Gay Agenda
[x] do a little dance
[ ] make a little love
[x] get down tonight
(Style credit to Samfriend)
Loved and Lost
Ok so I know I barely blog anymore goityvm. So I don't know if I've ever told you before, but one of the things in this fast-paced city of neon and chrome that makes me smile and softens my disposition without fail is this Jehovah's Witness who's often around the library or subway stop with her Watchtowers doing.... whatever it is they waste their time doing all day.
Anyway, she's super nice and always smiling and has a dowdy dress and a gap in her teeth, and I just love her. One day a few months back, I started smiling and nodding as I walked by, and she would smile and nod back and kind of gesture with her Watchtower and look really appreciative that I wasn't ignoring her like everybody else on the street. But I mean, obviously they are! Hello, nice lady, you're in midtown and everybody is late for work so nobody has time to become a Jehovah's Witness right now. Perhaps Jehovah can make an appearance at Starbucks, people will witness him there... and think it's just the caffeine.
I digress ANYWAY our relationship has progressed, and in about August the vixen slyly added a vocal element wherein she quietly says "Good morning!" and I say "Hi there!" Then there was a "How are you?" I'm telling you, it's intense. I see her up the street, and I prepare myself mentally for the experience. I have to stop daydreaming, compose myself, make sure my hair's ok, and then have a smile ready. It would be stressful if the payoff weren't so good.
Right, but like all good relationships in my life, I may have ruined it forever this morning. Today I decided I wanted to add an element, and short of stopping to chat (too risky while Jesus is still in her life) there aren't many options but a hand wave. Fine, good, hand wave it is. Unfortunately, I had things in both of my hands this morning, but I figured it didn't matter and that the gesture would still be appreciated.
The biggest stress in this morning's greeting preparation was choosing which hand to wave with, but I couldn't decide and was getting closer and closer and oh crap it's too late so as I said hi I recklessly chose and raised my left hand into the air, kinda awkwardly and a little too close to her face.
My left hand... the hand that was at the time holding a large and eye-catchingly reflective copy of the book The God Delusion. Big black letters IN YOUR FACE, JEHOVAH'S WITNESS! I know she saw it because as the book's silver cover shined a soft patch of sun on to her face, there was a moment of comprehension. She had, and I apologize for the pun, seen the light.... the light that says "THIS IS A FILTHY ATHEIST GAY BOY JEW!"
I played it cool and just lowered my arm and tried not to let go of the smile, but I was mortified. I didn't MEAN to deliver a message like that to her. I've officially pushed my 'beliefs' on her a million times more than she has on me. Yes, I've seen her book more than she's seen mine, but I don't even know what a Jehovah's Witness fucking is. This woman now knows my soul (or lack thereof) and I may have lost my daily happiness forever now.
In conclusion, it's true that atheists will never find satisfaction. May the Lord deliver me.... whatever that means.
Passions is on!?!?
Does anyone think I'm weird for being attracted to guys like Jim Brickman?
Because it's not just "Oh, he's a handsome man." I actually see a picture like this, and it makes me want to cuddle up with some hot cocoa next to the fire in our cabin while he plays easy listening Christmas tunes on our grand piano wearing a holiday sweater and gazing at me with the firelight in his eyes. And then we'll snuggle on the bear skin rug and read Great Expectations as the snowflakes silently drift by the window and the forest around us quietly slumbers.
I've never thought of myself as the woolen sweater man type, and I'm sure it would get old the next day when I was asked to fucking chop wood or something, but maybe that's what I need right now... a snowy weekend upstate with someone masculine, sensitive, cliche, and... tacky. I wish Indiana Jones were real and available... and gay... and still 35.
Speaking of romance and love I'll never have, I was disappointed this morning when I went for coffee and Sexy Latte Boy wasn't there, but after lunch I passed by again and he WAS so even though I didn't want anything, I got in line. He was working the register this time, so instead of getting a drink he'd have to defer to the barrista, I got tea, which he would have to make himself. But I was SUPER SAD to realize that I was 100% totes mistaken yesterday because the dude is 99% straight, I'm so sure. He just has this boyish way about him with the smiling and the ease with himself, and he tends to be friendlier with people who look like they might be the slightest bit interesting (i.e. not the Greybar businessman type that forms 90% of his clientele.) So there goes that eternal happiness, but I'm still going to go there and enjoy some quality crush time.
Right so following that disappointment, I'm leaving Grand Central and I hold the door for the guy behind me, though I can't do it well because I have hot tea in my hand, which he takes as an excuse to start up a conversation with me, during which he complimented my outfit, asked if I model, wondered why I DIDN'T model, and then told me I could model for him and "maybe more" and that he'd pay me. Lovely. So I don't get Jim Brickman or the Sexy Latte Boy, but I can have the 65-year-old man who thinks I'm a HOOKER!
