Crossing the Universe Without a Rest Stop

So I walked into work today and wished my coworker Liz a Happy Halloween only to have her tell me that it's still only Tuesday and this week will NEVER END, much like Julie Taymor's Across the Universe.

Across the Universe

Ok, maybe that's a little h a arsh because parts of it were really good, but in all it had no coherence and was just one musical sequence after another, some of which were good and some of which were "crazy stuff for the sake of crazy stuff and why the hell are there 5 women standing on the ocean right now, I thought this was about the 60's not a pirate ghost story."

I also found it really unnecessary to give the characters cutsey names like Jude and Lucy and Prudence just so other people could sing those songs.

It was very Julie Taymor, who my (new) friend Sam commented "has a good eye, but no taste," which I found a succinct and elegant way of saying it. She's really hit or miss. I did like Frida and heard good things about Grendel, the opera. Anyway, but the acting was ok, the music was great (I've discovered I like the Beatles as long as it's not them singing), and some things worked really well, so I'll give it 2 stars, and to be nice, I won't tell you how many that's out of.

I had something else really important to tell you, and I was planning this great entry on the subway all about it, but now I can't remember. Instead, read this: Jesse Owens: Great American Zero. My friend wrote it.

Dumbledore

Wow, guys. I guess it's true. As if Laura Mallory and her ilk didn't have enough to whine about, it turns out Dumbledore is ACTUALLY gay.

While I'm not exactly reeling with shock, many understandably are. A lot of people will obviously hate that the Hogwarts headmaster is a "deviant" or whatever, but I'm more interested in the people who find it fabulous... like me. I can't wait to see what people have to say.

Rowling's become something of a hero in my eyes, even with the possibility that this is something she made up on the spot. Though the series is over and she's already a gabillionaire, she can expect to lose some percentage of her fanbase. Granted, it's the crazy asshole percentage.

But mostly, I'm pleased about the fact that there's now a positive gay character in the collective whatever that isn't defined by his sexuality. It wasn't until 3 months after the release of the last book that we get "Oh, by the way..." So many characters in the media today exist because they're gay, and it tends to become their only important characteristic.

True, things are way better than the Will and Grace years... there's that guy on Brothers and Sisters... and... well I dunno, I don't watch TV anymore, but the point is that Dumbledore is the first fictional figure who's SO POPULAR that carries this "he's gay, yeah, but there's so much more" quality. It pleases me.

Alright, Rowling. Now what about Oliver Wood?

P.S. The first person who makes a snide comment about Dumbledore looking at Harry with "that familiar twinkle in his eye" is going to be most seriously sorry. Gay men are not pedophiles, ok? That's gross and not the slightest bit amusing.

Share Time

I definitely just started talking about my gross emotional problems on an Internet forum and now feel like I total boob.

They were talking about friends with benefits, and I somehow made this into being with people for validation and how I..... aww man, see? I'm doing it again!

The Internet is not my shrink. The Internet is not my shrink. The strangers on Yelp.com do not care about my problems.

Also, the strangers on Yelp.com are never going to date me if they think I'm a freak. :-) Yeah, I might have a secret internet crush on someone. What are you gonna do?

In other news:

The McDonald's Monopoly Game is back and I know because I found these two free properties on a table! I'm going to win! Ganas!

Seeing Red

So I've been breaking out for about a week now because that happens to me sometimes, and I've been seriously asked on two separate occasions if I'm having a herpes outbreak. I'd like to clear the air.

I DON'T HAVE FUCKING HERPES!!!

Thank you.

Liveblogging My Workday

8:00 a.m. -- Arrived at work. Chitchatted with Liz for a while about stupid crap.

8:16 a.m. -- Turned on computer.

8:32 a.m. -- Finished reading all of my blogs and webcomics already. You guys all suck for not being more prolific.

8:33 a.m. -- Received Hypocrate of the Year Award.

8:34 a.m. -- Started browsing Yelp.com.

9:25 a.m. -- Where DOES the time go? I'm going downstairs for a presentation on something. I have no idea what it is, I just signed up for it because there will be bagels.

11:15 a.m. -- I'm back! I listened to a guy whose job I want talk about how fabulous and interesting his job is. Also, I ate three bagels.

11:16 a.m. -- I have completed my transformation into a cow.

11:49 a.m. -- I've decided to skip lunch so I can go home early.

1:19 p.m. -- Sorry, what? Oh, yeah I've been surfing the net and Yelping and chatting and going to the other room for no reason. My boss isn't in today, so... you understand.

1:21 p.m. -- I'm going to eat this banana now.

1:26 p.m. -- Found a book in Dutch about Mozart. Will pretend to be completely Dutch ignorant so nobody questions me for "working on this" the rest of the day.

1:31 p.m. -- I miss my banana. Everyone just went up to lunch, so it's just me and the peel for another hour.

1:42 p.m. -- Totally bored, but the idea of actually working hits me like the sound of 50 howler monkeys screaming in my ear and throwing knives at me. Ooh, Liz is coming!

