Celebrity Hard-On: May 2008

Last night I watched a shitty movie called Zerophilia in which this not-quite-cute-enough guy who's a douchebag has this genetic disorder where he turns into a girl when he has sex. And then he turns into a boy if he has sex again. It's a cute idea made shitty by being realized as a cheap romantic comedy that's neither romantic nor comical. My favorite part was sexy Kyle Schmid, this month's Celebrity Hard-On, whose illustrious acting credits include that Blood Ties show about vampires and an episode of Degrassi.

Here he is looking hot:

Here he is making me jealous of his hair:

Anyway, he's pretty much beautiful and has the most perfect body, so today I went to the gym so I can be just like him. It didn't really work, but I feel good about it anyway. Maybe by the end of the week I'll have an acting career too. I hope to be in an episode of Blood Ties as well, followed by a brief 4 or 5 episode run in Gossip Girl before moving on to Cinemax softcore porn. When I hit my thirties, I will be appearing in Lifetime Original Movies alongside Amy Jo Johnson, whom I will force to sign all my Power Rangers paraphernalia.

Ok that's all that's new with me lately except that also I kick ass at Mario Kart Wii.

Celebrity Hard-On: February 2008

On the right...

Hey does anybody remember when Hanson was popular? Yeah, it was about the same time Joey Fatone was attractive, so just shy of never. Sadly, with a series of not-quite-hits and a fandom that does not age along with them, one of Hanson's late-blooming but only assets has developed silently beneath the radar.

That asset is the Hotness of Taylor Hanson.

The first person to whom I confessed this secret lusting (my friend Sam) thought I was crazy and that Taylor Hanson is going the way of Donald Trump. Yes, with the sexy blonde (real) hair, angular features, smooth skin and fuck-me eyes, Donald Trump really does have a simliar appeal to the middle Hanson kid. :-\ Seriously, if anyone can see the resemblance, PLZ speak up.

... left...

For the rest of us, I suggest we sit back and gaze upon Taylor's dirty-ish sexiness. It's the kind of sexiness that would make out with you at the back of an indie rock concert or squeeze your knee while having boring shop conversations with fellow musicians to remind you he knows you're there and will have lots of sex with you later to make up for ignoring you now. It's hot without having that Fruity Microbrew look that's just so awful.

Try to forget that he's been married for a while and has like 19 children already. It ruins the image, but not too much because fatherhood is sexy. Fact. I can prove it: a) it means a man is virile, and b) pregnancy doesn't make men fat. It only makes women fat.

The major drawback to Taylor Hanson is that he's so often pictured with his brothers, Horseyface and the Fat Kid. I'm gonna suggest you crop them in Photoshop or draw smileys over the faces in MS Paint before adding those shots to your little folder of hot guy pics I know you all have on your computers.

I know Taylor Hanson may not be everybody's first choice for a celebrity bone, but you can't deny that he gives you a tiny bit of that down-low tickle. Am I wrong?

... and center.

Nick Hogan is a Douchebag

Hi everyone! I hope all your Thanksgivings were as fattening as mine! Highlights include: turkey AND ham on Thursday. Not one but two lasagnas on Friday. Steak AND lobster on Saturday. McDonalds AND Arby's on Sunday. The entire weekend was a gastronomic onslaught to rival the Great Binge of '03. It's about time. My "I Ate the Big One" t-shirt got destroyed in the wash.

Speaking of destruction and big things, I'm finally back home in New York where my internet history is not saved on any friend's computer, so I am free to do the important research to which my academic mind is accustomed. I like to learn a new thing every day. Today, I learned that the single cultural icon for which my father and I share an affinity, Hulk Hogan, has a reality show. Chronically behind in all things television and music, my late enlightenment to this program is actually right on schedule.

My dad loves the Hulk. He's met him on more than one occasion at airports, and there are some great signed pictures on our basement walls. Some of my earliest memories with my dad involve laying on him watching WCW (God rest it), and Hulk Hogan's image is this sensory trigger to all of those experiences: the smell of my dad's aftershave, the way he'd yell when one 'roidhead beat up another, and that one fateful day I decided to see what would happen if I pulled out one of my dad's chest hairs. To this day, I'm glad I have none of my own.

The existence of his show comes as no surprise since I got a glimpse of his flagging career last year when I saw him in Bryant Park. Incidentally, seeing Hulk Hogan in person did not cause me to regress to childhood like Hulkster iconography does. Don't ask me why. What does come as a surprise is that he has kids, which I never knew.

Obviously--though you could know this without a photo--his wife and daughter look like Russian whores, and his son is an idiot. Fabulous.

The wife is divorcing him, probably for some horrible reason because I imagine him being a nice guy. The daughter wants to be a singer, and I think you should all go support her at your local mall. Anyway, I don't want to talk about them. I want to talk about Nick Hogan.

Nick Hogan wants to be a racecar driver and professional wrestler just like every boy does when he's 5. Nick, however, is 17. His racing career is already well underway. He has been stopped numerous times for recklessly driving above the speed limit and has already served time for vegetizing one of his friends in a high-speed car accident. Add in the doofy half-smile and the abominable mohawk to the right and there you go. This is Trixie calling Mach 5! We have a Grade-A Large Douchebag around the next bend.

