Failblog

Today at lunch I spilled my drink all over the place, which was really embarassing. Luckily, the girl next to me was super nice and gave me her napkin, which I in turn gave to the mother of the child I spilled my drink all over. Stupid everything.

Moving on, the saddest part about having no life is that I also have no blog. Yesterday I sat at home all day because my friend didn't call me back. Saturday I sat at home all day because it was yucky out and I didn't feel like going furniture browsing. I want fun!

I did go to a birthday party Saturday night for my friend Heather. Her apartment's awesome, naturally, and I sat in the corner by the bar and everyone would come over and talk to me Bert. That worked out nicely. He's good to have around because he will make all of my friends for me and all I have to do is sit there and eat food.

Speaking of sitting there and eating food, that's all I've been doing lately. Twice last week did I have dinner twice. Starvation diet starts now so I can be sexy on pride day and get all the boys.

Speaking of pride day, maybe it'll be fun and put some excitement into my life of Smallville and nachos.

Oh and I'm moving next week!... or starting to. So that'll be fun since I found out I'm moving one block from my boss!

2009 will be my year. For me. Mine.

Mother heifer, the year is over and I have once again failed to achieve any of my goals. Money? Uncheck. Love? Uncheck. Pony? This close!

I did get a lot of D this year, which none of you want to know about, and I furthermore spent a lot of money on books and clothes, both of which are arranged by color in my pauper's apartment. Paupartment, if you will. Will you?

My last goal of the year was to write a 2008 Year in Review, but there's really nothing to review.

Favorite album of the year: Something from the '90's.
Favorite TV show of the year: Something from the '90's.
Favorite movie of the year: Mean Girls again.

No, not even Batman.

What's to reflect on? Same little apartment, same bonehead job, same sense that I'm too weird to hold a lover. It's not a mindset that makes looking back a gay romp. I'm not normally one for that sort of depressive introspection, but for some reason this season is filled with my first-ever feeling of New Year's Guilt and Regret.

SO! In honor of the occasion, I hereby declare myself "Approaching 30." Ooooooooooh! Clock's ticking, dude!

I don't know what I want besides a change, and I have a good feeling I'll get one. I'm looking to move in April, which is a start, so hopefully having an actual bedroom will make me feel like I've made something of my life. Maybe I'll spring for one with a bathtub and some counter space.

Stupid rut. I diagnose myself brunches, dates, professional conferences, dinner parties, and maybe an orgy. There's really nothing to be done except getting off my ass and back into the world. And perhaps an internal change is in order as well... like not hating people by default. Yeah, I'll start with that.

2009 is going to be a good year. I can tell. Not even this depressing Emiliana Torrini song on my iPod can make me think otherwise even though she just called me a bleeder. So here's to a happy, healthy, peaceful, progressive, and enlightening year for you and your loves ones! And especially for me.

Children!

Updates: I'm out of Luna Bars, they never get better, it's Take Your Spawn to Work Day, and I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow for reasons I can't tell the Internet about. Here's a hint: it rhymes with schmob splinterview. I'm starting to get smervous about it.

YELLOW!

But back to more pressing matters: My work is crawling with children today. It's rather gross. Luckily, the only on in my work area is also the only one that I like. He is my coworker's kid (obvs) and he is 4 and "drew" me a "picture" of some sort of giant-headed leopard "pokemon". He also colored me a picture of Disney's Pluto about to attack and viciously devour a grinning ostrich. It says "Ostriches can't fly, but they can run very fast." I added "BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH!"

I don't know what it is about kids that I don't get, but I don't get them. This one likes to tell me about all the animals he saw at the San Diego Zoo, but whenever I try to interject something, he doesn't give a shit! I talk about chipmunks and skunks and my kitty cat and all I get in return is "Oh. And I saw elephants and tigers and it went RAHR!" He gives a shit when OTHER people talk but never when I talk. However, I also think I'm his favorite. Favorite enough that he tried to hand me a dirty napkin. I went "Eew!" and I think he was hurt. WTF?

Despite the affection, however, I got a pencil thrown at me when his mom and I were doing our daily crossword and ignoring him, but you can't say to a 4-year-old "You little fucker! Unless you can tell me a 4-letter word that means 'ess-molding' we don't need you!" Or can you?

(The answer is ogee. It's a good one to remember.)

Anyway, I'm a failure at children. The 4-year-old also knows more animals and speaks more languages than me and will probably grow up to be a lot hotter too so I'm also a failure at life the end.

OMG he stole my good pen!