International Talk Like a Pirate Minute

Avast ye lubbers, it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day, arrrrrr!

And that's it. Here ends my observation of Interational Talk Like a Pirate Day, the stupidest holiday ever invented.

The concept works in theory, but the problem is nobody actually knows how to talk like a pirate. The pirate words in the vernacular of 90% of people are avast, lubber, arrr, and bastardized verb conjugation, so after they say the sentence above, they're tapped. Various sailing words may also be known (hoist the mainstay or something) but half the people saying them don't know what they mean, and also, we're not on a fucking boat.

And so, "International" Talk Like a Pirate Day usually consists of one guy telling everyone around "Arrr, ye must talk like a pirate for it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!" and everyone else either thinking he's an idiot or saying "Avast!" and forgetting about it until the cycle repeats next year.

So if you're gonna celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day (the "Inter" is inexplicable to me--I blame the Internet), do it with gusto! All day! If someone tries to kick your geeky ass, just yell "Parlay!"

Otherwise, I have a few alternate yet related holidays to suggest that I would much rather celebrate:

• National Don't Bother Showering (Like a Pirate) Day
• Go Swimming Day
• National Steal Crap From People Day
• National Have Sex With Johnny Depp Day
• International Close Your Lips Day (in honor of Keira Knightly)
• Grope a Serving Wench Day

Public E-Lations

Does unsolicited e-mail actually work in promoting a product? You can't tell me that people actually open their e-mail to a pletora of inbox advertisements and actually think "Wow, those are some nice products. I might consider buying some of those."

Ever since I moved to New York, my e-mail address has been sold to one publicist after another. When one "Chris Ryan" managed to get my work e-mail to advertise some sort of gay event even though I'd never released that to anyone outside of work, I was baffled. Luckily, I happened to have been dating a guy who works in club promotion who said:

UGH Chris Ryan is the most notoriously annoying spam promoter in NYC.
He probably has a program that pulls email addresses associated with each other. So, if your work email has even been associated with this email address (for instance, if you have one email client forward emails to another email client) he can pull it and upload it to his database. But, he should have an unsubscribe option @ the bottom of his blasts (so he complies with the CAN-SPAM act). If he does not he can get in alot of trouble.

Turns out Chris Ryan DID comply with the CAN-SPAM Act, and I was unsubscribed with no problem. I haven't heard from him since.

So today when I got home, I checked my e-mail to find not one not two but THREE messages all in a row from the same girl advertising some stupid CD releases or something, I don't even know.

I was irritated. In fairness, having just walked 20 blocks from Bed, Bath... AND BEYOND with really heavy bags probably had something to do with my openness to irritation (a.k.a. irritability) but still, three messages?

I remembered the old fling's words and searched for an unsubscribe button, and there was none, so I irritatedly (remember?) replied with a short "I can't find an unsubscribe button. Please don't flood my inbox with crap."

But alas, it seems I hurt poor Gina-Marie's little feelings because she thinks I'm "rude". Pobrecita. :-( Isn't that sad?

Yeah, I guess I'm an asshole! Excuse me for expressing my annoyance at half-assed boring advertisements being thrown at me from every direction. If you're going to send me unsolicited e-mail, at least have the decency to make it look nice with a color or a picture or something. And while you're at it, don't send me unsolicited e-mail.

There's only one e-mail spam promotion agency that I don't unsubscribe to because their messages sometimes have hot guys in them.

Oh and by the way, People of New York, you can also stop shoving flyers and cards and shitty newspapers into my hands. The world has enough problems without you chopping down a rainforest to offer me cheap eyebrow threading or invite me to an after hours leather orgy in Brooklyn.

The Body of Christ: Now with Chocolate Chips!

Today is my day. I woke up feeling good, I sang a song in the shower I forgot I knew. I found $50 in my sock drawer.... everything possible was going perfectly.

On my walk to the subway, I remembered how I was out of granola bars at work, and I was upset because the first thing I do every morning is eat one. My favorite is Mixed Berry, but I don't like the almonds inside. My second favorite is Oatmeal Raisin.

Anyway, I was sad. Approaching the subway, I prepared to hunch my shoulders and ignore the two guys handing out shitty newspapers. This is a ritual I perform every day, and ignoring them takes a lot out of me because I'm never sure if I should acknowledge their presence or say hi or no thanks, but I always settle on total ignore, and it's hard for me to do. Whatever, the point is my world was turned all upside-down because there was a new face there! There was a third woman handing something out!

