The Breasts of Mortal Kombat

Dudes, I'm gonna tell you right now this one is about video games. You have been warned.

Anyway, has anyone played the new Mortal Kombat yet? I got it earlier this week because my Rybrarian friend made me buy it

I've never been the fighting game type, but turns out I can kick some ass. So far, I am nigh unstoppable as Sonya "Pink Ranger" Blade and Queen "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" Sindel. (I generally play as women.)

But I love it. It handles well, it's attractive and detailed, and even I -- a MK neophyte -- identify with the nostalgia dripping from the story mode.

That's not what this post is about, though. This post is about the one major objection I have to the new Mortal Kombat: the boobs.

Now, I'm not here to talk about the gargantuan proportions. This is video games, and the topic has been done to death. I'm just happy that at least one plastic surgeon found a market in the demonic Outworld. Those ladies need false self-confidence too. (Speaking of Outworld beauty, razor-toothed half-demon-thing Mileena has an adorable do. That stylist must have some big, brass testes. I'm thinking Tabatha Coffey.)

I'm also not going to complain about the practical issues of a giant-chested woman moving, jumping, and punching with narry a nip slip. No, the problem I have with those boobs is that they're all exactly the same... and they don't move!

First off, if you're designing women after adolescent boy sex fantasies, that's fine. To be honest, I actually like the aesthetic even though my preferred MK bedfellow is a coked out Johnny Cage. But you can't alienate all your small boob lovers out there (and I know you're out there.) I would love to have seen just one nymph-like physique in the cast. I vote Jade, I guess. Or, hey, what about an unlockable? There's Cyber Sub Zero, so why not Reduction Kitana?

And then there's the rigidness. I mean, ok, the concept of jiggle physics is a joke at this point, but if you're going to design a desert arena where the shuffling of the fighters actually affects the sand at their feet, you might as well have a little movement in the chest region. I guarantee you not one of those outfits has any built in support, yet the breasts are like rocks. When one of those women is knocked to the floor after being beaten to death with her own tibias, the globes on her chest being at full attention is just... disturbing.

Where's the sex appeal in that?

Dear Diary,

i'm finally getting breasts! it's soooo exciting now i can TF like all the other girls hee hee

i just wish someone would tell me what that means.

newayz I wanted to thank god and also my sister tanya's boob lube cream for making me so so soooo happy!!!

i hope the other one starts developing soon!

Lizzie

Oh hi guys, did I tell you I'm writing a teen romance novel? I hope you enjoyed chapter one.

Busty the Vampire Slayer

Speaking of celebrity racks, let's take a look at the cover for the long-awaited (for me, at least) Issue #5 of the Buffy Season 8 comic. The entire issue is devoted to a decoy Buffy, which is why the figure is pulling her skin off. Most unsavory.

But ok, back on topic. Do you not find hilarious the rip in her top revealing a glimpse of Buffy underboob? What's that all about?

I don't read a lot of comic books. In fact, if you don't count The Sandman series, I've read exactly 4, and I bet you can guess what they are. (Hint: We're discussing #5.) Yet, I still am hyper-aware of all the ridiculous boob-enhancing outfits those impossibly thin superchicks vacuum seal themselves into. And is this really necessary with our Buffy, who may I remind you was created as a symbol of feminism?

I'm not offended because I don't effing care about exploiting Buffy. It's just kinda funny.

But what does bother me is that... ok... we're dealing with a seasoned warrior who has kicked the ass of every demon she has faced for 9 years. Are you honestly telling me that homegirl ain't wearing a spors bra? I'm not a girl or a fighter, but it seems obvious that if you're gonna be punching and running and being thrown across the room, you're gonna want a little support.

Am I wrong?

BB

I'm wearing a shirt that makes me look really skinny today, but I noticed in the bathroom earlier that looking skinny in the torso only accentuates my huge fat ass. I'm like this close to being one of those emaciated vegetarian hipster boys except I eat a balanced diet and get lots of sleep, so I have a healthy face. THIS CLOSE! I could move to Williamsburg and fit right in if only my weight were more evenly distributed.

Right, this is basically in update on my quest for a muscular butt.

Updated status: Not muscular.

On the plus side, my occasional outings to the gym have left me feeling more energetic. I mean energeticer.

In other news, I've been considering lately how fun it would be to have boobs, and I'm trying to decide if the benefits of having them would override the tortures of menstruation.

I don't want to be a girl, mind you, I am firmly combortable in my masculine status (that was a pun), I just like the idea of boobs. I feel like if I had them, I could never leave the house and just lay around all day playing with them. My friend Kim used to say this about having a penis, and I totally understand where she's coming from. I have a good body for boobs. Not big ones, like maybe a B.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about today.