Can I Get a Witness?

I'm too tired to work so I just read my last 9 months worth of blog entries in response to the same masturbatory impulse that makes me love staring at good pictures of myself and laughing at my old repeated jokes time and again. Wow do I have nothing worthwhile to say ever!

Anyway the only thing I need to talk about right now is that my favorite Jehovah's Witness is back and she got a BRAND NEW WIG! It's just as unconvincing as her old wig, but it has highlights.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if the point of covering your hair is to curb vanity, doesn't buying a wig with highlights TOTALLY DEFEAT THE PURPOSE?!? But whatever, maybe they don't wear wigs for that reason, maybe they have eyes growing out the backs of their heads, who even knows with Jehovah's Witnesses? Can they use the Internet? I hope not.

Anyway the SADNESS OF MY LIFE is that I saw her from down the street, so as usual, I mentally prepared myself to smile and say hello and made sure I had no offensive books in my hand this time, and I was extra excited to see her after her winter-long sabbatical from my life, and then I got to her and SHE DIDN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ME! It hurt. After all we've shared! All the good times.

It hurt only until I realized the truth: Not only do Jehovah's Witnesses live in caves with no Internet and wear nothing but Laura Ashley, but every few months they go to a secret facility in the Nevada desert and have their memories wiped clean of everything but their love for... whatever it is they believe in. The lighthouse or whatever. I'd call it a conspiracy, but it already WAS a conspiracy so big fucking deal right?

Right.

Praise Jesus.

Loved and Lost

Ok so I know I barely blog anymore goityvm. So I don't know if I've ever told you before, but one of the things in this fast-paced city of neon and chrome that makes me smile and softens my disposition without fail is this Jehovah's Witness who's often around the library or subway stop with her Watchtowers doing.... whatever it is they waste their time doing all day.

Anyway, she's super nice and always smiling and has a dowdy dress and a gap in her teeth, and I just love her. One day a few months back, I started smiling and nodding as I walked by, and she would smile and nod back and kind of gesture with her Watchtower and look really appreciative that I wasn't ignoring her like everybody else on the street. But I mean, obviously they are! Hello, nice lady, you're in midtown and everybody is late for work so nobody has time to become a Jehovah's Witness right now. Perhaps Jehovah can make an appearance at Starbucks, people will witness him there... and think it's just the caffeine.

I digress ANYWAY our relationship has progressed, and in about August the vixen slyly added a vocal element wherein she quietly says "Good morning!" and I say "Hi there!" Then there was a "How are you?" I'm telling you, it's intense. I see her up the street, and I prepare myself mentally for the experience. I have to stop daydreaming, compose myself, make sure my hair's ok, and then have a smile ready. It would be stressful if the payoff weren't so good.

Right, but like all good relationships in my life, I may have ruined it forever this morning. Today I decided I wanted to add an element, and short of stopping to chat (too risky while Jesus is still in her life) there aren't many options but a hand wave. Fine, good, hand wave it is. Unfortunately, I had things in both of my hands this morning, but I figured it didn't matter and that the gesture would still be appreciated.

The biggest stress in this morning's greeting preparation was choosing which hand to wave with, but I couldn't decide and was getting closer and closer and oh crap it's too late so as I said hi I recklessly chose and raised my left hand into the air, kinda awkwardly and a little too close to her face.

My left hand... the hand that was at the time holding a large and eye-catchingly reflective copy of the book The God Delusion. Big black letters IN YOUR FACE, JEHOVAH'S WITNESS! I know she saw it because as the book's silver cover shined a soft patch of sun on to her face, there was a moment of comprehension. She had, and I apologize for the pun, seen the light.... the light that says "THIS IS A FILTHY ATHEIST GAY BOY JEW!"

I played it cool and just lowered my arm and tried not to let go of the smile, but I was mortified. I didn't MEAN to deliver a message like that to her. I've officially pushed my 'beliefs' on her a million times more than she has on me. Yes, I've seen her book more than she's seen mine, but I don't even know what a Jehovah's Witness fucking is. This woman now knows my soul (or lack thereof) and I may have lost my daily happiness forever now.

In conclusion, it's true that atheists will never find satisfaction. May the Lord deliver me.... whatever that means.