Coccus

Whoa, dudes, I haven't updated since Regina Spektor. That was a long time ago, but ok you can all forgive me because I am all sick and pathetic today.

At 2 a.m. going into Monday I woke up with pretty much the worst sore throat ever. I came to work anyway because I am both masochistic and sadistic, but yesterday I took off and I went to the walk-in treatment center at Duane Reade.

I know!

Yes indeed, dudes and ettes, there are four Duane Reade locations in Manhattan that provide prompt-care non-emergency medical services, and one of them is by my house! They took my insurance and I basically waited for almost no time to see a strangely peppy lady doctor who told me I have strep throat. Which I knew. She also kept me and asked me special questions to make sure I didn't have swine flu, which I guess is a big deal. In case you are dumb, swine flu is this sickness all the kids are into these days. And a swine is a pig.

So I got my prescription, walked across the room to drop it off, bought me a couple books across the street, picked up my amoxycillin, walked home, and did not read my books but instead watched Food Network all day. It was awesome.

When sick, however, the best thing to do while sitting at home doing nothing is to let your feverish brain go on it's own special blend of tangents and see what you can learn. Yesterday I mostly kept the Food Network in the background while I had more important things on my mind such as the disturbing viscosity of Tylenol Sore Throat.

I also thought a lot about fucking Animal Crossing because I am a loser. In case you have a life, Animal Crossing is this supremely retarded game on the Nintendo DS in which you walk around picking apples, catching bugs, collecting seashells, and fishing and then selling your spoils to the local store to raise money to buy furniture. You also make friends with all the little animals that live in your neighborhood and have one personality trait each. It's totally addicting and probably the best thing ever if I had to pick one.

My best friend in Animal Crossing is a squirrel named Blaire. She only talks about boys and dating. One time she compared dating to fishing with a degree of insight far surpassing what I would expect from a virtual world where everybody walks around aimlessly carrying a shovel and falling in holes.

There's also this horrible blue bird that looks like the eagle in the Muppets. His hobby is body building, and he's your typical middle-American douchebag. Every time I talk to him, he says "Today is a good day for being conservative." I'm not even kidding. If he doesn't say that, he tells me he'd rather be talking to somebody else. Probably because he his a homophobe. So I stopped talking to him altogether and now I just follow him around hitting him with my bug-catching net until he decides to move out of town.

Anyway that's what I like to think about. The end.

Just kidding, I do have a much more interesting story about the past bunch of days, but I will tell it to you later bye.

Snotball Blog

Unnnnnngh......

I stayed home all day yesterday alternating between reading two hours and sleeping two hours. First I was reading one of my Icelandic sagas, but that was too hard because of all the names so I started the Decameron, but that was too hard because it's written for grown ups and my copy smells like spores, so I switched to this shitty young adult fantasy book that I don't even really like, but I was all "Yes. This is the level at which my brain is functioning right now."

There are a lot of icky summer bugs going around New York right now. Yesterday, I think I had all of them.

Today is better, but mostly because I'm all jacked up on DayQuil, which makes me feel pretty woozy in a pleasant detached sort of way. I get exhausted and my heart beats real fast just by climbing a simple staircase, which is less fun, but the benefit of that is hopefully I look like shit so people will feel sorry for me. I didn't put any product in my hair this morning to maximize the effect.

OOH my ears just popped! Wow, the world is so alive around me! It's like a carnival of sounds! I can hear.... whirring and typing and.... whirring. (100 points if you know the TV show to which the last two sentences were an homage.)

To conclude, this had better not get in the way of me having fun this weekend. Oh, but I'm not drinking alcohol or caffeine until after my eye surgery (to avoid dryness) so maybe fun was out of the question in the first place. Just kidding, I can have fun without alcohol. Just kidding.

Extra extra

More good news! The A/C is still broken and I'm getting my second cold this month! This one's not really a scratchy throat/cough like last time, but more of a runny nose sinusey SPLITTING HEADACHE. I'm glad Fate is letting me experience every cold symptom imaginable this summer in case I forgot what it was like to be miserable.

Actually I blame the atmosphere for all my woes. If people can blame gays for the weather, I can blame the weather for whatever problems I have WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PONY, WEATHER!?!?!

Other things I did this weekend were go out and take pictures that all came out shitty and play Wii. When I last played in like December, I had 99 stars on Mario Galaxy, now I have 105. I'll keep you updated. Oh, and I watched some Xena, but they were crap episodes that I paid zero attention to, so I'm sorry. I knew how much you were looking forward to discussing this week's adventures.

Oh, also it was raining for like 10-15 minutes this morning. Check out this e-mail I got at work:

This morning's heavy rain has overwellmed the drains in the building.
Reports have come in of "black water spewing from the drains".
If a condition like this has occured in your area please call me for clean up.

Emphasis mine.

Anyway, how disgusting is that? Instead of risking it, I've been following an intricate bowel/bladder regimen I call "Holding It". At 2:30, I will go to Starbucks across the street for a piss and perhaps one of those orange mango banana blends with the appetite suppresant protein powder inside because I just ate a gentleman's portion of lasagna for lunch (if the gentleman in question is the size of Saturn) so I'm alarmed that I'm getting hungry again already and would like to put off dinner until midnight, after I'm asleep and it's too late.

The guy across the aisle is watching anime on YouTube again. OH time to pee, see ya!

Goodbye, Social Life, we're breaking up

I completely overextended myself this weekend like I never have in my life. I have a hard time balancing the two main drives in my life: "having friends" and "ignoring everybody" so I fluctuate between the two. One weekend I'll stay in by myself and lie about being busy so people don't pester me to do stuff with them and the next weekend I'll make so many plans that I practically die.