The only problem with this is that I have this occasional tendency to find douchebags really hot. They may act like morons and pop their collars and sometimes smell kinda off, but there's something raw and animalistic about them that speaks to my inner sex demon.

I've hooked up with a couple of douchebags in my time. One was a guy everyone knew in high school who (SURPRISE!) became gay in college and the other was this Hawaiian-shirt-wearing, Night-at-the-Roxbury-dancing bookie I met here in the city. Both not anything I'd ever show to anyone or even speak to without a quart of alcohol in my system, but I gotta say: Top Quality Coitus.

Douchebags don't care. They're so absorbed in their testosterony douchbagginess that they have no idea what they're doing, but somehow.... SOMEHOW when they've finished lumbering and pawing their way through an hour in the hay, even I'd be willing to bleach my hair, get some implants, and cheer them on in the ring wearing fake nails and a cat suit.

And so, it isn't without embarassment that I resurrect an old regular column that never took off and name Nick Hogan my Celebrity Hard-On for November 2007. Well done, Nick! Don't kill any more of your friends, ok?

Celebrity Hard-On: April 2007

Oops I almost forgot to do this but I remembered today because of last night. This was supposed to be a monthly thing starting in February, but I forgot to do March and am now doing April at the last possible second. Whatever, read someone else's blog if you want consistent regular features. Yesterday I felt gross and had only a broken cell phone, so I stayed home by myself and watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights and The Princess Bride. What these two movies have in common is that they both star this month's Celebrity Hard-On, Cary Elwes.

You may be thinking "WTF gross," so let me explain now that like last time, this month's featured celebrity is here based on his appearance in the past. I hesitate to call it faded beauty because that's mean and girly and he's aged fairly well for the most part. Now he looks like a really good father. But what I want to point out here is that Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride is the sexiest man ever to live.

I was originally going to honor Errol Flynn with this entry, but I changed my mind. It was a narrow margin, and I like the two for the same reason, but Errol Flynn's little mustache bothered me a bit too much, and I prefer Cary Elwes' cheekbones and still-aliveness. But to be true, either would do.

When I grow up, I'm going to marry a swashbuckler. He's going to swordfight to win my hand and be all suave and morally ambiguous and he'll wear masks and always be faithful and love me only. And he'll be blonde. And can be a pirate named Captain Jack or Roberts or a rogue with a girly name or whatever, it doesn't matter as long as he wears a lace-up shirt because there's nothing hotter than a man in a lace-up shirt that gets all loose and open, revealing his glistening pectorals because he's been fighting for my honor.

To the right up above is a picture of Cary from the beginning of Princess Bride, one of the few scenes in cinematic history that makes me cry every time. He's so beautiful. I pretend he's talking to me. To the left is a picture of him waiting for me in bed wearing the shirt I mentioned before. He's only wearing the little mustache as a joke, it will peel off as soon as I climb in with him.

This picture is from when he was building our dream house. He's looking up from the blueprints because I just told him to grab his sword and put on his Zorro mask so we can play "Damsel in Distress," a game in which he saves me from the invading brigand horde and whisks me away to the unfinished bedroom where there are a lot of candles lit and we can have sex by them. I don't mind playing the damsel because I'm secure in my masculinity.

Celebrity Hard-On for February 2007

I give you all permission to think I'm crazy when I tell you my newest celebrity hard-on. He is not taken from the traditional pool of hot famous men that everyone takes from. Also, he's kinda old, and like AnnaSophia Robb, you can't look at his imdb pictures because he looks stupid in all of them with his head shaved. Anyway, he is Billy Zane.

To the right is a picture of him when he was younger. He has good hair, and I can't figure out why he insists on shaving it all off like yucky Vin Diesel. But anyway, if you pretend he doesn't so that, he's really dreamy, mostly because his eyes make him look lazy and drugged-out. I'm not sure, but maybe that's what "bedroom eyes" means. Whatever, either way he's sexy. (Actually, he looks almost too drugged out in this picture here... ignore it.)

And when I say that he's my "newest" celebrity hard-on, I'm actually being somewhat misleading. He is the most recent, yes, but in reality, he's my oldest (oldest, not eldest) as well. See, I very specifically remember being 11 or 12 years old and discovering my dad's copy of Lake Consequence, which is a TV movie about Billy Zane and Joan Severance and all the sex they have in the water or something. I don't really remember, the only part that sticks in my mind is how Billy Zane was half naked the whole time. So it's kind of like I'm going back to my roots or something.

On top of being studly and everything, Billy Zee looks like he'd be real charismatic and charming like we'd have as much fun going out as we'd have staying in. I've found that all my celebrity crushes have been more about how I imagine their personality to be than just how they look, which is why I was never attracted to Colin Farrell. My conception of Zane's personality is primarily based on his appearance in the 7th season of Charmed, where he was all flamboyant and romantic, so I have no idea what he's really like and I don't care. Oh, and I just noticed he was in Titanic too, but I don't remember that movie at all because I hated it.

Yeah, so I love a character from Charmed. If you need me, I'll be getting my ass kicked in the upstairs boys bathroom.

Anyway, that's it. I thought it was important that I keep you up to speed on who I'm obsessed with since my blog is so personal and soul-searching. Now I'm going to go on Wikipedia and make sure Billy Zane doesn't have cancer or anything that would make me feel bad about dissing his bald head.