Guest Blogger

Well hello! And welcome to my blog.

Hi kids! Scott can't come to the blog today because he's stuck in a seminar about how to sign in and out on a timesheet. This is his identical twin, Fatty the Hutt, doing a guest blog spot to fill you in on his horrible morning.

It was a dreary dawn on the Upper East Side. Our hero left the house toting the shitty, cheap umbrella his union gave him to celebrate 40 years of ineffectual staff representation. "It's gray and wet," said the East River. "Enjoy your four-avenue walk to the subway."

Well la ti, after getting stopped at every light, he finally arrived and felt the familiar floppy-heelness of an untied shoe. Rather than sit in a puddle on the ground, he lifted his leg onto the low window ledge nearby when a deafening ripping noise tore through the air (pun) and actually caused a passing woman to turn her head. Yes. Scott had split his favorite pair of expensive jeans that were less than a year old. The woman said hello to his Superman underpants.

So he walked ALL THE WAY BACK home (15 minutes), changed into a new outfit (5 minutes), and walked ALL THE WAY BACK to the subway (15 minutes) and was now incredibly late for work so he figured since there was no line in Starbucks, an extra 5 minutes wouldn't matter. He was going to treat himself to his first Cranberry Bliss Bar of the season to take the edge off the morning.

Fifteen minutes later after the second time they screwed up his order: "No, SOY!" "Well do you want this one anyway, or I'll just toss it." "Only if you want me to have diarrhea all over your store from drinking the cloudy water you call skim milk."

So anyway... way late to work, stuck in a timesheet seminar that should take 5 minutes, needing to buy new jeans after work with money he doesn't have. I implore you, dear readers, to give our hero something to put the yay in his day and the perk in his work.

Extra extra

More good news! The A/C is still broken and I'm getting my second cold this month! This one's not really a scratchy throat/cough like last time, but more of a runny nose sinusey SPLITTING HEADACHE. I'm glad Fate is letting me experience every cold symptom imaginable this summer in case I forgot what it was like to be miserable.

Actually I blame the atmosphere for all my woes. If people can blame gays for the weather, I can blame the weather for whatever problems I have WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PONY, WEATHER!?!?!

Other things I did this weekend were go out and take pictures that all came out shitty and play Wii. When I last played in like December, I had 99 stars on Mario Galaxy, now I have 105. I'll keep you updated. Oh, and I watched some Xena, but they were crap episodes that I paid zero attention to, so I'm sorry. I knew how much you were looking forward to discussing this week's adventures.

Oh, also it was raining for like 10-15 minutes this morning. Check out this e-mail I got at work:

This morning's heavy rain has overwellmed the drains in the building.
Reports have come in of "black water spewing from the drains".
If a condition like this has occured in your area please call me for clean up.

Emphasis mine.

Anyway, how disgusting is that? Instead of risking it, I've been following an intricate bowel/bladder regimen I call "Holding It". At 2:30, I will go to Starbucks across the street for a piss and perhaps one of those orange mango banana blends with the appetite suppresant protein powder inside because I just ate a gentleman's portion of lasagna for lunch (if the gentleman in question is the size of Saturn) so I'm alarmed that I'm getting hungry again already and would like to put off dinner until midnight, after I'm asleep and it's too late.

The guy across the aisle is watching anime on YouTube again. OH time to pee, see ya!

Woe Betide

I don't care who you support or what your politics are. I'm very open-minded that way. But if you use the phrase "Barack 'n Roll" we are no longer friends.

Now it's time for math class. Solve the following:

(boss supposed to be gone but comes anyway) + (you came in late because boss is supposed to be out and so instead of leaving early, you have to say extra late) + (major dry eye today) + (flat awful hair) + (promise of going home to do long-postponed laundry) = ????

The answer is SHITTY DAY! The extra credit answer is SHITTY LONGEST DAY EVER!

Did you know that when I type things in all caps I imagine it's funny? But one time I heard someone quoting my blog out loud, and he did the caps lock parts all wrong, like with all this anger, and now I can't figure out why he thinks I'm funny. Actually all your internal voices are probably wrong, so I don't know why anyone at all reads my blog OH WAIT that's right nobody does.

Also my friend Matthew (you know my friend Matthew) wants everyone to know that Yelp made him famous. You should all get to know my friend Matthew by reading that interview and his blog or instead reading the following description:

Matthew is a Jew. His hobbies include talking about how great he is, taking pictures of himself with the same expression on his face, and dating some other Jew.