Homophone
Reader E-Mail
I got a reader e-mail yesterday with a picture attached.
from: t**** ******
to: fivepointsfromgryffindor at gmail dot com
date: Apr 29, 2008 2:40 PM
subject: blog reader
and fan of course!!! i found this pic while surfing the internets for some porn i have yet to see and found this pic. is it you and is that how you secretly afford to live the high brow lifestyle in nyc? jus kidding of course, but use it to your advantage freely. good luck with ur job (search) in chicago, my fav u.s. big city!!!!
Here is a link to the NSFW pic.
Dear T,
No that is fucking not me, here is how you can tell:
1. My hair has never been that lanky and gross and rooty. I recolor it frequently and blow dry it every day!
2. I do NOT have skinny pale legs!
3. That kid has no ass and I have a gigantic ass.
Lastly. My features are more aristocratic. Also, I don't kiss because it distorts my face just like how girls weren't allowed to play the flute in the 18th century because it uglied them up.
Ok, I made up the last part. Anyway, thanks for thinking of me during your porn time, but next time you want to compare me to someone, check for no butt and pasty chicken legs and non-salon-quality sprouts. Are you in New York? We should probably have sex so you know better what to look for.
Maybe that was your goal in the first place. My friend wants to know if you're a foreigner.
Regards
2H
More Than Meets the Eye
I named my penis!
Yeah, welcome to Douchebag Blog, I am your host. Naming your penis is retarded, mostly because most people give their penises stupid names like Spike or name them after themselves. I even had a guy once invoke the name of his penis during sex, which has got to be the biggest turn-off of all time.
Anyway, I'm not like that, I gave my penis and awesome name and I will never say it at inappropriate times, nor will I think it makes me manlier. My penis' new name is Ogleboss.
If you keep up with my deluge of comments (because of immense popularity) you know that that's the name a 4-year-old gave to my mini-slinky. Matthew writes:
That's great that you let a 4 year old name your cock.
That's not how it went down. Basically, the kid named the slinky and then stretched it out as far as he cool and started saying "Look how long I can get! I am the longest in the world! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"
It was totally disturbing, but it was then that my brain said "It is come. The name of your penis shall be Ogleboss the Transformer."
The Transformer because my penis is really tiny when it's not all big.
Anyway, now I am a douchebag too and must find further ways to exercise my douchebaggery.
Ogleboss likes the way you move tonight.
Children!
Updates: I'm out of Luna Bars, they never get better, it's Take Your Spawn to Work Day, and I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow for reasons I can't tell the Internet about. Here's a hint: it rhymes with schmob splinterview. I'm starting to get smervous about it.
YELLOW!
But back to more pressing matters: My work is crawling with children today. It's rather gross. Luckily, the only on in my work area is also the only one that I like. He is my coworker's kid (obvs) and he is 4 and "drew" me a "picture" of some sort of giant-headed leopard "pokemon". He also colored me a picture of Disney's Pluto about to attack and viciously devour a grinning ostrich. It says "Ostriches can't fly, but they can run very fast." I added "BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH!"
I don't know what it is about kids that I don't get, but I don't get them. This one likes to tell me about all the animals he saw at the San Diego Zoo, but whenever I try to interject something, he doesn't give a shit! I talk about chipmunks and skunks and my kitty cat and all I get in return is "Oh. And I saw elephants and tigers and it went RAHR!" He gives a shit when OTHER people talk but never when I talk. However, I also think I'm his favorite. Favorite enough that he tried to hand me a dirty napkin. I went "Eew!" and I think he was hurt. WTF?
Despite the affection, however, I got a pencil thrown at me when his mom and I were doing our daily crossword and ignoring him, but you can't say to a 4-year-old "You little fucker! Unless you can tell me a 4-letter word that means 'ess-molding' we don't need you!" Or can you?
(The answer is ogee. It's a good one to remember.)
Anyway, I'm a failure at children. The 4-year-old also knows more animals and speaks more languages than me and will probably grow up to be a lot hotter too so I'm also a failure at life the end.
OMG he stole my good pen!
Ah.... Wasn't this fun?
I have a friend in from out of town this weekend. He's coming today, right, and so starting Tuesday I did this SUPER INTENSE HOUSE CLEANING that was so hardcore it needs to be expressed in caps lock.
Houseguests usually require only B-Level Cleaning, but for some reason this week I got totally obsessed and upgraded it to A-Level. If you're wondering what the levels of cleaning are, they are as follows:
A-Level Cleaning -- SUPER INTENSE HOUSE CLEANING meaning going through everything and throwing away half your clothes and many of your belongings, totaling at least 8 garbage bags. I did 9 this time. Also everything gets scrubbed and vacuumed (even the TV) and the cat will probably hide for a couple days and refuse to sleep with you and instead wander around the house crying at 3 a.m. because it's so INTENSE! Requires many refrains of 'Happy Working Song' and possible furry animal assistants. Suitable for spring cleaning and OCD.