On top of being super busy, I also got sick as you know, so it was extra crazed and I still have a cough. Anyway, I saw a bunch of movies, including Dark Knight, during which I was sick and tired and drunk and eating an entire medium popcorn with Rasinettes so I had a stomach ache too so I don't really know what happened in it, but it was pretty good. I dunno, it was a little too intense. And am I allowed to say Christian Bale was just alright? I'm feel like I'm not allowed to say anything bad about this movie for fear of NERD LYNCH MOBS so I dunno. I need to see it again. Oh, but P.S. filmmakers, when you punch and kick people it does not make a deafening bass WHUMP WHUMP sound, especially if you're wearing a rubber suit.

I also saw Mamma Mia, which was weak, but I wasn't allowed to have that opinion either because of all the gay around me. I was kinda drunk for that one too. Hellboy II was fun. No criticism except they didn't use David Hyde Pierce again.

What else did I do this weekend that required sitting on my ass for 2 hours... oh right I saw The Little Mermaid on Broadway, which was cute and colorful and restored my faith in the child actor. The little kid who played Flounder wasn't whiny or obnoxious or high-pitched or blonde or any of those horrible things all (ALL) Broadway children are. He can't dance for shit, but hopefully that just means he has friends instead of dance lessons.

Anyway I was so tired and exhausted from those things and some cocktail parties, brunches, late nights, early mornings, alcohol, and being sick that yesterday I did my favorite thing ever and stayed inside all day watching Xena: Warrior Princess and that is going to be my life from now on.

In Which I Finally Realize My Name Rhymes with Snot

Y'know what's horrible? Watching your body slowly break down from disease until you waste away to nothing and all that's left is a shrivelly, bald, smelly mass of bones that doesn't even look like you! Has anybody ever experienced that?

Well I am right now! I have a cold. Two hours ago, I did not have a cold. Clearly, this is the end.

Usually when I get sick, it happens over night when my body is not paying attention. Rarely does an illness have the chutzpah to attack when I am at the ready. And NEVER has it had the AUDACITY to try and infiltrate my defences with the MIDNIGHT DARK KNIGHT PREMIERE JUST HOURS AWAY! This cold has some serious brass testes, which I will CRUSH if it in any way inhibits my enjoyment of tonight's blockbuster hit! I hope it's reading this.

Side note: Call me crazy, but isn't the luckiest koala in the world one that did NOT get hit by a car going 60 mph?

BEHOLD THE CITY!

So I have this new plan to get to know this city I've lived in for over two years and still know practically nothing about. Part of that plan entails exploring different places I've never been. Last Saturday I set out early and had a perfect day doing that.

Ok, first I went the The Kitchen to see this art exhibit, which was kinda bad because none of the abstract art had any sort of description, so I had no idea what the eff I was looking at. A few people meandered in, but nobody stayed long. People forget that most abstract and modern art doesn't really stand on its own. There weren't even titles, so I named them myself.

Hanging Disruption

Room of Disruption

The dreaded Box of Disruption

Ok now you know all about the future.

Also on Saturday I went to Battery Park because I had never been there before. It's pretty cool but a pain in the ass to get to considering the billions of places with trees I can walk to in 10 minutes. Let's see.

Here's some boats.

Here's some weird purple flowers.

Here's some birds eating high cholesterol foods.

Here's the time.

Here's some reality.

In conclusion, Battery Park City is just as touristy as everything else people outside the city can see on a map and say "I've heard of that", so if you're going to bring your camera, make sure you wear something "New Yorky" so other locals can identify you and not try to hit you on their rollerblades.

Ok, I gotta go. All this typing is making my nose run harder.

Broken Dreams, Broken Glasses

I'm home sick from work today for two reasons. For one, I'm sick. Fever, sniffles, yuckiness, ookiness, all that. Whatever, who cares?

The OTHER reason I'm sick is because I broke my fucking glasses last night! I don't even know what happened! I reached up to adjust them, and the delicate touch of my supple hands caused the "ear attachy stick thingy" to snap right off! I would have been better if I sat on them or stepped on them or something real, but they broke in such a pitiful way that it makes me feel more pathetic.

For any of you who have experienced broken glasses, you know it's the worst feeling in all the world. Worse than being dumped. Worse than losing your job. Worse than accidentally killing your pet. (Hi, Kitty!) To quote my favorite movie, "I felt like my stomach was gonna fall out my butt!"

So I had to sit through all of Grease, the musical, with my hand to my face. Now I'm home sick, feverish, achy, sweating, and legally blind. The only positive thing about this is that it just put "Legally Blonde" (from the musical) in my head, but after about an hour of repeated refrains, that won't be so positive anymore.

So that's my shitty day. Tell me about yours. I bet I win.

Sickysnak

I'm sick. Miserably. I'm home and I'm sick and Chris is staying with me and I can't even show him a good time, but he doesn't want to go out in this disgusting weather either.

It's been setting in all week, but suddenly yesterday I started running a really high fever and my head felt heavy and I couldn't sit up or stay awake or run through the meadows or anything. Y'know how you can get so sick that you don't even remember what it feels like to be healthy and you don't think you'll ever be well again? Yeah, like that.

I'm more coherent now. Not sure if it's the Tylenol Cold or the fact that I'm actually getting better. Either way, I'm hoping the fitful, feverish sleep will calm down.

I get really pathetic when I'm sick like I can't do anything for myself. Luckily, I have no problem exploiting people, and I have a houseguest in the absence of a boyfriend. Chris and I ordered omelettes this morning, and I used all the ketchup packets on purpose so that when he wanted ketchup, he'd have to go to the fridge and then I could make him bring me the raspberry jam.

The rest of the day has been filled with Nanny McPhee, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and falling in and out of consciousness. Now everyone had better send me flowers and teddy bears and balloons or I'll come over there and lick all your silverware.