The Adventures

Hi, I had an exciting weekend with almost NO INTERNET! I went to a party Friday where I was the token social outcast, but I met some people and then randomly ran into ALL of them the following night where I was less awkward yet embarassingly WEARING THE EXACT SAME THING because I left the house Saturday morning expecting to just go to the park for a couple hours by myself but ended up having lunch out and dinner with Brian who finally called me back after like 2 weeks I mean 50 years. Whatever.

Sunday after a lovely day of MoMA and dinner at Cafeteria, I went home and watched the end of season one of Xena, where Gabrielle DIED and Xena totally lost her mind and was crying and freaking out so I started crying and freaking out, and Xena was beating on her body refusing to accept her death, and then her She-Ra strength jump-started Gabrielle's heart so I started crying again. To conclude, I have serious emotional problems because I can go to a Holocaust exhibit and hear about the torture and murder of millions of real people and think "Yeah yeah, what else ya got?" but as soon as Gabrielle or Buffy's mom die or even that lesbian in that crappy BBC show about witches, suddenly I need a blanket and a tissue and a razor blade.

Ooh, and I never told you about Thursday! On Thursday, Xena got shot with a poison dart and was weakened, so Gabrielle had to impersonate her to help a town defeat an evil overlord, but she got found out. DRAMA! And then Xena DIED, and Gabrielle did all she could to convince them to let her leave with Xena's body, but the evil overlord was going to draw and quarter it. Little did he know, however, that one of the horses he was using was Xena's, and the horse conspired with the other horses through a series of meaningful glances to not run no matter how much they were whipped. It was the most poignant expression of stalwart heroism in media history. Anyway, it turns out Xena wasn't dead, but rather allowed herself to slip into a voluntary coma in order to fully allow her body to battle the toxin. In the end, Xena told Gabrielle how touching it was that Gabrielle risked her life to bring Xena's body back home, and I cried then too.

Ok now that I've effectively lost my entire readership, let me announce that I'm going to Chicago for a week and a half and getting laser eye surgery, and I probably won't be on the internet at all but wish me luck and prepare to be so jealous of me when I return and can see like a hawk. I plan to have such good eyesight that I can see every pore in a person's face from across a dark bar and will therefore never be attracted to another man as long as I live.

Snotball Blog

Unnnnnngh......

I stayed home all day yesterday alternating between reading two hours and sleeping two hours. First I was reading one of my Icelandic sagas, but that was too hard because of all the names so I started the Decameron, but that was too hard because it's written for grown ups and my copy smells like spores, so I switched to this shitty young adult fantasy book that I don't even really like, but I was all "Yes. This is the level at which my brain is functioning right now."

There are a lot of icky summer bugs going around New York right now. Yesterday, I think I had all of them.

Today is better, but mostly because I'm all jacked up on DayQuil, which makes me feel pretty woozy in a pleasant detached sort of way. I get exhausted and my heart beats real fast just by climbing a simple staircase, which is less fun, but the benefit of that is hopefully I look like shit so people will feel sorry for me. I didn't put any product in my hair this morning to maximize the effect.

OOH my ears just popped! Wow, the world is so alive around me! It's like a carnival of sounds! I can hear.... whirring and typing and.... whirring. (100 points if you know the TV show to which the last two sentences were an homage.)

To conclude, this had better not get in the way of me having fun this weekend. Oh, but I'm not drinking alcohol or caffeine until after my eye surgery (to avoid dryness) so maybe fun was out of the question in the first place. Just kidding, I can have fun without alcohol. Just kidding.

Extra extra

More good news! The A/C is still broken and I'm getting my second cold this month! This one's not really a scratchy throat/cough like last time, but more of a runny nose sinusey SPLITTING HEADACHE. I'm glad Fate is letting me experience every cold symptom imaginable this summer in case I forgot what it was like to be miserable.

Actually I blame the atmosphere for all my woes. If people can blame gays for the weather, I can blame the weather for whatever problems I have WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PONY, WEATHER!?!?!

