Beep

I don't like the new Facebook feed, but it provided some amusing synchronicity today.

Also, I propose a universal voicemail update: "Please leave a message after the honk."

13 stone 8!

If you are a close follower of my Twitter account (and you should be), then you already know that my body weight has reached an unprecedented 190+ pounds and that this exciting milestone was reached Wednesday evening on the scale belonging to my friends Mark and Kandace, who outdid themselves at this year's Thanksgiving feast. Kudos, guys.

Now if you'll all please consult your star charts, you will see that Wednesday evening fell precisely 18 hours B.B. or BEFORE THE BINGE! God only knows where I stand now that Thanksgiving has come and... sort of stuck around.

TG is over, though (and t g for that), but that doesn't mean the end of my rampant expansion because my subsidized calendar states that tomorrow starts the Month of Southern Comfort Eggnog and Cranberry Bliss Bars for Every Meal. (Gregorian is so 16th-century.) And the MoSCEaCBBfEM is everyone's favorite part of Fat and Gluttony Season Brought to You By Crisco. This is the best time of year for personal growth. And by growth, I obviously mean engorgement.

So from now until Month of Regret I have 31 days to break the big 200! (Yes, January has been purchased by the very CONCEPT of regret, which I'm pretty sure is a subsidiary of Taco Bell.) Anyway, I know I can count on all of you for support and food donations and invitations to get ice cream 5 times a day. Thanks!

[Oh and before you get your pretentious bile all over my new Slytherin tie, I stole the subsidized calendar bit from Infinite Jest, which no, I have not read all the way through.]

Sea-Addled

Last week I vacationed in Seattle, which is definitely a Top 10 American City in my brain. Probably Top 5. I started liking it when I noticed walking around that people looked at me while they were passing. Right in the eye. It's not an ogle or a leer or anything, and they don't necessarily smile or greet. They just look. It's interesting. I'm a looker myself, so I appreciated it, especially compared to here in New York where people don't pay any attention.

Also everything is clean, the food is universally delicious and cheaper, and interestingly I don't feel nearly as threatened at their Eagle as I do here. It's possible I can never go there again, however, in fear of a drunken repetition of last Friday night's REALLY BAD IDEA, which is a funny story you will NOT get to hear. Teaser: it involved low-grade chemical burn. I felt 19 all over again, and now I can't wait to be 30.

Oh and in unrelated news, I chopped all my hair off last week and dyed it brown. So I look like a boy again. Pictures to follow if that guy who took them ever learns how to use Facebook. Also in Seattle I bought tea, gloves, and underwear with New York on them.

Right. So basically I still exist ok bye.