1:52 p.m. -- Just went to the bathroom where a fellow librarian farted in front of the CFO. I thought my organs were going to explode containing my laughter. I slipped out of the bathroom and RAN down the hall to an empty room to lose my mind for a few minutes. I totally wish you could have been there!

2:16 p.m. -- Liz left. I'm thinking of cutting out early. Earlier than early, technically. At any rate, I'm done with this. Happy Do Nothing Day, everyone!

Bundookie

My GChat status message reads "Bunduki!!!!" and it prompted the following conversation. I reproduce it here because it's one that I want to have with ALL of you.

Robb: what the hell is that supposed to mean?

me: What?

Robb: bunduki

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh.
Bunduki is the shittiest book ever written.
I'm reading it now, it's SO bad!
I found it at a used book store with a friend in Phoenix and we made fun of it, and then he sent it to me a couple days ago because he's weird.
It's a novel about Tarzan's adopted son, Bunduki!

Robb: how nice of him
ahh

me: I love it.

Robb: I didn't know the african jungle had adoption agencies
was that the same one madonna used?

me: The guy's a total horny nerd.
Well, Tarzan moved to England I guess.
Hahaha!
Bunduki went to Eton.
It's not his real name.

Robb: I should hope not

me: The author (horny nerd guy) goes into all this horrible detail like "He pulled the string back 24 inches and shot the 31 inch fiber glass arrow at an angle of 34 degrees."
And all the women are scantilly clad and "Bust 37, waist 20, hips 36."
He keeps referring to Bunduki as "the blonde giant."
You HAVE to read it!

Robb: :-)

me: Whenever he uses an adjective on the women, he qualifies it. Like, he can't just say "the smaller woman" he has to say "the smaller, but no less voluptuous woman"
On the cover is this broad-chested guy and a hot blonde with HUGE boobs running from these giant red-eyed monkey things with sticks.

Robb: lol
it sounds wonderful

me: It is! I read 120 pages yesterday and i'm gonna finish today if I can.
The hot blonde is Bunduki's cousin, but he's falling in love with her because she's so buxom.
Anyway, what are YOU reading?
OH WAIT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT'S NOT BUNDUKI!

New Game!

It occurs to me that my last entry was a little weird, a little depressing, and not the slightest bit funny. All in all, zero stars and totally not the way I wanna make my comeback.

SO, I'm going to tell you about a new game I just made up. It's called "Smell the Intern" and how you play is you go smell the new British intern over there and then swoon and die over how hot he is.

I played two times today because I keep finding excuses to walk by him.

His name is John, and he is the second in a series of Hot Foreign Interns with Weird Hair, but where the last intern had weird bad hair, the one has weird good hair that I want to touch. The last one was Dutch. This one is British.

The only problem with this intern is that he doesn't know he's in love with me. He's nicer to Liz than to me even though she's a married woman and I'm his destiny. It's weird, but I'm sure if I keep playing my game he'll come around.

In Dreams

Here I am!

I'm not really sure where I went this whole time, but now that I'm back I can report that nothing has changed.

Moving on, let's talk about my tenuous psychological well-being. My dreams are starting to make me crazy. This morning I woke up at 6 feeling fine except that I couldn't shake this really intense dream I was having and ended up laying in bed until 7:30 in a half-conscious state as this story played out in which I moved to an ocean-view house in Indianapolis (just north of the Bronx), met a tall gorgeous red-head at a bookstore who kissed me, invited me to a Halloween party, and got shorter and stockier before my eyes. I then got on the subway, missed my stop, and ended up in Arizona where I swore, inducing a woman to say "You know Deborah!" who is a coworker of mine.

Last weekend's nightmare involved getting my friend executed on child molestation charges and having to carry around his remains as a sign of my guilt only to have all my dearest friends leave me totally alone so my only companion for the rest of my days was a blood-stained box of ashes. I'm gonna go ahead and admit that I've been dealing with some stuff.

Anyway, does this happen to other people? Y'know, where you wake up and are aware of your surroundings, but your subconscious is hard at work so you can't return to reality and basically have to go back to sleep to let your dream finish itself? I was completely helpless this morning for an hour and a half as this went on, and I couldn't focus my thoughts enough to get myself out of bed.

This happens to me now and then. Not every day, but maybe one every few months.

The worst was this one experience I had in grad school. I woke up from a nap one day to go to class, and but there was this crazy thing in my head. It was this giant ball of dried, thorny vines just sort of hovering there. It was a product of my mind, probably the remnant of some weird dream, but even though I was awake, I couldn't move my body while it was there. All I could do was use my mind to untangle this ball, and I found little things hidden in it. A star. A tin soldier. A ball of yarn. It was so bizarre. As I untangled sections of it, they would disappear and it wasn't until all of them were gone that I snapped out of it and was able to move and get out of bed.

The whole experience really threw me, and every time something like this happens, I worry that there's something wrong with my brain. This morning was the longest I was ever kept under by a dream that needed to resolve itself.

I also know this isn't the result of tiredness because I slept for 8 hours uninterrupted last night, and I feel great and rested today. Anyway... is this a familiar experience to anyone? I'd really like to know I'm not the only person living in a Banana Yoshimoto novel.