Overhead in New York made fun of Oberlin, but I'm not hurt because it's kinda true... I mean most of us were Sure and we learned to quickly identify those large populations of Not Exactly and never sit next to them.
I also enjoy the smell of patchouli, though, so y'know, whatever that means...
Hermione is Sure.
I saw another crappy movie this weekend, and it was A Scanner Darkly. It was about drugs and Keanu Reeves as an undercover cop who's apparently on this drug too so he can get info on some overlord or something, I dunno, it was all pretty vague, but then it sorta turns around in a really obvious twist, which may not have been a twist at all. You couldn't really tell if Keanu Reeves was a cop posing as a druggie or a druggie posing as a cop, and maybe that was the point, but I eventually decided I didn't care which it was, and then I started wondering if he would show his penis. Turns out it was animated out, more on that later.
So at the end, it was all "Oh, those weird things Winona Ryder said while she was drunk and all cracked out actually meant something, but it was a secret but it all makes sense now, wow that's so deep. But it wasn't deep.
For some reason that was not made immediately clear, all the undercover cops wore scramble suits, which were these body suits that display some vomit-inducing shuffling of all your features with those of 1,000,000 other people, so your whole body is kinda changing all the time and it's really horrible to look at and nobody would tell what gender or race or even how old or tall or whatever you are. Basically it was an excuse to get some close up face shots of Keanu Reeves "under the hood" looking as expressive as ever.
Oh, and it was animated, but not really. Check out the stills. Basically, they filmed it live action and then colored all over it so instead of seeing pretty Winona Ryder's boobs, you see pretty Winona Ryder's boobs as they would appear in a paint by numbers book. It's neat.
Anyway, the whole thing felt like it was supposed to make you feel bad for Keanu Reeves because "oh, look what those awful drugs are doing to these people" but oh please, I didn't tell the morons to start taking them.
In order to arouse this sympathy, they had bad things happen to the people on drugs. For example, Keanu Reeves mistook a dog for a sheep. He was pretty upset about that one. And I think they used his trademarked Keanu Reeves Blankness to make you think he was getting stupider. But mostly, they just used a bunch of scenes where all of his friends are paranoid about stuff like "Ooh, we're gonna get arrested and caught and there's a conspiracy and somebody stole my chapstick!"
I don't remember any lines, so here's some sample dialogue between me and the movie. The movie is in italics:
Wow, these drugs sure make us paranoid!
Yeah. Drugs'll do that.
Whoa! I'm like totally paranoid!
Yes, I see that.
No, but you don't get it. I'm like... SO paranoid. I can't even handle it.
Okay!
Isn't it funny how paranoid we are? I mean it's total comedy, we're like, paranoid.
There were approximately a billion scene like that, and they were each an average of 4 minutes too long. It got so old, I felt like I was watching Gallagher or an Ace Ventura movie like "GOD just get OVER it, this was never funny!"
But anyway, it's not all bad. Don't pay $10.25 to see it like I did, but it you can sneak in, it might be fun. The animation style is pretty awesome until you get used to it and stop noticing. and don't do drugs before you go because they might trick you into thinking it's really good, and then you'll feel bad about yourself.
P.S. I know it's based on a book that I didn't mention, and maybe the movie makes more sense if you've read it, but I haven't read it and I never will and neither will any of my friends.
"I am so sick of these motherfuckin' losers repeating this motherfuckin' catchphrase!"
Lots of people hated Snakes on a Plane I guess, but they're wrong, it's totally awesome. It's really a lot harder to do kitsch like that than anyone realizes, and Snakes pulled it off expertly. "Oh, it's all hype." "It was totally cheap humor." "The CGI is terrible, those snakes looked like they came out of Super Pitfall."
Hype is fun if you don't think too highly of yourself to fall for it. When I went, I wore my awesome t-shirt (which, incidentally, was better than anyone else's because please, anybody can put a logo on a shirt, but mine actually had the snakes driving the [motherfuckin'] plane).