She stood out firstly because she was new and secondly because she was white (say what you will, but the Metro woman is Hispanic and the A.M. New York guy is black, so it's just an observation) and thirdly because the thing she was giving away was a granola bar! It was like the Lord sent her to me in my moment of need!

As it turns out, that's not too far from the truth because the deal was if you take the granola bar, you also have to take a little ad for Apostles Church NYC. I am linking to them to say thanks for the food, not because I endorse their mission or anything. For a minute on the subway, I was afraid my Judaism would cause the granola bar to react to my stomach like holy water to a vampire, but I took my chances. No heartburn yet.

According to their obnoxiously-designed website, Apostles Church NYC believes in proclaiming Jesus, assimilating believers like in Star Trek, developing leaders, renewing the city, and planting churches, which is my favorite part. I imagine little sapling churches springing up in Central Park trying like hell heaven to sprout a few buds before the athiest lawnmowers plow them into oblivion, laughing maniacally.

Oh, and their Saturday block party is directly outside my apartment building, so you are welcome to come along. I plan to stumble out on my stoop hungover and half-naked carrying a Friday-night trick on my arm to partake in the festivities.

If they get mad at me, I'll just tell them I'm sewing my Quaker oats.

Gimmie a D

So the thing in my shoe ended up being a penny after all. I was shocked.

Anyway, I don't have much to say. I been spending a lot of time on Yelp.com writing little reviews of places in New York, and I found myself composing a cheer about Duane Reade that I wanted to share here. For all you foreigners, Duane Reade is this drug store chain that has totally pwn3d Manhattan. There's one on every freaking corner. We have the odd Walgreens or CVS, but mostly Duane Reade is where you're stuck going. They're all the same, and by that I mean they all suck to the same degree. Here's my cheer, so get out your pom poms and shave your legs because here we go!

Duane Reade, Duane Reade, we don't care!
Our attitude's as vile as that smell in the air!
Don't whine about the stock or that crap on the floor!
Just scan your effing card and get your ass out the door!
Duuuuuuaaane Reeeeeeaaade!

Anyway, I encourage you all to join Yelp.com if you live in a metropolitan area of any significance. It's really great fun.

300

In honor of today being September 10th, National Slowest Monday Ever Day, I've been playing a fun game all morning. It's called "What's In My Shoe?" and how you play is you guess the object that has been in my shoe all morning. The following backstory will provide all your clues.

Last week I visited my friend Chris in Phoenix all week. We used-book-shopped and ate fatty foods and watched the Back to the Future movies. But mostly (i.e. most importantly) we played Bingo at this casino and Pogo Games all week.

Bingo was pretty awesome because it was $14 for a ton of rounds, and they gave us little electronic machines that kept track of all our cards for us. All we had to do was type in the number when it came up, which turned out to be too much for me so I had to have the attendant come and fix my machine after I messed it all up. Anyway, I didn't win any bingo rounds but who cares because in honor of Labor Day, we all got FREE Labor Day-themed bingo daubers! I can't wait for next time I go to Drag Queen Puppet Bingo because I'll be able to impress all my friends. "No no, I don't need your crappy rental dauber, I have my very own vibrant red dauber with an American flag and an eagle (not endangered) on it." It's almost as cool as having your own bowling ball, but I haven't reached that level yet.

Anyway, we also made day trips to Tuscon and Sedona. Don't go to Tuscon unless you have a really good reason or if the homeless are out. Or a death wish (south side). The town is boring otherwise.

Sedona's the prettiest little tourist trap I ever did see. There are some red mountains, but the main event in Sedona is the collection of mystical vorticies peppered throughout the area. They're supposed to be good for your soul or something, but the only noticable effect I saw was their ability to attract a billion little occult stores advertising aura photography and crystal healing. Chris' Mayan astrological sign is the Dog, which means he is loyal but tends to have sex with a lot of people.

Pavoratti died too, so.... there's that. I guess that's all I have to say about my week. OH! But the final clue is that I bought 30 books at various new and used bookstores in Arizona, so I had to do some creative packing to get them to fit in my suitcase. This involved putting things into my shoes, so I'm betting the thing in my shoe is a single-use vial of eye drops. It doesn't feel like a coin. It doesn't hurt. The thing is, I didn't pack any single-use vials of eye drops. Anyway, stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.