Legion of Lesions: A Retrospective

Hi guys! You'll never believe the good news! I'll give you some hints ok it starts with S and ends with E and has TY in the middle.

YES! Another entry in a long line of ugly benign growths on my face and body. I don't have a picture of it yet, and I don't know if I will because it's so small and will be hard to capture.

The thing I love about it is that not only is it a gross red bump on the inside of my eyelid that obscures my vision like a cataract, but it also adds a bit of swelling to my already dark and puffy undereye area! I only wish I had a date tonight!

I was going to name it Tyler, but I know a few Tylers and didn't want them grossed out, so instead I'm naming it Skylar because it "clouds" my vision. Get it?

This isn't the first disfiguring mark my body has displayed in recent years. You all probably remember the gross cyst-like thing in my abdomen region that had to be frozen off. Ice cream anyone?

And then there was this spider bite or zit on my face under my eye that was so aggressive that I deleted the photo instead of subjecting people to it.... I wonder if I still have it somewhere... Anyway, I told everyone I was busy that weekend but really I was just hiding from SHAME.

But none of those were the worst of all, and now I get to use my favorite caps lock sentence ever:

DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?

I probably didn't because it happened in grad school before I decided the world should know all about my problems. Anyway it was over my right eyebrow, and at first I thought it was just a gross zit so I dealt with it but after like a MONTH of it not going away I finally saw a dermatologist and he [REVOLTINGNESS DELETED] and now I just have a scar in the area that I hate when people ask about because unlike most scar stories that are awesome like "I got in a car accident while fighting ninjas riding unicorns" mine is "Oh, you mean I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?"

Anyway, this stuff happens to me more than it happens to anyone I've ever met, so like all decent emo sac-wranglers who feel so alone in their problems, I've decided to express my feelings in a poem.

Protuberance Exuberance: a poem
Stye, stye in my left eye.
I found my vision gone awry.
I wondered how, I wondered why.
Stye, stye in my left eye.

Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.
Men look at you with interest.
And when they do, I shan't be kissed.
Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.

Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.
A chronic bane, up there you sit.
You start a bump, you end a pit.
Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.

Stye, stye, why won't you die?
You make me weep, you make me cry.
With all that salt, you still won't dry.
Stye, stye, why won't you die?

Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.
My face has a disgusting twist.
I'm warning you, you're on my list.
Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.

Zit, zit, I'm over it.
You think you've won, you're full of shit.
You're here, you're gone, and that is it.
Zit, zit, I'm over it.

L'envoi:
Facial growth,
You serve to both
Mar and frighten,
But I'm loathe
To scratch and pull
And squeeze and pop.
Facial growth,
This has to stop.