And anyway, I don't want to see any realistic snakes. I wanna see snakes do shit you know snakes can't do! I wanna see a big fuckin' anaconda eating a guy's head! Of course the CGI is bad...though Kenan Thompson's fat suit was pretty convincing. (I haven't seen him in anything since All That on Nickelodeon.)
I hate when people are all "I can't believe your going to pay $10 to see that movie, it's not going to be good." (They usually spell "you're" wrong when they say things like that.) Do you think I'm retarded and I need your genius mouth to tell me what I'm going to see? Oh yeah, right, I thought it was going to be an entertaining and enriching trip to the theatre (spelled the pretentious way). Good tasting and good for you. If you think you're too good for Snakes on a Plane then great I applaud your obviously learned taste in film, you obviosuly make more money and have more class than me, I don't have any class at all. So don't come, I didn't invite you anyway, I'll meet you afterwards at IFC and you can tell me all about that new artsy foreign film you probably didn't understand in the first place. And then you can explain to me why you paid $50 to see Titanic 8 times.
My second well-written and critically important movie review is about Little Miss Sunshine. Ok, so this movie really is good (in the quality sense) as well as being hilarious and having Toni Colette. It is very important that you stop whatever you are doing right now and go see it. My favorite part was when the guy said "Fuck" really loud. My other favorite part was the grandfather. My least favorite part was all the little girl beauty queens because they were disgusting, and I don't think they were exaggerated very much.
I considered writing something actually useful and thoughtful about this movie since I do have the capacity for that (like right here), but that takes time and whatever, it's just a movie. But there's lots to say, and all of it is good, so just take my word for it like you be doing already for everything else I ever say.
I like my new New York friend Stuart because he's way gayer than me and now I have someone to sashay up the stairs with.
So I was at this bar called Vlada, which was super cramped, and some guy knew Stu (ha ha, knew Stu... but don't call him Stu, I don't think he'd like it) from online or something, so he bought us both a drink and we stood and chatted with him and this other guy he was with, whatever. They're like in their 40's, though you never would have guessed, and the friend was super hot with these perfect arms. Turns out they weren't friends, they had just met. Whatever, that doesn't matter.
Anyway, my friend and I had to go to the bathroom after while, so we did and on the way out we decided to check on the two other people we came with because they're in from out of town but don't know eachother, which was weird, so ok fine. We go to the upstairs part and do that, and then the guy who bought us drinks came up and stood there talking to someone, whatever, so I go back to say hi again because he's super nice, but when I tapped him on the shoulder he totally turned on me and got all up in my face like "WTF THAT WAS SO RUDE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST WALKED AWAY I BOUGHT YOU A DRINK BITCH! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME BACK?"
Whoa. I've never been called bitch before except when it's funny. But ok, misunderstanding, I said "I am back, I'm right here. We weren't ditching you, see, our friends over there are from North Carolina and--" but he wasn't done having his hissy fit yet. My mistake. "NO! SHUT UP! YOU DO NOT SAY THAT! YOU APOLOGIZE!" "I'm trying to."
So he yelled some more and I just sort of stood there with a bemused look on my face thinking "I can't believe I'm getting chewed out by a gay guy at a bar." It felt like a rite of passage. I was also totally proud of myself for staying cool and not being intimidated. Anyway, not only was he bitchy, but also totally holier-than-thou because he said to me, and this is a direct quote: "I MAKE MORE MONEY AND HAVE MORE CLASS THAN YOU! YOU HAVE NO CLASS!" Ok, so maybe my Emily Post is an old edition, but who's the one throwing a temper tantrum in a bar? And of course you make more money than me. I'm 23 years old, I'll be making plenty by the time I hit my 40's. What's your masters degree in, bitch? Plus, hello, trust fund! But I didn't say that because, as you know, I have class. Instead, I smiled and said "You're right."
That pissed him off because it confused him, which was the point... confusion is the best way to make mad people madder. So then he was all "GET OUT OF MY FACE, I AM NEVER TALKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN!!!" And I said "Ok." And this bystander next to me was like "Is that a promise?" and became my new best friend so I gave him a smile and a friendly elbow jab that said "Oh, you're awful, I love you" so the bitchy man would notice that I had strangers on my side. And I said to my friend, "Well that was bracing" and we walked away.