B-Level Cleaning -- Your general good clean. Wiping stuff down, dusting, cleaning up extra crap. Moderate garbage bag disposal. Suitable for houseguests, parental visits, and social services.
C-Level Cleaning -- General purpose tidying. Perhaps vacuuming all the cat hair off the couch. Suitable for post-third-date romantic partners who you know are beyond judging you and also for keeping general order in your life. Usu. performed at least weekly unless you're me.
D-Level Cleaning -- Faux cleaning. This involves shoving crap under the bed and kicking dust bunnies into corners and under the couch. Also "Dusting by Hand." Suitable for sudden hookups and Super Bowl Parties if you're gross.
E-Level Cleaning -- Turning off the lights.
Anyway, the cleaning has been so intense that I'm not even done, and when I get home today I'm doing another load of laundry or two and cleaning the bathroom, which I haven't even started. I like cleaning the bathroom, though, so it'll go quickly. Secretly pray with me that his plane is late.
The best part about ALC is all the neat stuff you find (and probably throw away.) I found a fish pen, my cat's favorite toy from like a year ago, a pretzel rod (in tact), about $10 in change, my copy of The Little Prince I thought was gone forever, the Beethoven Symphonies reduced for piano and cut into pieces for an art project I did 2 years ago, and a Game Cube that you can have for free if you want to come to my house and pick it up. There's treasure everywhere! Except the pretzel rod.
Anyway, all I'm saying is that my houseguest had better appreciate it even though he has no idea what the place looked like before. I should have let him sleep in my disgusting, grimy, furry, stank apartment for a night and then done it so he'd know the toil I have suffered for his comfort even though I know I already said it wasn't for him because he only requires BLC and I'm like SO HAPPY about it that it doesn't even matter what anybody else thinks because I feel like a grown up now.
This is the laundry room.
The only problem with all the cleaning is that my house feels really sterile and foreign now, much like Mars. It's got none of my trademark whatever. 'Oh how strange a place to be / 'til Colin comes for me / my heart is sighing....' Ok, it's me and this annoying song in my head for the next three weeks, get ready to want to punch me.
Flaming
Anyone wanna be victimized?? Get your internalized homophobia here, folks! Apparently I've got some problems.
So that MRSA article photo from yesterday was featured on Towleroad today and most people thought it was pretty cool, but a couple people took issue with the caption, which ended "I hate to think this is all he knows about my lifestyle." 'John in Manhattan' writes:
"lifestyle"? TooHotty is clueless.
Yes, of course. How silly of me to choose my own word.
Anyway John in Manhattan learned on the GLAAD website that the phrase "gay lifestyle" is offensive, and despite my explanation that I didn't say "gay lifestyle", but rather "my lifestyle" to mean "the way I live my life", he seems to think I suffer from internalized homophobia.
I love being flamed on the internet, but this one was tame. There was a better one a few months back when an opera website linked to a passing and entirely facetious statement I made about a reviewer being pretentious, and they all got mad at me, again labeling me as this "clueless" typical young shallow gay kid. I get that a lot, which is so weird because my blog is SO TOTALLY FULL OF SUBSTANCE AND INSIGHT!
Anyway, you can read the comment thread if you want. You'll notice my new boyfriend Crispy stood up for me a couple times. That's pretty cool.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a shower and tidy my apartment because later I'm going out to beat up some queers.
Everything is Illuminated
Check out what I got in the mail yesterday along with a generous check.
Usually SCOTT DADs are just checks with a piece of paper that says "SCOTT DAD" but this one had a news clipping in it.
It's weird because since I came out 11 years ago, my dad hasn't once mentioned my sexuality or said the word "gay." It kinda bothers me that this might be the only thing he understands about my lifestyle. Anyway I'm going to call him and tell him I have an itchy rash.
In other news I've been really tired lately and take 2-hour naps every day. Don't be jealous. It actually sucks because I have to clean my apartment for The Architect to come tomorrow but I didn't. I bought him his favorite things to drink, though, so I'm hoping he'll be SO HAPPY with his XXX Vitamin Water that he turns a blind eye to my slovenly ways and also forgives me for sleeping through our date.
Now I'm eating mango sorbet and watching Everything is Illuminated because I don't clean after 9:00 and I'm 20 minutes into it. It's trying way too hard to be quirky. Elijah Wood's character is especially annoying but what else is new?
Ok, now I'm 33 minutes into it and it's better.
April Drools Day
OMG I LOVE YOUR HAIR TODAY APRIL FOOLS I ACTUALLY HATE IT!
April Fool's Day is probably the stupidest thing ever invented. Nonetheless, Sister Hotty is convinced that when she goes to buy the Alvin and the Chipmunks DVD, they're gonna say "April Fools, it's not really being released today!" Personally, I think that's just fine and I kinda hope it really happens so maybe she'll get something that doesn't suck so hard, but chances are slim. Incidentally, she says thanks for the birthday greetings to the ONE of you that got them in on time.
Here's another April Fool's joke. I am pretty.
APRIL FOOLS I AM ACTUALLY UGLY AND FULL OF HOLES!
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