Then he walked WITH me down the street and I found out he's Jimmy, he lives in a co-op on 44th St., he likes tall thin boys, he can guess my exact height in one try like a side show act, and ummm... right, he reminded me that I'm good-looking and just his type and I'm thinking jesus christ has my complete unwillingness to go home with you not clued you in to the fact that YOU'RE not MY type no matter how many new pairs of shoes I wish I had right now?
Eventually he pieced together that I have a boyfriend (not true, but I let him believe it) because "You're tall and good-looking. You've got it all."
Yeah, dude. I've got it all. Because I'm attractive. I don't know if I'm flattered by that or aghast as his serious lack of insight about what being attractive really gets you. And what it doesn't.
Cafe Olé
Guys I have wonderful news! I think I'm officially flirting with the guy at my new favorite coffee shop.
Ok, so I recently discovered Joe: The Art of Coffee in Grand Central which has super strong super good coffee so I hike over there every morning now and usually there is this cute blonde skinny boy in a hat (the same hat always) working the espresso machine and I like to look at him and he always smiles and says here you go real nice when he gives me my soy au lait.
Anyway today I was amongst a whole bunch of Australian businessmen somehow and I didn't think my boy was there, just all the girls who work, but then he came out from the back and was hanging out because there were girls manning the register and the machine, and he kept looking over and me and smiling bashfully and looking away, so I did it back and then he walked up and took my cup out of the line-up and made my drink! OMG love, is this what you taste like? Rich and bitter and... with soy?
Right so I am officially going back every morning for some serious cup-o'-joe mojo with my new sexy latte boy who's probably too young for me. Pray it keeps me up all night.
Dreeks le streumon
Real quick random video share, watching this seven-second video I went from intrigued to terrified to REALLY turned on.
I'm watching it over and over just for that smile at the end. Thanks, dreeks67!
Video Blog #1: Maiden Voyage, or, Champagne in the Ass
Ok so whimsy drove me to make a video blog. Who knows if I'll ever do it again, but I did it once.
I uploaded it to three places. So Buzznet decided its thumbnail capture should be me with my cat. NOT LOSERY. Vimeo chose a still of me in the gayest pose imaginable. And most importantly, YouTube decided one of my "related videos" in the sidebar should be "Boring Life of a Gay Loser". Thanks for the publicity, Internet!
Video Blog #1: Maiden Voyage, or, Champagne in the Ass from Too Hotty on Vimeo
In case the Vimeo embed doesn't work, here's the link to YouTube.
In retrospect, I realize that in this age of the soundbyte, the blurb, and fucking Twitter, a 10-minute video might be a lot to ask of people.... but too bad, I'm changing the world, you have to watch the whole thing.
Dirty, Pretty Things
Who gave it permission to be hot today? It's totally cramping my brand new style!
What's that, you say? I haven't told you about my brand new style? Well I'll be!
It began because I'm starting to hate all my clothes so I decided instead of throwing everything out in a rage, I'm going to try to find new ways to wear old things. So basically I established the Rule of Three, in which I must wear at least three (3) garments and an accessory. Shoes do not count. This way, I force myself out of the bad habit of just throwing on a shrit and a sorta matching pair of jeans every day. It's been working beautifully even though half the stuff in my closet I haven't worn or washed in... years or ever.
Today, for example, I'm wearing a medium-purple shirt, a cream-colored zip-up hoodie sweater, tan jeans, and a thin, flimsy brown scarf tied in a sort of ascot style underneath it all. Yes ASCOT because I am fashion forward now and I own 7 smoking jackets and a pipe. And I'm a queer.
Anyway, going into my closet in the morning is SO MUCH FUN now because of the possibilities. It's funny how putting effort into your life can make it better, right?
So soon I will know the things I really do want to get rid of (I'm still going to get rid of stuff) and then I will be the most stylish person in all the land. Of New York. Right.
Oh and I forgot to tell you why I'm nervous. I'm nervous because ok I got My Stepmother Is an Alien on Netflix and when it came, it was all shattered into a million pieces so I reported it broken and sent it back, and then the next one came and it was cracked down the middle! So I reported IT broken too and sent it back, and now I'm super scared that the third copy will also be destroyed and they'll think I'm doing it on purpose, like destroying copies of My Stepmother Is an Alien the world over, and then they'll cancel my Netflix account for abusing it and I WON'T BE ABLE TO WATCH SEASON 3 OF XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS!
My left eyeball feels larger than normal, should I be concerned yes or no?