And then I got to tell the story to the North Carolina boys, which was super fun. And I watched, and it seems the bitchy man was trying really hard to meet a man. Apparently the man with the arms wasn't interested, and I think the guy he was talking to upstairs snuck away during the tirade, I wonder why.
So the night continues and we're getting ready to go, and Stewie had gone to the bathroom, so we went to head him off and leave. But when he got there, he was talking to the bitchy man! What? Please be all chummy with the man who 30 minutes ago said he never wanted to talk to you ever again. (That was directed at both of us, see.) So I adopted my "What in the hell is this?" stance complete with my patented "Oh, please" eyebrows and just stared. When my friend noticed me he said and I said hi and then I looked at the man and said "Oh good, are we best friends again?" He said "I overreacted" and I said "Yeah ya did."
But I was still SO going to win this, so I changed my demeanor, stepped forward, shook his hand, and said "Thanks for the drink" in the most sincere, truce-making voice I could fake. Oh, and I looked him right in the eye. I was SUCH the bigger person. Even fucking Ghandi would have smacked him with his stick because oh please, how dare you pretend nothing happened so you can hit on my friend because you couldn't make it with anyone else you macked on. Because that's what was going on... the man was giving Stuart another shot. It was unbelievable. I still don't believe it.
Anyway, mad props to me for being awesome, as usual.
Yeah ok, so somebody totally linked to my Lady in the Water post (I found out on technorati) and then deleted my link, probably because she actually read what I wrote and realized how stupid it was.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I didn't really mean it when I said that people who like M. Night are retarded because Sixth Sense was totally good and only gets better and also, sometimes people just like things that I'll never understand like how my dad likes Castaway and I still let him be my dad, so whatever, I don't judge.
Also, if you wanna talk retarded, I'm the one that knows I'll hate them, but I keep going to see his movies anyway.
To conclude, everyone should go read Susan Hated Literature's review because it's more level-headed and useful than mine and I'm really glad we agree that the word narf is stupid and I bet if you ask, you can just call her Susan for short. Maybe I'll put her on my blogroll and announce it here because I'm a suck-up. Her blog is pretty, but mine is always the prettiest.
I have brown hair now.
It was supposed to come out more of an cool ash brown, but I guess the red in my hair is persistent or something because it's more of a chocolate, which I can live with. I couldn't get an appointment with Fiona because she is on vacation so I got Agnes instead. She is so the coolest ever. I'll tell you why in a second, 
Awesome at cutting my hair
German with awesome accent
Nice
Easy to talk to
So awesome at cutting my hair
Also, I need you all to know that I bought a little hat that makes me look scrappy, and I got it in two colors, though the following picture will depict neither of them.
P.S. I didn't screw with the picture up top there, my skin is really that clear today, so everyone come quick and have sex with me.
So that's what happens. First I see Anthony Rapp in Bryant Park, which was super cool. I was like "Ooh, people singing opera" which then became "Oh, people singing Rent." But then all of a sudden I walked behind the stage they were on and was like "Whoa, it's Hulk Hogan Anthony Rapp!"
So I hung 
I know, right, it's been over a week so here's a rundown:
Wednesday I didn't do anything. Same with Thursday. Big surprise, right? Friday I made a friend who is very short but has weird hair and cool sunglasses and is obviously a gay man because everyone I've been friends with for the past three years except one has been that. He works a block away, so we're lunch buddies now so yesterday we were in Bryant Park watching this pair of guys who were obviously on a first date and one was cute and the other probably used a flattering picture when they met on gay.com because he was kinda gross, and the cute one was all closed and then his phone rang and he sat on it for about half an hour probably saying "I'd tell you about the bad date I'm on, but he's sitting right here."
Anyway, nobody better go see Lady in the Water because it's the worst movie in all of history. I'm about to talk about how much this movie sucks and since none of you should see it, I'm going to ruin some parts of it so if you're retarded and really love M. Night Shayamalan and haven't seen this movie and don't want it ruined, you should go away and never visit my blog again. You can't ruin a movie that already sucks.
