He's looking up from the blueprints because I just told him to grab his sword and put on his Zorro mask so we can play "Damsel in Distress," a game in which he saves me from the invading brigand horde and whisks me away to the unfinished bedroom where there are a lot of candles lit and we can have sex by them. I don't mind playing the damsel because I'm secure in my masculinity.

Celebrity Hard-On for February 2007

I give you all permission to think I'm crazy when I tell you my newest celebrity hard-on. He is not taken from the traditional pool of hot famous men that everyone takes from. Also, he's kinda old, and like AnnaSophia Robb, you can't look at his imdb pictures because he looks stupid in all of them with his head shaved. Anyway, he is Billy Zane.

To the right is a picture of him when he was younger. He has good hair, and I can't figure out why he insists on shaving it all off like yucky Vin Diesel. But anyway, if you pretend he doesn't so that, he's really dreamy, mostly because his eyes make him look lazy and drugged-out. I'm not sure, but maybe that's what "bedroom eyes" means. Whatever, either way he's sexy. (Actually, he looks almost too drugged out in this picture here... ignore it.)

And when I say that he's my "newest" celebrity hard-on, I'm actually being somewhat misleading. He is the most recent, yes, but in reality, he's my oldest (oldest, not eldest) as well. See, I very specifically remember being 11 or 12 years old and discovering my dad's copy of Lake Consequence, which is a TV movie about Billy Zane and Joan Severance and all the sex they have in the water or something. I don't really remember, the only part that sticks in my mind is how Billy Zane was half naked the whole time. So it's kind of like I'm going back to my roots or something.

On top of being studly and everything, Billy Zee looks like he'd be real charismatic and charming like we'd have as much fun going out as we'd have staying in. I've found that all my celebrity crushes have been more about how I imagine their personality to be than just how they look, which is why I was never attracted to Colin Farrell. My conception of Zane's personality is primarily based on his appearance in the 7th season of Charmed, where he was all flamboyant and romantic, so I have no idea what he's really like and I don't care. Oh, and I just noticed he was in Titanic too, but I don't remember that movie at all because I hated it.

Yeah, so I love a character from Charmed. If you need me, I'll be getting my ass kicked in the upstairs boys bathroom.

Anyway, that's it. I thought it was important that I keep you up to speed on who I'm obsessed with since my blog is so personal and soul-searching. Now I'm going to go on Wikipedia and make sure Billy Zane doesn't have cancer or anything that would make me feel bad about dissing his bald head.