So Google Sponsored Links at the top of your GMail inbox try to link you to places based on your interests and the stuff you talk about in your e-mails and all that. I get some pretty cool stuff sometimes: links to science articles, recipes, tech news, movie reviews...
But I think Google is starting to judge me.
Thanks, Google. You're starting to get my values straight.
Hi guys! You'll never believe the good news! I'll give you some hints ok it starts with S and ends with E and has TY in the middle.
YES! Another entry in a long line of ugly benign growths on my face and body. I don't have a picture of it yet, and I don't know if I will because it's so small and will be hard to capture.
The thing I love about it is that not only is it a gross red bump on the inside of my eyelid that obscures my vision like a cataract, but it also adds a bit of swelling to my already dark and puffy undereye area! I only wish I had a date tonight!
I was going to name it Tyler, but I know a few Tylers and didn't want them grossed out, so instead I'm naming it Skylar because it "clouds" my vision. Get it?
This isn't the first disfiguring mark my body has displayed in recent years. You all probably remember the gross cyst-like thing in my abdomen region that had to be frozen off. Ice cream anyone?
And then there was this spider bite or zit on my face under my eye that was so aggressive that I deleted the photo instead of subjecting people to it.... I wonder if I still have it somewhere... Anyway, I told everyone I was busy that weekend but really I was just hiding from SHAME.
But none of those were the worst of all, and now I get to use my favorite caps lock sentence ever:
DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?
I probably didn't because it happened in grad school before I decided the world should know all about my problems. Anyway it was over my right eyebrow, and at first I thought it was just a gross zit so I dealt with it but after like a MONTH of it not going away I finally saw a dermatologist and he [REVOLTINGNESS DELETED] and now I just have a scar in the area that I hate when people ask about because unlike most scar stories that are awesome like "I got in a car accident while fighting ninjas riding unicorns" mine is "Oh, you mean I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?"
Anyway, this stuff happens to me more than it happens to anyone I've ever met, so like all decent emo sac-wranglers who feel so alone in their problems, I've decided to express my feelings in a poem.
Protuberance Exuberance: a poem
Stye, stye in my left eye.
I found my vision gone awry.
I wondered how, I wondered why.
Stye, stye in my left eye.
Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.
Men look at you with interest.
And when they do, I shan't be kissed.
Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.
Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.
A chronic bane, up there you sit.
You start a bump, you end a pit.
Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.
Stye, stye, why won't you die?
You make me weep, you make me cry.
With all that salt, you still won't dry.
Stye, stye, why won't you die?
Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.
My face has a disgusting twist.
I'm warning you, you're on my list.
Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.
Zit, zit, I'm over it.
You think you've won, you're full of shit.
You're here, you're gone, and that is it.
Zit, zit, I'm over it.
L'envoi:
Facial growth,
You serve to both
Mar and frighten,
But I'm loathe
To scratch and pull
And squeeze and pop.
Facial growth,
This has to stop.
WARNING: This blog contains spoilers for The Even Stevens Movie and by continuing it you agree that either you've seen it or you don't give a shit about what happened at the end or about how bad Christy Carlson Romano's shitty pop song was because the only good thing she ever did was voice Kim Possible.
So I haven't blogged in 11 days because, as I constantly harangue strangers about, I haven't been inspired or anything, but it occurs to me that I don't HAVE to be inspired or have anything special to say and I can write stuff even if all I did all weekend was sit around with an upset stomach for 75% of it so from now on I will bring you breaking news about every retarded little detail about my life.
Starting with The Even Stevens Movie, which I watched yesterday in my first and last attempt to see everything Shia LeBeouf has ever been in. Did you know he used to look like this?
Yeah so basically The Even Stevens Movie has nothing that makes Disney Channel stuff good (wholesomely-sexy 18-year-olds playing 14-year-olds, hokey charm, deceptively catchy pop songs, and Raven-Symoné) and all the stuff that makes it bad (shitty jokes, kids who think their hijinx are funny, and lastly FAT UGLY kids who think their hijinx are funny but do get some props for playing "Chunky Kid" in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer seven years ago.)