I was totally cheering for the dog made of grass. My favorite part was when the Chinese lady yelled a lot. My other favorite part was with the monkeys made of sticks. It was also pretty cool when the girl's hair went blonde for no reason because she looked better that way.
My least favorite part was how M. Night Shayamalan cast himself as a writer. And not just any writer, but a Chosen-One-fucking-messiah writer who was working on some sort of stupid manifesto that nobody in their right mind would publish in real life but in the movie it was going to like change the world or something, don't worry, I'm not giving away the ending. Right, M I'm sure, nice wishful thinking. Why don't you keep your stupid daydreams to yourself like the rest of us, do you see me going around making movies about how I'm this totally hot kick-ass actor/superhero/astronaut with lots of friends NO because I have a sense of reality.
There wasn't even a twist at the end. It worked out just like they said it would about 45 minutes earlier. Oh, and one guy died for some reason even though his character had no consequence in the movie whatsoever, but the scene was supposed to be clever but I was like fuck off, this was only clever in Scream like 10 years ago.
And everybody knows your middle name isn't Night you pretentious fartbomb, so just drop it and go open a convenience store or something. Not because he's indian but because I really want a giant sprite right now.
Today I had my first celebrity sighting ever and it was the best celebrity sighting of all time.
It wasn't Pikachu but look I found my camera (because I kinda lost it and forgot about it, but it turned up again). Anyway it was way better than pikachu because pokemon is totally gay, I can't even believe it's been around for ten years. Kids today really need to get a life.
I saw Hulk Hogan! He was totally having to be on stage at this pokemon function for some reason, but I saw him right before he got called on stage. I was behind the stage trying to get back to work and saw this guy, and I was like "Wow, that totally looks like Hulk Hogan but nah it can't be because Hulk Hogan dressed like that like 15 years ago and why the hell would he be here anyway, what like the Hulkster's gotta catch 'em all?"
But it was him and I kinda started laughing because I know if I were him back in the day thinking about where my my future, I would not want to see myself on stage in front of a giant inflatable cartoon character that should have died with pogs and my career. But I couldn't take a picture of him because I was too slow.
I also wanted to get a picture of pikachu from behind because I thought it was funny that he had no butt but there were too many kids playing some game boy pokemon tournament. Apparently child geekdom is sponsored now and those losers get to meet the Hulk because they play video games instead of go outside but I'm serious pikachu has no anus check it out though I guess it makes sense because otherwise he would deflate.
I updated my myspace profile tonight. That's pretty much the most exciting thing I did this evening, unless you count the two stacks of saltines I devoured.
Also, for the record, if I hang out with you once and then you call and I don't call you back and then you call again and I don't call you back, take the hint. Three months later when you see me online, you should not be asking why I never called you back. There is a reason, and I will spell it out for you.
I'm kind of in a bad mood. I think I need a nap and to stop eating piles of carbs after midnight.
Today I discovered podcasts. Yes, today. Despite what you may infer from my innovative, hi-tech, handmade blog template, I'm always one step behind the rest of my generation concerning Web 2.0. I downloaded iTunes for the first time in May. I clicked the podcast button today.
Well like anyone else who endeavors to explore something with a trendy name like "podcast", I now figure myself a total expert. I subscribe to NPR's All Songs Considered, which I used to only listen to once every few months when I remembered to check the website. I also subscribed to a classical music thing that played Ravel for me today and a Celtic music one that's super-long.... and, geekily, the American Library Association Library 2.0 series.
No news, don't be silly. Why should I use technology for anything worthwhile?
Anyway, I'm totally addicted, but I'm sure I'll get over it soon after I subscribe to more things than I have time to listen to because this is what I do. Right, but the point is that I have nothing to talk about. I seriously have to stop being the boringest person ever. This evening, I am doing laundry. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. That'll be nice... get outta the house for a while.... I can make a night of it.... I'm cool....
