The Breasts of Mortal Kombat

Dudes, I'm gonna tell you right now this one is about video games. You have been warned.

Anyway, has anyone played the new Mortal Kombat yet? I got it earlier this week because my Rybrarian friend made me buy it

I've never been the fighting game type, but turns out I can kick some ass. So far, I am nigh unstoppable as Sonya "Pink Ranger" Blade and Queen "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" Sindel. (I generally play as women.)

But I love it. It handles well, it's attractive and detailed, and even I -- a MK neophyte -- identify with the nostalgia dripping from the story mode.

That's not what this post is about, though. This post is about the one major objection I have to the new Mortal Kombat: the boobs.

Now, I'm not here to talk about the gargantuan proportions. This is video games, and the topic has been done to death. I'm just happy that at least one plastic surgeon found a market in the demonic Outworld. Those ladies need false self-confidence too. (Speaking of Outworld beauty, razor-toothed half-demon-thing Mileena has an adorable do. That stylist must have some big, brass testes. I'm thinking Tabatha Coffey.)

I'm also not going to complain about the practical issues of a giant-chested woman moving, jumping, and punching with narry a nip slip. No, the problem I have with those boobs is that they're all exactly the same... and they don't move!

First off, if you're designing women after adolescent boy sex fantasies, that's fine. To be honest, I actually like the aesthetic even though my preferred MK bedfellow is a coked out Johnny Cage. But you can't alienate all your small boob lovers out there (and I know you're out there.) I would love to have seen just one nymph-like physique in the cast. I vote Jade, I guess. Or, hey, what about an unlockable? There's Cyber Sub Zero, so why not Reduction Kitana?

And then there's the rigidness. I mean, ok, the concept of jiggle physics is a joke at this point, but if you're going to design a desert arena where the shuffling of the fighters actually affects the sand at their feet, you might as well have a little movement in the chest region. I guarantee you not one of those outfits has any built in support, yet the breasts are like rocks. When one of those women is knocked to the floor after being beaten to death with her own tibias, the globes on her chest being at full attention is just... disturbing.

Where's the sex appeal in that?

Here They Are My Pokémon!

Ok I know it's a very long time coming, but I have some wonderful news. First of all, I have started watching Xena: Warrior Princess once again. I started over from the beginning to revisit all the classic episodes, but this time I plan to proceed through Season 4 to the end. Holy crap, I just hiccuped while drinking cold coffee and it went up my nose. I feel like I'm drowning, it's disgusting, Christ you guys!

My second piece of good news is that it is finally time for you to start hearing all about my Pokémon. So obviously I am playing the new Pokémon (I got the black version), and it turns out that texting my boyfriend every time I catch a new Pokémon and telling him its type and what I named it is not satisfying enough. I need to tell the world.

I'm only a few hours into the game, and I've got maybe 25 little animals. They are all awesome. If you are playing Pokémon yourself, I would like you to not be sad that my animals are way better than yours.

Anyway, at the very beginning of the journey, you have to choose your starting Pokémon from a selection of a grass-type, a water-type, and a fire-type. In the franchise's history, fire-type Pokémon tend to be hardest to come by -- a statistic I have much shame in knowing -- so I chose the fire pig Tepig. See? Here he is:

I named my Tepig Pigglesby because "Mr. Pigglesworth" was too long for the game's 10-character limit. (n.b. 'Tepig' is the thing's breed, not its name -- I don't know why the species are capitalized.) Anyway, Pigglesby looks adorable, but he's actually an A-1 ass-kicker. I love him. Here's a comment about Tepig I left on a blog post before the game came out (yes fine I commented about Pokémon on a blog ok it was ONE TIME!):

I like Tepig for his apparent rejection of the fire-type tropes. The vague orange coloring, piddly yellow flame, and a name that's a pun on 'lukewarm' belie his evolutionary future as a fire-collared, ass-kicking luchador.

Nobody said anything about my comment probably because it encompasses their feelings so perfectly. It's true, too! Pigglesby already became a JV wrestler when he evolved into a Pignite!

That's what he looks like now. Try to restrain yourselves, ladies. Pigglesby's only interested in his career right now.

