I like my new New York friend Stuart because he's way gayer than me and now I have someone to sashay up the stairs with.
So I was at this bar called Vlada, which was super cramped, and some guy knew Stu (ha ha, knew Stu... but don't call him Stu, I don't think he'd like it) from online or something, so he bought us both a drink and we stood and chatted with him and this other guy he was with, whatever. They're like in their 40's, though you never would have guessed, and the friend was super hot with these perfect arms. Turns out they weren't friends, they had just met. Whatever, that doesn't matter.
Anyway, my friend and I had to go to the bathroom after while, so we did and on the way out we decided to check on the two other people we came with because they're in from out of town but don't know eachother, which was weird, so ok fine. We go to the upstairs part and do that, and then the guy who bought us drinks came up and stood there talking to someone, whatever, so I go back to say hi again because he's super nice, but when I tapped him on the shoulder he totally turned on me and got all up in my face like "WTF THAT WAS SO RUDE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST WALKED AWAY I BOUGHT YOU A DRINK BITCH! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME BACK?"
Whoa. I've never been called bitch before except when it's funny. But ok, misunderstanding, I said "I am back, I'm right here. We weren't ditching you, see, our friends over there are from North Carolina and--" but he wasn't done having his hissy fit yet. My mistake. "NO! SHUT UP! YOU DO NOT SAY THAT! YOU APOLOGIZE!" "I'm trying to."
So he yelled some more and I just sort of stood there with a bemused look on my face thinking "I can't believe I'm getting chewed out by a gay guy at a bar." It felt like a rite of passage. I was also totally proud of myself for staying cool and not being intimidated. Anyway, not only was he bitchy, but also totally holier-than-thou because he said to me, and this is a direct quote: "I MAKE MORE MONEY AND HAVE MORE CLASS THAN YOU! YOU HAVE NO CLASS!" Ok, so maybe my Emily Post is an old edition, but who's the one throwing a temper tantrum in a bar? And of course you make more money than me. I'm 23 years old, I'll be making plenty by the time I hit my 40's. What's your masters degree in, bitch? Plus, hello, trust fund! But I didn't say that because, as you know, I have class. Instead, I smiled and said "You're right."
That pissed him off because it confused him, which was the point... confusion is the best way to make mad people madder. So then he was all "GET OUT OF MY FACE, I AM NEVER TALKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN!!!" And I said "Ok." And this bystander next to me was like "Is that a promise?" and became my new best friend so I gave him a smile and a friendly elbow jab that said "Oh, you're awful, I love you" so the bitchy man would notice that I had strangers on my side. And I said to my friend, "Well that was bracing" and we walked away.
And then I got to tell the story to the North Carolina boys, which was super fun. And I watched, and it seems the bitchy man was trying really hard to meet a man. Apparently the man with the arms wasn't interested, and I think the guy he was talking to upstairs snuck away during the tirade, I wonder why.
So the night continues and we're getting ready to go, and Stewie had gone to the bathroom, so we went to head him off and leave. But when he got there, he was talking to the bitchy man! What? Please be all chummy with the man who 30 minutes ago said he never wanted to talk to you ever again. (That was directed at both of us, see.) So I adopted my "What in the hell is this?" stance complete with my patented "Oh, please" eyebrows and just stared. When my friend noticed me he said and I said hi and then I looked at the man and said "Oh good, are we best friends again?" He said "I overreacted" and I said "Yeah ya did."
But I was still SO going to win this, so I changed my demeanor, stepped forward, shook his hand, and said "Thanks for the drink" in the most sincere, truce-making voice I could fake. Oh, and I looked him right in the eye. I was SUCH the bigger person. Even fucking Ghandi would have smacked him with his stick because oh please, how dare you pretend nothing happened so you can hit on my friend because you couldn't make it with anyone else you macked on. Because that's what was going on... the man was giving Stuart another shot. It was unbelievable. I still don't believe it.
Anyway, mad props to me for being awesome, as usual.
Dude, no one is gayer than you.
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