Other things I did this weekend were go out and take pictures that all came out shitty and play Wii. When I last played in like December, I had 99 stars on Mario Galaxy, now I have 105. I'll keep you updated. Oh, and I watched some Xena, but they were crap episodes that I paid zero attention to, so I'm sorry. I knew how much you were looking forward to discussing this week's adventures.

Oh, also it was raining for like 10-15 minutes this morning. Check out this e-mail I got at work:

This morning's heavy rain has overwellmed the drains in the building.
Reports have come in of "black water spewing from the drains".
If a condition like this has occured in your area please call me for clean up.

Emphasis mine.

Anyway, how disgusting is that? Instead of risking it, I've been following an intricate bowel/bladder regimen I call "Holding It". At 2:30, I will go to Starbucks across the street for a piss and perhaps one of those orange mango banana blends with the appetite suppresant protein powder inside because I just ate a gentleman's portion of lasagna for lunch (if the gentleman in question is the size of Saturn) so I'm alarmed that I'm getting hungry again already and would like to put off dinner until midnight, after I'm asleep and it's too late.

The guy across the aisle is watching anime on YouTube again. OH time to pee, see ya!

IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE! BURNIN' IN MY HEART!

I'm going to tell you a story called this morning I fought my way through a throng of A-cup Jonas Brothers fans and their unemployed moms and confronted an NYPD cop trying to stop me from entering work though I had practically shoved my ID into his (rather chiseled and dreamy) face ONLY TO GET TO MY OFFICE and find out the air conditioning's broken and it's like 80 degrees in here.

My first thought was "Oh, I never noticed we don't have windows to open, probably because of the abundance of natural lighting from those skylights we have." My second thought was "Oh good I can't wait until noon when the sunlight turns this place into a real live sauna only without the free sex!"

So while I suffocate, let me tell you another story called last night on Xena, Xena and Gabrielle teamed up with the King of Thieves who looked like an ugly Matt Dillon to steal a chest that contained a powerful weapon. Xena pretended to be a whore, which was neat because she kissed a long-haired guy I liked and then blah blah blah and at the end the chest had a light inside the set you on fire if you ran away, and it turns out the chest was the Ark of the Covenant.

And so Xena brought the Ten Commandments down to the Jews, who were homeless people on an ox cart. I recently started reading the Bible (for literary purposes), and I'm up to the second plague of Egypt, but I think I can skip ahead past the rest of the Moses part because that's obvs not how it really happened, THANKS XENA FOR SETTING ME RIGHT!

Ok from now I'm going to tell you all about that happened in Xena after I watch it 12 years after it aired.

Lastly before I spontaneously combust here is a picture of my cat I took last night.

Lessons for your life to make it better

Lesson #1
Never take a sleep aid for the first time and then forget to set your alarm clock.

Lesson #2
Everything (EVERYTHING) is better when you put an annoying and repetitive song in all of your coworkers' heads. I had a great day yesterday despite the gloomy weather and my stomach ache I didn't tell you about, so I was singing Macho Man all over the place and you know how everyone only knows two lines of that stupid song.

Lesson #3
No matter how old I get, I never stop being a TOTAL LOSER! Look at the art I made:

This one I call "Hork!"

This one's name I call "Snitch".

"Victory!"

Also get ready for my BIRTHDAY PARTY in a month. Everyone's invited but only certain people get to know where it is.

P.S. is anyone else reeling that Tempestt Bledsoe Vanessa is 35 today? That makes me like.... 25. Christ.

Things that Suck About Being a Boy, v. 1

Don't you hate it when you go to pee but it comes out going the wrong direction? It usually fixes itself right away, thank god, because otherwise there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes when it DOESN'T fix itself right away, you swivel to compensate and that's when it fixes so you're just peeing all over everything in the opposite direction.

Mine always happens to the right. It used to always happen right to the spot my cat would sit to watch me pee, but that was a long time ago. Now she doesn't watch anymore, she just goes into the shower. Eew, I said shower.

Anyway as you may have guessed I peed all over the place just now. Moving on...

Awesome new-to-me website: Totally Looks Like so go look at it.