Ok now you get to meet two Pokémon that haven't left my party (i.e. the ones I use to beat up other Pokémon) because they manage to kick the ass of anything. First is the Timburr, a muscular Pokémon I named T. Dalton after the immortal star of License to Kill and the 1983 television serial Jane Eyre:

You can see the resemblance, I'm sure. The species Timburr is the only Pokémon I can think of that smacks things around with a giant plank of wood. T. Dalton has almost never lost a fight since I caught him in the bushes. The one thing I don't like about T. is that he will eventually evolve into a roided out nightmare ogre, but until that happens, he is my super sexiest team member. This is another one to stay away from, though, ladies. T. Dalton is a notorious racist, and I'm pretty sure he hates women too.

And last, my other favorite Pokémon is my Tympole, a tadpole Pokémon. I named her Topanga because she is adorable and also because in every Pokémon game I have ever played, I've had a Topanga. Here she is:

Whoops! That's not her! Sorry, I have so many files marked "topanga.jpg" on my computer that I got confused.

There we go. Topanga is a water-type Pokémon, so the best thing about her is that even though she's tiny and needs some eyebrow work, she can kick the ass of Pigglesby whenever he starts with his macho backtalk bullshit. She's an easy one to underestimate. For some reason -- even against Pokémon better than her -- Topanga will step up and tear a bitch down.

Despite her oceans of raw power, however, Topanga never forgets her favorite things about being a girl. She loves going to the beach and hanging out with her friends like at the beach and stuff and doing beach karaoke, but her favorite thing ever is wearing bikinis at the beach. Topanga has 10 bikinis. I haven't told her that one day she is going to turn into a creepy frog that no man will ever look at no matter what Disney tells her.

Ok that's enough for today I think. I'm really excited to have lost half my readership by talking nonstop about fucking Pokémon, and I can't wait to alienate even more of you tomorrow!

Things I Am Into Right Now

Not talking about Starbucks every two seconds.

Yeah I don't even go every day anymore. Now that I got my mayorship back, it's lost some of its allure. Also Latte Boy is never around and Gay Latte Boy is very hot and cold with me. I'm not sure what I did.

Minecraft

None of you care about nerdy video games, but I've been playing this off and on for many months now (I'm an alpha adopter, ladies) and I just love it. It's basically a sandbox where you dig and scrounge for materials and make stupid shit and fight monsters. I have a base carved into a mountain and an indoor tree farm and an aquarium with nothing in it and a wall of fire that automatically kills cows and sheep for me and a tower with a giant ball of lava at the top that took me 9 hours to build and now I'm working on a secret library you have to swim up a waterfall to discover what no I go outside all the time and have lots of friends shut up.

Epic Meal Time

This is my newest YouTube subscription.

Cory, this is how I'm going to kill you. (Readers, Cory is allergic to meat or should I say he is allergic to being a man.)

The Hunger Games

Dudes, you have got to read this book. It's totally ridiculous, and I approached it with serious trepidation, but it's so good I read the first 300 pages in one sitting. You have to suspend a fair amount of disbelief, but Ms. Suzanne Collins hits a lot of good notes here.

Everybody at work talking really loud so I can't concentrate all day

I'm so into it, you guys.

Camisole Wars

I know none of you care about video games, but I need you all to click on this link to the site for an upcoming game and tell me how this man is not wearing a woman's top.

Seriously. Other features of the drawing: Balls Outline.

Don't click on "Enter Site"; it starts singing because it is still 1998 and websites that sing without warning are still cool just like custom cursors, midi files, animated gifs, and frames.

Next time I will tell you about Thanksgiving. Right now I don't feel too good.

Guys in Cheesy Professional Training Videos I Would Bang, Part 1

Remember FuncoLand? It's GameStop now. More importantly, did any of you work there in 1998? Because apparently you had to watch this drecky, overproduced training video to be a sales rep.

As training videos go, it's pretty good, actually. I remember working at the Buckle (yeah) the thing I had to watch had not creativity to it at all. Anyway, Adam, if you're out there, let me know how your acting career is going and maybe we can get together, yeah?

Oh and if you're wondering about the thrilling conclusion, here's the second part. (Seriously, I kinda got into this by the time he was collecting his second letter.)

Anyway, the point of this blog is that Adam is adorable, and I could watch him clean N64 games all day. I'm pretty sure that dad in the orange feels the same way.

Nerdblog

Last night I was supposed to go to this party. The (why am I admitting this?) Sunnydale High School 10-Year Class Reunion. In case you have a life outside of decade-old television, Sunnydale High is not MY high school, but that of Buffy (the vampire slayer), who graduated at the end of the third season (i.e. June of 1999).