Luckily this movie is about how the Stevens family gets tricked into thinking they won an exotic vacation on a tropical island but really it's a reality show that makes their life miserable and tests their strength as a family using starvation and animatronic squirrels. I say "lucky" because the premise means Nick Spano has a long shirtless scene and he's hotter than he looks here on the right:
FEED OUR FATHER!
I CAN'T WAIT TIL MY CONTRACT IS UP!
In the end, the Stevens family learns a valuable lesson about love and togetherness and then Shia LeBeouf and Dave Coulier have an obnoxiousness contest and tie for the win.
I already made some of you do this on GChat.
Click on me then follow instructions.
Step 1) Click Melange Eggplant
Step 2) Tell me if you like the color for me
Step 3) Observe the ugliest model in all of history
Yesterday I went to happy hour with Kev's coworkers and met his friend who's moving here and who I hope will be my new knows-about-music-stuff friend because I don't have one right now. We wound up at Therapy where this kid started talking to me, and not only was he boring but he scoffed at my television preferences so I started kicking this Friend of Kevin behind me to have him save me from the Xena-bashing snorefest and he wouldn't do it and then I saw him across the room and went to him and he said he didn't feel me kicking him so I'm like "Oh, fucking great, I was standing there kicking a stranger" but it turns out he was lying and just ignoring me because he wanted to see me squirm with this stupid boy who's never even SEEN Buffy the Vampire Slayer so what does he know!?
Yeah, hopefully he'll be my new friend.
Here.
It's a picture of me.
I went to a new cafe this week while wandering SoHo trying really hard not to be 3 hours early for Samfriend's brunch on Saturday. City Girl Cafe. Good coffee. That picture at the top is so obviously the city girl.
Oh and I got to watch a blind date happen and fail. So there was this guy sitting alone, right, and this girl walked in who clearly worked there and had a shift starting in like 2 hours. You could tell because she said so. She was talking to the other employees when that guy got up and asked if she was Sharon. She's like "No, Sarah. Blind date?" He said "Match.com. She actually looks a lot like you." Sarah says "Oh, I can't wait to see her if I'm still here."
About 15 minutes later, Sarah left and Sharon showed up. She was really pretty, but she looked like Sarah to the amount of ZERO unless you count the fact that they were both ASIAN! Good one, guy. I have an idea, why don't you tell Sharon all about her "twin" because she'll find it funny that you can't tell Asian people apart.
So he did. And she didn't.
Whatever, I eavesdropped and kinda tuned out for a while because the date was going well, and it was boring first-date conversation that I don't want to hear with people I'm out with let alone perfect strangers. Then I caught her say "So what exactly is it you do?" and I'm thinking "Oh, he must have an interesting job if she doesn't have an idea of what it is from his profile."
So I listened. And I watched as her eyes glazed over at the words "Well, my real passions are soccer and acting, so those are what I'd like to do." I've never read an Asian girl so perfectly. Everything about her face said "Oh, really? I was hoping for someone with a career." See because he's not an actor. He wants to BECOME an actor. A soccer-playing actor. Like a less-hot Andrew Shue.
Then she told a story about her dog, and pretty much once you start talking about your pets, you don't care how your first date is going anymore so I left.
And ended up an hour early to brunch, which was way fun and a total success because after that and holidays I am fat again see?
More later.
HANGOVERFACE!
Here's to never looking like this again in 2009!
Anyone know how to get rid of dark eye circles? Not puffiness, I already have a hemorremedy for that, just circles because right now I can dress as the Joker without wearing makeup.
Also, I got a personal trainer, here's a picture from our first session:
Just kidding, I didn't get a trainer, but I'm thinking of getting a Wii Fit.
fmylife SCHADENFREUDE! Hello, Internet, thanks for combining LJ, Twitter, and everbody I hated in high school into one site.
