Updates: I'm out of Luna Bars, they never get better, it's Take Your Spawn to Work Day, and I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow for reasons I can't tell the Internet about. Here's a hint: it rhymes with schmob splinterview. I'm starting to get smervous about it.
But back to more pressing matters: My work is crawling with children today. It's rather gross. Luckily, the only on in my work area is also the only one that I like. He is my coworker's kid (obvs) and he is 4 and "drew" me a "picture" of some sort of giant-headed leopard "pokemon". He also colored me a picture of Disney's Pluto about to attack and viciously devour a grinning ostrich. It says "Ostriches can't fly, but they can run very fast." I added "BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH!"
I don't know what it is about kids that I don't get, but I don't get them. This one likes to tell me about all the animals he saw at the San Diego Zoo, but whenever I try to interject something, he doesn't give a shit! I talk about chipmunks and skunks and my kitty cat and all I get in return is "Oh. And I saw elephants and tigers and it went RAHR!" He gives a shit when OTHER people talk but never when I talk. However, I also think I'm his favorite. Favorite enough that he tried to hand me a dirty napkin. I went "Eew!" and I think he was hurt. WTF?
Despite the affection, however, I got a pencil thrown at me when his mom and I were doing our daily crossword and ignoring him, but you can't say to a 4-year-old "You little fucker! Unless you can tell me a 4-letter word that means 'ess-molding' we don't need you!" Or can you?
(The answer is ogee. It's a good one to remember.)
Anyway, I'm a failure at children. The 4-year-old also knows more animals and speaks more languages than me and will probably grow up to be a lot hotter too so I'm also a failure at life the end.
OMG he stole my good pen!