I didn't go because it was sold out because I have better things to do, but that's ok because I heard it was lame.

What I did instead was stay home and play this awesome little video game called Braid by Jonathan Blow. Yeah, Blow.

I can imagine in high school on substitute teacher day: "Blow, Jonathan." "Don't mind if I do!" ... yeah remember how I am 5?

Anyway it's a platformer, and in it you're this guy (Tim) who goes to different worlds collecting puzzle pieces for some reason with the ultimate goal of saving a princess. But you also have the power to reverse time, so if you screw up or die, you don't start over, you just go back. It's a neat mechanic, and it comes into play a lot in puzzle solving. Other worlds have different time-oriented powers like dropping a localized time flux that slows things down inside of it. In another, time goes forward when you walk right and backwards when you walk left.

Blah, I'm not gonna sit here talking forever about a video game, but it's super cool and you all need to play it immediately. (Srsly, it's very short, like a couple hours.) It's a total-package kinda thing, something you don't find very often. The graphics, the esoteric story, the music, all of it comes together to make the more unique gaming experience I've had in a long time. Eat your heart out, post-apocalyptic first-person-shooter of the moment!

In conclusion, go to that god-awful Perez Hilton site and watch Joe Jonas dancing to All My Single Ladies. Or just watch it here.

Oh wait, this guy too.

Eat your heart out, Xtube!

Here I am!

Anyway my coworker on maternity leave came in Monday and gave my other coworker two big boxes of those Luna Bars "nutrition bars for women" that I call Breast Bars because I'm convinced if I eat enough, they'll make me grow breasts and that's what I'm trying to do. They're really gross.

Thanks, princess_of_llyr!

We have Cookies 'n Cream and Chai Tea flavors. Why a company would make a nutrition bar chai-flavored is something you can figure out on your own. All I know is that it tastes nothing like chai and everything like nothing.

I'm pretty sure Clif Bars are Luna Bars for men, but they can't say that because you know how women get when men try to have something of their own.

Clif Bars are disgusting too. Cardboard isn't supposed to have such an afterdistastefulness, and it makes me mad because I'm determined to get through those Luna Bars if it kills me. GYAH! Ok, I just wanted to get that off my chest... y'know, to make room for the breasts.

What else can we talk about? Oh I know! I was sick on Monday so I stayed home all day playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I know it's been a while since I've mentioned it on here, but I'm pretty much a total loser. Anyway I'm the best at that game there ever was except my friend Kev who kicks my ass a lot when we play online.

Yes. I now play video games with people online but you can't make TOO much fun of me because I'm not ruining my marriage by masquerading as a brooding half-elf druid for 18 hours a day and flirting with fat 14-year-old boys because they chose a female avatar. And I don't play fucking Second Life either.

When you play SSBB online you can write your own taunts, which is pretty fun. There's something of a dirty thrill in making Princess Toadstool dance around yelling "Touch my butt!"

Isn't it great that I can disappear from the Internet for over a week and the entire update consists of "I played video games and ate girl food"? Oh, and I didn't get hit on again unless you count this guy in my DREAMS:

Watch this!

Saturday posting! Weird. I know! Anyway, I want to share a video that embodies two things I did in high school: marching and playing Tetris.

Please ignore how bad they are.

Ganked from: East Village Idiot

Dedicated to: Kev (P.S. 74!)

There is no pun that's not been overused already.

Goodbye social life, hello Vitamin D deficiency! I just bought a Wii!

Y'know how they're impossible to find? Well I have a friend who works at Pokemon, a connection I never thought I'd have use for, but he called Nintendo World and name dropped for me, so they held a Wii today for me to get at lunch! I got Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Paper Mario, and most importantly, Harry Potter! I used to be scared my neighbors would hear me having sex and think I was gross, but NOW all they will hear is "REDUCTO! STUPIFY!" and especially "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!" because I am Ginny Weasley.

But seriously. Srsly. My friend just told me you can buy old Nintendo games for super cheap because the Wii automagically finds your wireless internet connection. You can even check the weather! I really hope they have Bubble Bobble because Lord knows I haven't heard that inane theme song enough billion times in my life. I will also buy Tetris because Nintendo Tetris is the only version worth anything.

Frustration

Ok, I know this is 20 minutes long and EXTREMELY dorky, but this guy made me laugh a billion times.

Anyone know where he found this?