Sea-Addled

Last week I vacationed in Seattle, which is definitely a Top 10 American City in my brain. Probably Top 5. I started liking it when I noticed walking around that people looked at me while they were passing. Right in the eye. It's not an ogle or a leer or anything, and they don't necessarily smile or greet. They just look. It's interesting. I'm a looker myself, so I appreciated it, especially compared to here in New York where people don't pay any attention.

Also everything is clean, the food is universally delicious and cheaper, and interestingly I don't feel nearly as threatened at their Eagle as I do here. It's possible I can never go there again, however, in fear of a drunken repetition of last Friday night's REALLY BAD IDEA, which is a funny story you will NOT get to hear. Teaser: it involved low-grade chemical burn. I felt 19 all over again, and now I can't wait to be 30.

Oh and in unrelated news, I chopped all my hair off last week and dyed it brown. So I look like a boy again. Pictures to follow if that guy who took them ever learns how to use Facebook. Also in Seattle I bought tea, gloves, and underwear with New York on them.

Right. So basically I still exist ok bye.

300

In honor of today being September 10th, National Slowest Monday Ever Day, I've been playing a fun game all morning. It's called "What's In My Shoe?" and how you play is you guess the object that has been in my shoe all morning. The following backstory will provide all your clues.

Last week I visited my friend Chris in Phoenix all week. We used-book-shopped and ate fatty foods and watched the Back to the Future movies. But mostly (i.e. most importantly) we played Bingo at this casino and Pogo Games all week.

Bingo was pretty awesome because it was $14 for a ton of rounds, and they gave us little electronic machines that kept track of all our cards for us. All we had to do was type in the number when it came up, which turned out to be too much for me so I had to have the attendant come and fix my machine after I messed it all up. Anyway, I didn't win any bingo rounds but who cares because in honor of Labor Day, we all got FREE Labor Day-themed bingo daubers! I can't wait for next time I go to Drag Queen Puppet Bingo because I'll be able to impress all my friends. "No no, I don't need your crappy rental dauber, I have my very own vibrant red dauber with an American flag and an eagle (not endangered) on it." It's almost as cool as having your own bowling ball, but I haven't reached that level yet.

Anyway, we also made day trips to Tuscon and Sedona. Don't go to Tuscon unless you have a really good reason or if the homeless are out. Or a death wish (south side). The town is boring otherwise.

Sedona's the prettiest little tourist trap I ever did see. There are some red mountains, but the main event in Sedona is the collection of mystical vorticies peppered throughout the area. They're supposed to be good for your soul or something, but the only noticable effect I saw was their ability to attract a billion little occult stores advertising aura photography and crystal healing. Chris' Mayan astrological sign is the Dog, which means he is loyal but tends to have sex with a lot of people.

Pavoratti died too, so.... there's that. I guess that's all I have to say about my week. OH! But the final clue is that I bought 30 books at various new and used bookstores in Arizona, so I had to do some creative packing to get them to fit in my suitcase. This involved putting things into my shoes, so I'm betting the thing in my shoe is a single-use vial of eye drops. It doesn't feel like a coin. It doesn't hurt. The thing is, I didn't pack any single-use vials of eye drops. Anyway, stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.