Happy Prattle

I'm gassy and broken out today, so I'm going to think about some positive things about this week. Here they are to brighten up your day too!

For one, I had a non-hellacious experience at D'Agostino's yesterday, which is pretty much unprecedented and might be considered a miracle but for the bottle of water I got not becoming wine. I went in, I found what I needed, I was undercharged for my marshmallows, and I left. No idiot employees. No moronic organization like how they hide the mayonnaise far away from all the other condiments. No babies, no old people, no inflated prices. It was almost like a regular grocery store!

You don't know how much I hate that place.

Secondly, I just found out that this boy exists, which pretty much makes the world livable again.

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, the guy that hands out the Metro newspaper (alongside the A.M. New York, this is a free paper that everyone reads on the subway and leaves on the seat) told me I brighten up his morning every day! It made me so happy, and now we're best friends. He said it because even though I don't want his shitty paper, I always smile and say "No thank you." I don't know why I started doing that. I guess he has friendly eyes.

Anyway, my hard work paid off because now he thinks I'm fucking Mother Theresa. Sadly, since he said this to me, he has disappeared. It must be illegal for those newspaper people to have good personalities. The guy doing it now is as surly and in the way as all the others.

Question of the day: Why do we say "Does anyone have a magic marker?" What in hell is so magical about markers?

Also, read this. It's important.

The Body of Christ: Now with Chocolate Chips!

Today is my day. I woke up feeling good, I sang a song in the shower I forgot I knew. I found $50 in my sock drawer.... everything possible was going perfectly.

On my walk to the subway, I remembered how I was out of granola bars at work, and I was upset because the first thing I do every morning is eat one. My favorite is Mixed Berry, but I don't like the almonds inside. My second favorite is Oatmeal Raisin.

Anyway, I was sad. Approaching the subway, I prepared to hunch my shoulders and ignore the two guys handing out shitty newspapers. This is a ritual I perform every day, and ignoring them takes a lot out of me because I'm never sure if I should acknowledge their presence or say hi or no thanks, but I always settle on total ignore, and it's hard for me to do. Whatever, the point is my world was turned all upside-down because there was a new face there! There was a third woman handing something out!

She stood out firstly because she was new and secondly because she was white (say what you will, but the Metro woman is Hispanic and the A.M. New York guy is black, so it's just an observation) and thirdly because the thing she was giving away was a granola bar! It was like the Lord sent her to me in my moment of need!

As it turns out, that's not too far from the truth because the deal was if you take the granola bar, you also have to take a little ad for Apostles Church NYC. I am linking to them to say thanks for the food, not because I endorse their mission or anything. For a minute on the subway, I was afraid my Judaism would cause the granola bar to react to my stomach like holy water to a vampire, but I took my chances. No heartburn yet.

According to their obnoxiously-designed website, Apostles Church NYC believes in proclaiming Jesus, assimilating believers like in Star Trek, developing leaders, renewing the city, and planting churches, which is my favorite part. I imagine little sapling churches springing up in Central Park trying like hell heaven to sprout a few buds before the athiest lawnmowers plow them into oblivion, laughing maniacally.

Oh, and their Saturday block party is directly outside my apartment building, so you are welcome to come along. I plan to stumble out on my stoop hungover and half-naked carrying a Friday-night trick on my arm to partake in the festivities.

If they get mad at me, I'll just tell them I'm sewing my Quaker oats.

Warning: Major Geek Out

Sorry about that last, I just get upset that people can be so insincere.

Anyway, not to be all bi-polar or anything, but today I'm over it and am in a way better mood for a million reasons.

I paid off my credit card last night. And this morning when I woke up, my apartment was way cleaner than it was when I went to bed. I don't know how this happened, but I swear it's true.

Oh, and I read the sixth Series of Unfortunate Events book yesterday (because I was crabby) and now I'm really into them like to the point where I yell "Holy shit!" and freak out my cat every time the mystery deepens and I get so upset when bad things happen to the orphans that I have to sometimes put the book down and cool off for a few minutes. They get really good after Book 5, you should all read them immediately if you like formulaic things, which I do, that's why I'm a cataloger. So I read that book and then the first half of the seventh one and then I had a dream with Violet Baudelaire in it, so I woke up in a good mood today.

In honor of that and because I paid off my credit card, this morning I ordered myself a Fruity Oaty Bars t-shirt. If you don't know what that means, we have some serious television time to get through.

Then when I left for work it was pouring rain, and my umbrella is broken, so I decided to just own it and I got all wet and it was great.

Oooooh, and then today Issue #2 of the Buffy Season 8 comic came out. The cover's fab and I can't wait to go home or to go on break, really, because that's when I'll read it. And at the comic book store (yes, I go to those, I have a frequent buyers account even) I saw Alice in Sunderland sitting there all pretty and heavy and expensive and I got really excited because I was looking at it on the Dark Horse website (yes, I look at comic book websites even though I don't read them except Buffy) so I impulse bought it because I'm a working professional career man and can do that sometimes.

Anyway, while we're on the topic of comics and me being a loser, does anyone else think that Lost Girls costing $75 is complete crap? I mean hello, here's a book I want more than most other things ever written and I have to become a hobo to buy it? Please, whatever, I am so above consumerism.