Legion of Lesions: A Retrospective

Hi guys! You'll never believe the good news! I'll give you some hints ok it starts with S and ends with E and has TY in the middle.

YES! Another entry in a long line of ugly benign growths on my face and body. I don't have a picture of it yet, and I don't know if I will because it's so small and will be hard to capture.

The thing I love about it is that not only is it a gross red bump on the inside of my eyelid that obscures my vision like a cataract, but it also adds a bit of swelling to my already dark and puffy undereye area! I only wish I had a date tonight!

I was going to name it Tyler, but I know a few Tylers and didn't want them grossed out, so instead I'm naming it Skylar because it "clouds" my vision. Get it?

This isn't the first disfiguring mark my body has displayed in recent years. You all probably remember the gross cyst-like thing in my abdomen region that had to be frozen off. Ice cream anyone?

And then there was this spider bite or zit on my face under my eye that was so aggressive that I deleted the photo instead of subjecting people to it.... I wonder if I still have it somewhere... Anyway, I told everyone I was busy that weekend but really I was just hiding from SHAME.

But none of those were the worst of all, and now I get to use my favorite caps lock sentence ever:

DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?

I probably didn't because it happened in grad school before I decided the world should know all about my problems. Anyway it was over my right eyebrow, and at first I thought it was just a gross zit so I dealt with it but after like a MONTH of it not going away I finally saw a dermatologist and he [REVOLTINGNESS DELETED] and now I just have a scar in the area that I hate when people ask about because unlike most scar stories that are awesome like "I got in a car accident while fighting ninjas riding unicorns" mine is "Oh, you mean I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?"

Anyway, this stuff happens to me more than it happens to anyone I've ever met, so like all decent emo sac-wranglers who feel so alone in their problems, I've decided to express my feelings in a poem.

Protuberance Exuberance: a poem
Stye, stye in my left eye.
I found my vision gone awry.
I wondered how, I wondered why.
Stye, stye in my left eye.

Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.
Men look at you with interest.
And when they do, I shan't be kissed.
Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.

Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.
A chronic bane, up there you sit.
You start a bump, you end a pit.
Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.

Stye, stye, why won't you die?
You make me weep, you make me cry.
With all that salt, you still won't dry.
Stye, stye, why won't you die?

Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.
My face has a disgusting twist.
I'm warning you, you're on my list.
Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.

Zit, zit, I'm over it.
You think you've won, you're full of shit.
You're here, you're gone, and that is it.
Zit, zit, I'm over it.

L'envoi:
Facial growth,
You serve to both
Mar and frighten,
But I'm loathe
To scratch and pull
And squeeze and pop.
Facial growth,
This has to stop.

Ain't No Thing Like a Chicken Wing

I feel like crap right now. Anyway, why is it that when you're walking down the street feeling fresh with perfect hair, clear skin, and your awesome new shoes all you get is ogled by a creepy Mexican man looking you up and down saying "Jes, jes, jes..." but it's not until you're already three sheets, falling over, and have just eaten a plate of fries the size of your head (which NOT SURPRISINGLY makes your FACE look like a plate of fries) that you meet the charming sexy man of your dreams and he's Spanish and rich and his apartment overlooks the river?

This is a fact of life. It is also a fact -- and I did a scientific study last year to this effect -- that if for some reason the charming sexy man of your dreams takes your greasy ass home for a pity whatever (ahhh, The Spaniard, you are no longer a secret) you wake up with your face no longer looking like a plate of fries, having magically metamorphed to look like a chicken wing. It's like Pokemon. "Congratulations! Your GREASY evolved into GROSSY!"

Questions to ponder. I bring this up because while I met the Spaniard last year, I met the Jes Man on Sunday before Pride. Here ends the Introduction section of this post. Let's talk about Pride Weekend even though it's totally last month's news.

Pride was fun. Can that be all I say? Typing hurts my brain right now.

Fine, whatever, so I went to Lips for brunch where I was mocked by this SWINE of a drag queen ("What are you supposed to be? Harry Potter?? What, did chess club get cancelled?" AT LEAST I DON'T RECYCLE JOKES! I'll stupefy her ass! More like STUPIDFY!) Then we went to Pieces where a sexy guy on a drug cocktail hit on and touched ALL of my friends except for me. Is it crazy to want something you don't even want? STUPEFY! Also it rained.

Then I went to this awesome party at the Highline Ballroom called Color Me Queer. It was a South Asian gay party, which pretty much guaranteed me being the tallest one in there. Instant win! They were playing Bollywood music and American pop with a sort of Bollywood feel. Videos and all. VERY cool. Then this drag queen came out doing Indian dance, and I kinda fell in love.

But not in a sex way.

Ummmm, then I drank out of a fish bowl at a bar filled with 20-year-olds. Then I got irrationally mad at my friend's friend's friend for like two seconds and felt like a 15-year-old girl. Then I went home so my perceived age wouldn't plummet any lower.

Also, I found her:

Please ignore how ASSY and shiny I look in this picture. This was the end of a very long day. That's my friend Sam in the middle there.

Anyway happy belated Pride. I'm gonna go vomit up my hangover now.

AS PROMISED!

Yeah, who wants to do me now? I bought a two-month supply of band-aids for until the thing goes away completely and the redness fades.

Anyway now I'll talk about something else I WENT SHOPPING! After work I was walking up 5th Ave. to go have a nice free afternoon in the park when I saw this beautiful jacket in the Versace window so I veered in. The jacket ended up being $5,000 so... no. But I love being tended to in these places, and this gaysian guy kept telling me about everything and seemed to think that I could afford ANYTHING, so it was kinda nice, and I ended up getting these shoes that were totally awesome and half off. I've wanted white shoes for a while. I've wanted silver shoes for a while.

BAM I got both for half. I'm the best shopper ever.

Thrilling conclusion

Great news, it wasn't a cyst after all, but a viral abcess! He froze it with this cold air gun that looks like you'd clean your keyboard with it. I said it stung a little and he told me my body can't feel the difference between heat and cold, and I was like "Thanks, quack dermatologist, but it feels cold to me!" Anyway if it doesn't completely disappear in 4 weeks I have to come back.

Right and then I went to the bank and was charged THREE FREAKING DOLLARS to get money out of the Chase ATM. Anybody remember when that stuff was $1? I know! Yeah, so does anyone else remember when there was a good reason that shit should cost anything at all?

After paying Chase $3 to use two cents of electricity to spit some bills at me, I went to my cafe and had a chicken salad sandwich and cafe au lait for $11.50. The chicken salad sandwich came with nothing. It's the most overpriced place I know about, but I still like going there and I only do it after seeing my quack dermatologist, which I haven't done in almost a year and a half anyway.

I gotta go home now bye.

Customer needs acystance

Ok full disclosure: I have this gross red bump cyst thing on my abdomen right where my beautiful skin should be. Some people have suggested it's an ingrown hair, but I don't have any hair there so I'm thinking it's a new strain of melanoma or something. Whatever it is, it most seriously needs to go away without scarring because this used to be my favorite part of my body. I'm going to my quack dermatologist today during lunch, which is a double win because it's right near this awesome bakery/cafe on Lexington. Actually it's a TRIPLE win because my boss isn't in today so I can take a slightly long lunch.

Anyway if you're lucky maybe I'll post some pictures later. Meanwhile watch this video I watched two times this morning.